Can an open marriage work for sexual incompatibility

[Roo04034]

Long story short(ish)..sex has always been not quite right for me and my husband. We've tried to work on it but neither of us really understood why it wasn't working until recently. We now have two young children so it's become much less frequent on top of being not very enjoyable. We started couples therapy ...the marriage is otherwise strong.

We're very aligned as parents, share the same values etc and have massive respect for each other. However we've discovered the reason sex has never been great is we're both quite submissive sexually. I always thought he just wasn't that interested as I'd only been with dominant types before but it turns out he is interested but would rather be submissive. I don't know how we get passed it because to me it wouldn't turn me on if I knew he was 'pretending' the point is I want someone to want to dominate etc...and I'm sure he feels the same.

I'm wondering if an open marriage could work when the marriage is good otherwise...I don't want to be with anyone else or leave the marriage but I miss feeling desired and having a good sex life.

Will you continue to have some sex and intimacy, or will your marriage become sexless once you each find somebody who suits your tastes better? I don’t think open relationships which are primarily open because you don’t fancy or want to have sex with your primary partner are at all sustainable. It’s such a crucial aspect that ends up missing, particularly as it’s going to mean living with the knowledge that they aren’t having it with you but have found somebody they desire more.

And I speak as somebody in an open marriage with a husband who I have sex with virtually every day so I am a) not judgemental of non-monogamy and b) understand how important it is, if you are, to still wildly fancy and be having sex with the person your primary relationship is with.

Nothing in your OP indicates real love or passion in the marriage, tbh. Aligned values and respect for each other is great - but ultimately how I’d describe my relationship with my brother. Now you’ve reached the point of acknowledging what’s missing, it really might be best to consider separating and each finding somebody who desires you. It isn’t the end of the world. If you’re excellent co-parents currently then you can translate that to being excellent co-parents (and perhaps even better friends) when apart.

Why not just take it in turns to be more dominant? I suppose it depends also how dominant you need. I like a two way street, but if someone doesn't make suggestions, I'll naturally take over a bit more.

@ComtesseDeSpair I would still like to improve the sex we have and maintain a sexual relationship…but I kind of know we will never completely fulfil each other’s needs in that respect. I know that if we stopped having sex that would be the end as it holds everything together…I think I would feel more inclined to ‘pretend’ to be more dominant if I was getting my needs met overall and felt more confident and desired if that makes sense.

i may have sounded too blasé about similar values…I really do think that excluding sex we’re really compatible and I think the other positive parts of the marriage would be extremely hard / perhaps impossible to replace. I wouldn’t want to leave all that behind (and him) for ‘just sex’ but at the same time I can’t see us ever being able to meet each other’s needs sexually and it feels depressing the thought of never having that again. It’s been causing my inner turmoil for a long time as I desperately don’t want to leave but crave what’s missing.

it’s great to hear from the perspective of someone in an open marriage. Do you mind me asking how it works for you, e.g do you have separate relationships like in polyamory or just agreed casual flings etc?

My thing is that I think open situations could work for couples with sexual incompatibility but in secret if that makes sense? So you out all your cards ok the table agree to see other people if / when an attraction occurred (purely sexual nothing else)

But it never got mentioned again and you both don't know it's happening because I think the talking about it would kill the relationship off completely unless of course you both it exciting to discuss