Cutting off mum?

[Yellowbrick101]

Another toxic mum post!

My mum has always made me feel judged, she constantly critises every choice I make, tells me I’m wrong, underminds my parenting, expects me to drop plans to help her, only ever wants to see us on her terms but gets angry when I don’t have time to see her/have other plans already… the list goes on.

For a couple of years I’ve been working on saying no to her lots more, putting in some
boundaries, not always answering to every whim of hers. I don’t engage in much meaningful conversation, I just let her talk at me because she doesn’t ever listen to me anyway.

She is very hot headed, the smallest thing can set her off and she has been shouting at my children more and more frequently. Recently she told one of my kids “I hope you choke on your dinner” and slammed the door in our face because they didn’t want to hug her goodbye, which was apparently spoilt and selfish behaviour.

I’ve just had enough. She sent me a message this week telling me she doesnt like my children’s behaviour (they are generally very well behaved), that they are spoilt brats and finds being around us upsetting. She doesn’t agree with how I parent them (but doesnt specify in what way) and feels like I never prioritise seeing her.

Something has switched in my brain and I just don’t think I can be around her anymore but I know she will now send abusive messages and might even turn up at my house as we live close together. So far I’ve ignored her message but another has been sent that I havent read. It’s causing so much anxiety and I keep thinking maybe I’m over reacting. Just needed to vent really, it’s so exhausting.

Op forget about yourself for one minute

OMFG

Recently she told one of my kids “I hope you choke on your dinner” and slammed the door in our face because they didn’t want to hug her goodbye, which was apparently spoilt and selfish behaviour.

she would never ever see me nor my children ever ever again

In fact, I wouldn’t want your mother within a 50 mile radius of my children

@Goodgrief83

I know 😔

I find it hard to see her behaviour as abnormal until I tell other people and see their reactions because it’s how I grew up. I was incredibly triggered/upset about that incident in particular though.

My kids are not yet affected by her behaviour I think because A) for the most part she is nice to them and B) they don’t experience anything like that at home and have really secure attachments

However as they are getting older I know they will become affected by how she behaves.

op I literally do not know what to say

@Yellowbrick101

You do need to put boundaries in place now OP, because she's not just bullying you now, she's very clearly started bullying your children. They are already noticing and reacting as they didn't want to hug her and why should they? Why would you want to hug someone who behaves s disgracefully? How can a grandmother tell anyone, let alone her grandchild, that she hopes they choke on their dinner - surely this is the last straw? What would you do if, for example, a teacher said this to your child?

Do you have the support in real life if somebody who can support you in standing up to your mother? Can you tell her, in writing or in person, that you and your children will be taking a break from her for a while and and her behaviour and that she's to stay away from your home? 🌹

@Newestname002

Thank you. Yes I have support and I am going to speak to an old counsellor I used to see soon.

And yes I think I could do that in writing but for now I am just leaving messages I get unread as I’m in the middle of a house move and other life upheavals which I need to prioritise. I will engage if her messages become persistant though and tell her they are not welcome.

I’ve never stood up to her before so it just feels so huge.

I've found this podcast really helpful with understanding toxic relationships.

spotify.link/gXwBnd9iBDb

If you're moving, how far away from her will you be?

@Sarfar45

Thank you, I will definately have a listen.

@Nanny0gg

Very slightly further but not by much.

She would not be seeing my kids again. What a bloody awful thing to say to a child. 🤬

If she finds being around you upsetting, then she won't mind not being around you, will she? She sounds incredibly toxic.

I do wish you and your little family the very best @Yellowbrick101 with everything, including your house move. I'd recommend you getting a ring doorbell for your new home plus a chain on the inside of the door and teach them to always use it before they open the front door (I couldn't see their ages). 🌹