Are relationships that are very intense always toxic?

[Baybe]

Myself and DP have a very intense relationship. Like a movie. Ally and Noah. Edward and Bella. That type of thing.

I've always had much less intense relationships before, and have always believed these kinds of "soulmate" relationships are toxic or a red flag of basically childish, unhealthy nonsense.

Weirdly, it was one of my least intense relationships at the start. We fell in love very slowly and took our time.

When we met we were both in different places in life and it was a bit troubling. I tried to end it a few times in the early years as I felt we wanted different things and I was older so felt that joint goals were important.

But when we were apart, we both feel like the entire world is completely wrong. He says home is wherever I am. We once spent over a year apart, and if anything it just strengthened the feelings. He just sat and waited, all that time.

So we ended up being together, but not always plain sailing. We can fight! He can drive me insane, and I know I'm fiery as hell.

He isn't intense with anyone, or anything else. If anything he's fairly detached. He finds romantic films ridiculous. It's just with me he's like this. He just says; you are everything, really.

I am a leaver. I have form for leaving relationships. I'm not sure why, psychologically. But he patiently waits. I know that's not ideal but he can be VERY hard to be in a relationship with at times.

I've no idea if I'm overthinking and it just so happens that I met someone who I am meant to be with, or if this way we feel entwined is some kind of malfunction.

Can anyone tell me if they ever had a relationship like this?

I can’t see how a lot of the things you describe are sustainable over the course of a lifetime relationship. Fighting and being fiery is all well and good when there’s not a lot else going on. I’d imagine that it plays out completely differently in the periods of life where you absolutely don’t need fights and fiery tempers in the world - such as having a newborn, or being very unwell, or during a period of financial instability etc. Somebody who you describe as “VERY hard to be in a relationship with at times” - I can’t imagine wanting to be in that situation with somebody. Your partner should make your life easier, not harder.

Obviously you know whether all this makes you feel happy or not - but be careful that the “entwined” aspect doesn’t turn into codependence.

I've never fought with partners in the past. He happens to drive me mad. But we don't fight during the big stuff.

I am not sure what the difference between code pendent and "really love each other"

Yes I think that these kinds of relationships are always toxic and unhealthy. But definitely sounds exciting!

I think that driving somebody mad is incompatible with loving them, to be honest. If I knew that my behaviours or actions were driving DH mad, I’d do my utmost to change them so that we could live harmoniously and not fight - or else, conclude that I didn’t want to subject him to a life like that, that he wasn’t the right person for me and that I needed somebody whose foibles matched my own better. This man behaves in a way which drives you mad and has done nothing over the years to address that. Who does he want to please more, himself or you?

Are there any children in the picture (or planned) who absorb, internalise and are left destabilised, anxious and insecure around these confusing and emotionally heightened dynamics?

That doesn’t really sound like a love from a movie/fairytale if I’m honest, it just sounds like a toxic relationship. I think you just both love the drama each other brings.

Are you on and off a lot now OP or are you together? When you say fiery is it like a massive row and then ok? Like a rollercoaster kind of relationship? Bad is so bad but good is so good?

“Feels like home” is potentially doing a lot of heavy lifting here.

out of interest OP, what was your home like growing up?

...and his?

Do you still have very different life goals?

Sounds awful.

Doesn’t sound great to me. I think you do need stability and to really be on each others side to ride out the rough things that will most def come your way in life: financial trouble, employment difficulties, friendship problems, bereavement and grief and poor health

I don’t think intense relationships are necessarily toxic, no.

Yours doesn’t sound healthy though.

It all sounds utterly exhausting and it should not cause that much drama to be with someone you love.

It doesn’t sound a great relationship to introduce children into. Too much drama.

If intensity is used as a synonym of drama, yes is toxic

Sounds like some sort of dysfunction is attracting you to each other

I don't think love feels like that

Sounds tiring to me

Definitely sounds toxic.

Hard to tell if it’s you or him or both of you. You say he drives you mad and is difficult to be with but don’t really say why, and also say you’re fiery and “a leaver”. So it might just be you being very hard to please.

Codependent means that the relationship isn’t really making you happy but it’s fulfilling a need that one or both of you can’t or don’t believe you can get fulfilled without the relationship.

Examples might be financial vulnerability, one partner overfunctioning in a way that enables the other’s addiction, irresponsibility or incapacity, or feeling you can’t be happy without the ego/emotional validation of being in the relationship.

They’re not always toxic. But yours sounds it.

why does it sound like you keep leaving and he waits until you give in and come back?
he waits after arguments and for that year
and the several times you tried to end the relationship
He just waits and you eventually come back…does anything change? Or do you just give in?

He says home is where you are.
he said you are everything
what do you say? You sound very passive in all this except all the times you try to leave

I'm in an extremely intense relationship. I'm financially independent which is ring fenced to me and at the same time, kept. I wear what he chooses dependent on the occasion, I get approval, or not, for outings without him. If I feel he's unfairly denied me we step outside our dynamic and resolve it, flexing the rules as appropriate.

Sex is incredible. I choose to be controlled and it's dynamite. Rare is the man that can deliver this