Money and lying advice

[LouiseJ80]

Would like some advice or thoughts.

I have been with my husband for 15 years with two children. I love him, we have a laugh together and he is my best friend.

Despite this my husband over the years has lied about money.

I’m not sure how everyone else handles money but all of ours goes in the same pot. He likes to take care of the bills and the day to day money as he earns more money.

However, every so often things would not add up, the first time there was some debt and we cleared it up and continued on. Again the same thing happened until I found a letter about a loan which then turned out to be a gambling issue. He sought helped and relapsed once. I know I’m my heart it isn’t gambling just from his face and behaviour. But deep down when I ask question about the money I know he is lying and just don’t have the energy to keep asking.

His business does very well but money management doesn’t and will find himself catching up. Last year more debt was revealed but because it was constantly being paid he didn’t see it a problem. After as far back as May I asked if there had been any more loans, cards I didn’t know about and there was one more added to the list. I thought ok I’ve asked it’s out on the table let’s tackle it again and so far so good. However, we have had letters through the post regarding an unpaid loan and again he said I’ll talk to the accountant it shouldn’t be being sent. This letter had gone on for a year and turned out it was a real unpaid loan, along with another credit card.

He is seeking help for compulsive lying and thinks this has been since his teens. As the lying about money has been to the majority of our relationship.

I’m struggling more with the lying and there being black and white evidence and still being lied to . Despite me asking and saying we can sort it-he just didn’t want to upset me, but now I’m struggling to think is this it this time or will there be more to come or will I ever know ? I couldn’t imagine my life without him and he is an amazing dad , this is the thing that is a down in our relationship.

Can't you take over finances and administration? As a start.
Not sure how you would ever sleep again otherwise.
I would definitely get my ducks in a row and get independant from him. Not saying you should live your life without him, but make sure you make it an option if and when it's needed, when an even bigger lie gets out.

Forgot to say good luck to you, and beg you to please read your post as if you are your own best friend. Tell her to listen to her inner voice.
I didn't unfortunately, and I am in such a large pile of shit you won't see the top of my head after a few hours of digging.
And I really knew already, but chose to not act on it.

Oh god, save yourself.. u deserve more than supervising a grown man for the rest of your life!

he is an amazing dad

A compulsive liar is a good dad? He is financially controlling. He wont even discuss it with you. You have no idea what’s going on with your own finances.

This man is a financial risk to you and your children. Take charge of your own finances. Stop the joint pot immediately. He’s either stupid or controlling or both.

In my experience where there is one betrayal there is plenty more. And financial abuse is a betrayal.

I want to tell you this. I had similar, I had a call from a debt company chasing money and I was adamant, I mean adamant that they were mistaken, that my husband who'd never get into debt. He was sensible and we had talked about money management. Turns out, I was the fool. Obey became a very decisive issue, all the trust had gone but stupidly I stayed with him and had children, about 12 years later he committed suicide, perhaps through all the money and lack of trust arguments. I'm widowed young. Walk away....

Thank you everybody for your comments and advice.

I can hand on heart say I know this isn’t gambling. I’ve had access to the accounts and it does seem to be money management and affordability etc and then trying to catch up. I think he’s been too worried to admit that he was in a mess financially. This time it is manageable and we can sort it out. We are doing the admin together and the business side.

He is so hands on as a dad and apart from this is an amazing husband.

I know that many men do struggle to talk about their feelings and do shut down. The gambling counsellor are not able to help but have explained that as he hasn’t gambled the drs is the first point of call as there are conditions and the same type of compulsive disorder.

In my head if you are married for 50 years and you hit a speed bump is this just the speed bump ? As I feel like you support them and help them if they are taking the help and tackle it together.

I’m just struggling with the lying as l am the type of person that no matter what the problem is we can fix but I think I’m just tired and struggle to have it in me and then the idea of splitting up a family when we are generally all happy together just can’t get my head around going down that route.

I do think I need to find myself again as part of me does feel lost in all of this but I just don’t want to do life without my best friend.