Daughter, grandson and domestic violence-so worried

[Notgettinganyyounger23]

I really don't know where to start. My daughter is in a relationship with a man and it terrifies me. He has been to prison in the past 4 years for holding his partner at the time hostage with a rifle and causing harm. He has beaten my daughter up, at the time she said if his mom hadn't stepped in she thinks he'd have killed her, wrecked her house , stolen and crashed her car and because of him had her windows shot through with a shotgun. Although she left him for a while, I think social services said she had to and was actually rehomed by the council he has now convinced her he's changed and they are back together. The last incident where he smashed her car was around 5 weeks ago. She blames herself and says it's all because she was texting other man and it isn't as bad as it seems. I am petrified for my grandson who is four who is in this awful relationship. Police are not helpful. I am slowly losing contact with my grandson as I refuse to accept the relationship. He controls everything she does and says we are interfering, she is very much involved with his mom now. I don't know what to do for the best.

Sounds absolutely horrendous and this is going to sound harsh but I'd ring social services, the threat of potentially having her DS removed from her care might make her see sense, if it doesn't then at least you will be ensuring that your dgs is safe.
SS is probably the last resort and you may baulk at having to do it but imo the safety of your dgs is paramount.

This sounds terrifying OP. Although you hate the relationship I would be doing everything possible to maintain the contact with your grandson. The impetus to leave needs to come from your daughter but you need to make sure you are still there to pick up the pieces.

They have been in contact with her again I think the police contacted them and they have had an initial meeting.. she doesn't know we know though as communication has completely broken down because we won't accept it. Apparently his mom attended with her which I find unbelievable.

This sounds awful OP. I agree with PP that the only way you can help is to re involve social services to keep your dgs safe.

Let ss know if you are willing to care for him long term if necessary.

I have him one night a week so hopefully this will continue, it's getting very difficult though as she communicates less and less.

Keep calling the police and SS. Repeatedly.

I agree your focus has to be protecting your grandson. I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP, I can only imagine how much you want to protect your daughter too.

Yes that's definitely my focus. SS are doing an assessment I am just so worried they will believe the he's changed story that's going on, I'm praying they aren't that naive

Is your grandson this man’s child?

No he isn't, she has only known him for 9/10 months. I honestly can't comprehend it.

They won't believe this. If they've already told her she needs to leave him, that won't have changed.
They'll do their assessments and advise her to leave or they will take him away.
I know she's your daughter and of course you want to help her but I'd be speaking to social care and telling them everything you know and if you're in the position to commit to it, tell them you'd be prepared to have your grandson full time.
I know domestic violence is complex and she's being controlled but he is so innocent and this will ruin his entire life, he cannot chose to leave, you need to do all you can to get him out of there.

I echo the other posters, report to social services.

If he is dangerous and they have advised her to leave before, they won’t accept that he has changed and will take a dim view of her resuming the relationship.

Im sorry you’re going through this

Please don’t sit back, speak up and tell SS everything. Too many sit back before it’s too late. It’s your daughter just now, it won’t be long before it’s your grandson.

We are telling them everything, my ex husband and myself have both spoken to social services separately. I am more than prepared to look after my grandson.

I am sorry you are experiencing this. It must be horrendous. However they are both in danger so do everything that you can to keep communication open and keep track your of everything. WA have advice about how to handle and support women like your daughter in these situations.

His mother though - her involvement is abhorrent.

Keep a cool detached head as best you can and work with the professionals.

I agree, I'm going to try and speak to social services tomorrow.. I find it astonishing they would allow the abusers mom to sit in on a meeting.

How did you get on with SS @Notgettinganyyounger23

You can make an urgent referral to your local MASH team. call 0345 050 7666

MASH- Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub.

I spoke to the social worker yesterday to talk through what's happening. She listened which was good.