Would this make you question a relationship- partner who can’t tolerate any social interaction

[nosocialinteraction]

If your autistic partner literally couldn’t do anything social , eg ordering in a cafe, talking to friends or family, Letting tradespeople in ,doing the school run, appts etc? Or would you be happy to do these ?

It wasn’t always this bad, up until a severe burnout a few years ago some of these tasks were manageable sometimes but now none are. If a situation happens unexpectedly (ie bump into someone when out then selective mutism has now developed) it will also trigger a shutdown for hours and hours after.

Just wondering if this would be too much for people or if it’s not a big deal and something you would accommodate as it’s not deliberate ?

I couldn't live with it, no. I could not be the only person in the relationship who ever dealt with the outside world, took a child to a doctor or dentist appointment, let in a plumber, ordered a cup of coffee, did grocery shopping, dealt with other parents re playdates, did the school run.

But if it was better previously pre burnout would you mind temporarily (however long burnout recovery takes) and keep trying hoping that with the pressure off things may improve ?

@nosocialinteraction

It depends how long the burnout lasts. Is it likely to be temporary, do you know that for a fact? I think you may have to be prepared for it not to be and assess your life from there. My adult son sounds very similar to your partner. He is intelligent but will not interact socially on any level. This isn't quite so bad now that some things can be done online (shopping, banking etc) but tradesmen are down to me, and everything else that really needs human interaction. I take him to the doctors, dentists etc and make all appointments. Obviously he is not my partner so my expectations are different to yours and childcare doesn't come into the equation. So, to answer your question rather candidly, yes it is a very big deal.

Oh FFS you just used ChatGPT for that answer. Reported.

Thank you for reporting. It's a really shitty thread to use a ChatGpt response.

Op, I honestly don't know. I wouldn't stay hoping things would improve, as they genuinely may not. But I can see myself being okay with that level of outside communication as long as our own relationship was okay.

Does this mean that the person can’t work?

Does the person interact with their spouse and children?

If it has been like this for a few years, what is the likelihood of things improving?

Is it possible the person was masking before, and this is simply their way of being without masking?

But from what you say the 'burnout' was several years ago?

I couldn’t do it. Only OP knows if she can. Its a huge sacrifice though: it means you function as his caretaker/servant/interpreter from here on out. He may be unable to do these things, true. But you aren’t withdrawing from the relationship in order to punish or correct him into changing. Its just that you can’t take on all these extra tasks of living for him.

@Mountaineer0009

The OP's partner does not have social anxiety or introverted tendencies, he has autism.

There are some very slight improvements, shorter duration shutdowns after unexpected social events is one.

I know that a burnout can be very long lasting so I think patience is needed but I haven’t ever spoken to anyone who has been through similar

Works from home and has a very, very understanding employer (and is permitted on online meetings to have camera off etc) and contributions or response to anything raised in meetings can be emailed in after to accommodate the selective mutism

my apologies op @nosocialinteraction

This wouldn't work for me at all, and you don't have to accept it, either. His autism is irrelevant. You are entitled to end any relationship if it's not working for you, for any reason.

I wouldn’t. It may get a bit better, OP, but realistically you are looking at a lifetime of being the main person responsible for interactions with the outside world for both of you. Believe me, it’s draining. Even if he does improve (which means that his social scripts will be running) he’ll NEVER truly enjoy socialising/find it natural and easy.

What steps is he taking to overcome it?

If nothing then you need to leave.

If he's doing his best go get help and overcome it and actively wants to feel better then that's worth supporting him .

What is your partner (assuming it's your partner OP) doing to manage this? Have they sought professional help?

Because effectively what's happened is that the relationship has changed from a romantic partnership to one where you're the carer, and they are needing you to provide support for all of their day to day needs. That's a very big ask, and it's also different to a situation where someone has become physically unwell - because where anxiety is concerned, you basically just doing ALL of those tasks is not encouraging the partner to try to get better and in fact the more they avoid these interactions, the stronger the anxiety grows.

If this was a situation that they were actively trying to improve, then I'd be a lot more understanding than if they were just basically giving up and expecting me to handle all that day-to-day life forever and ever.

Honestly I don't think so, since it would be more of an enabling / caring situation than I have personally internalised a partner relationship to be.

What about interactions with you, OP? Are you having your needs for companionship met?

Is he taking any active steps to get help and support outside of work, or have you devolved into being his long time carer, not his DP? It's sounds so tough for you carry the load of his adulting/social interaction, and only you really know whether you can be in a relationship like this for the rest of your life. I assume you dont have DC together?

At the moment your dealing with an autistic partner who cannot do anything social eg ordering in a cafe, talking to friends or family, Letting tradespeople in ,doing the school run, appts etc.
You told us that your partner had a severe burnout a few years ago and since then none of the above tasks are manageable since then. He has now developed selective mutism when he meets people outside and that this results in a shutdown for hours after.

To be honest I cannot understand how you are putting up with this situation. He had a severe burnout a few years ago. Can you remember what lead to this burnout?
What help have you looked for from his doctor? Is he attending a phycologist or a doctor specialising in mental health or one that has extra training in dealing with autistic people?

At this stage he needs to get help with this as it getting worse. It not fair on you to be left dealing with all the above. From what you told us I don't think that he would be able to work so he can't even pick up the kids from school. Then if you and him meet someone outside he won't talk to them and shutdowns for hours.

In your situation I would chat to his doctor about getting help for him. Tell his doctor what your dealing with and ask him what help your partner can get.

Tell your partner exactly what his behaviour is like and how it's effecting you. Let him know that you can't do everything. I put down in writing what you do on a daily bases and how his lack of help effects you and the kids. You need to be very blunt with him about this.
People my think that this is mean but people with autism can't always pick up things in speech.
Tell him at this stage he needs to get help and you have arranged to meet his doctor with you at X date and time.

Your not been mean with him but he needs help to get back to managing better with social interactions and with the selective mutism. He either tries to help himself or you have to consider your future with him long term. What you are dealing with at the moment is both physically and mentally draining. It not fair on your kids either.

If anything happened to you say you ended up in hospital how would he deal with this?
What would happen if had to he had to mind the kids? Could the kids cope on their own with him either?

I know it won't be easy for either of you. Unless he shows a understanding of what is going on at the moment, is willing to get help and starts to work through his issues I would consider leaving him. You can't put your life on hold and make his kids childhoods harder to suit him.