I never realised how poisonous narcissist people really are. He is eroding our daughter’s relationships with anyone other then him. To think I went through a phase of feeling sorry for him.

[Ifyousayso1]

I’m learning every day since leaving my ex just how bad they are.

Im seeing first hand how they poison relationships so it seems then look better. It feels like he is making all the other apples in the bowl mouldy so he looks shiny.

Im finding it so difficult to manage they are so dangerous and poisonous. You leave and you think it’s the end but it’s not.

Sorry you are going through this.
It is a tactic some very unpleasant narcissistic people use on the way out - destruction of the other person's social network and reputation. It is breathtakingly unpleasant and feels like a complete violation.
Surround yourself with whoever you can trust. Do not re engage and look at grey rock as a way to manage communication. If you do not have children with this person block them on social media / email / phone . Keep any malicious communication that does come through as evidence. If you do have children develop and reinforce clear boundaries and get legal advice if you need to.
You will get through this xx

We share a child together. He wasn’t allowed contact for a few years orders by a judge. He’s now worked up to every other weekend. He has a new partner and baby. On his own he wasn’t capable of looking after our daughter but the gf seems nice and is doing most of it. The problem is he constantly talking about us and twisting every decision I’ve made. My daughter has changed towards me and my partner, our relationships are suffering. It’s like he just can’t let every one be important to her. He has to erode us so he has all the light.

This is really really hard.

Getting into big debates about where he is lying etc, is probably not helpful, but assuming your daughter is old enough, I would avoid attempting to avoid any negative commentary towards him. Factualy and calmly correct misinterpretations but don't bang on about it.

"No, I didn't keep him away from you. A judge said that he could not spend time with you as it wasn't safe until you were older/he could show he'd improved. I'm glad that you are getting on with him now - it was really hard all those years when I know you wanted to see him."

"No, I never did x, y, z. He says that because he doesn't want to admit that he wasn't around for a long time because of his own actions. It's a pity, but it is what it is and now you are building a relationship with him."

the reality is that over time, he will start letting her down and turning it on her so you being consistent, and honest, is the best thing you can do in preparation for that.

I do that @GingerIsBest. it’s just getting ridiculous now. She is only small, coming up to 8. She is being taken in by it and has changed so much since starting to see him. She comes home and is awful to us, I know it’s his words. She is pulling away from me and it’s so sad. I’ve said she is too young to understand and I’m not going to go into detail. He twists everything and he is so convincing. I’ve no come back really as I don’t want to get involved and I could never be so poisonous as him.

I think you need to kill this with kindness. Be super nice to DD (be mindful of tone etc), do fun things, if she is mean to you say that nice people don’t say bad things about others, give her lots of cuddles. And keep a diary that can be used by social services if you suspect he’s trying to alienate you.

I’d dial down the labels like narcissistic, poison etc. Even if you aren’t saying them within earshot of your child they’ll be conditioning your own state of mind. Which can leak through. It’s not helpful to grow up thinking you are at least half “awful person”.

As terrible as you are feeling, right now the situation needs a clear head and well managed emotions. Big feelings leading the path forward doesn’t always end well.

The one thing that always stood out to me, as the child in middle of it, was how parents go on about how they’d jump in front of a bus to save their kid, and mean it.

But then be entirely unaware that their Big Feelings were the actual kid squishing bus.

I have more sympathy than you can immagine. I don’t think anything could hurt me more than my child at risk of alienation tactics. Failing to rise to provocation, making your home a safe, secure, non-volatile, free from emotional bombs place that kiddo can retreat to, is your safest path to navigate your child through a potentially future altering landscape.

When you next give them a massive hug, add an extra squeeze from me. We need fewer newcomers to our tribe, not yet more.

I try and do lots of things but she doesn’t seem to see any of it. I think he is in a competition to do more, buy more etc. Yesterday she said she won’t do anything I ask her to do because I do nothing for her, which is a lie. I don’t have her every other weekend and buy her everything etc, I’ve got school and homework. She says you don’t do what I want like dad, why do I have to live here. I feel like I’m in a competition I didn’t sign up for.

He is poisonous though. He destroys everything that gets in his way, ex’s colleagues, friends. If he doesn’t like someone at work he slowly does things until they leave. He’s an awful human.

Yes they do, they weaponize the children against everyone they have an issue with and make themselves some kind of saint.

My wife has done this to the entire family over the years and cut everyone out and finally me. I haven't had any contact with mine coming up to six months now.

But my DC say this sort of stuff too, and they don't have a dickhead of a father who is in their year. I just laugh at them and ask them who cooked their dinner, bought that outfit they're wearing or paid for the dance class we're en route to.

Don't get me wrong, I know it's bloody difficult. And I think children at this sort of age are actually narcissistic themselves - it's all about them, they're always the victim, they want to be the centre of attention. As they grow up, they learn to be more balanced, more considerate, more sensible. But it's painful. And he's probably encouraging that so it's even harder.

Keep going. Keep reminding her of the positive reasons you do the things you do. She won't necessarily believe you right now, but the lesson still needs to be constantly reinforced.

I don’t understand why every relationship here is going down hill, with me, her nanny (my mum) and my partner who used to be absolutely fine when she didn’t see her dad. In those years I never bad mouthed him so when contact resumed it went well for her. On the other hand his relationship with her and his gf is going so well. Why can’t he leave her relationships alone and let her have one with us all. Instead he constantly tells her what we have all done to him etc.

Your child is half him. You chose his genes as half of your child’s genetic legacy. If you, of all people, believe he has no redeeming qualities, just poison through and through, how is she suppose to evaluate her worth as a human being ?

It doesn’t really matter if your case is you didn’t know then what you know of him now. She is still half him.

From a child’s perspective you can feel really rather doomed to the point of acceptance of a crap life as a given, because you are made of worthless stuff, when overtly or covertly you get the message that you come from poisonous stock.

You cannot control his behaviour, the messages he drips in her ear, the darkness he paints around who she comes from. The only person’s behaviour and messaging you control is your own.

It can be a long, painful, haul. But you being the safe adult who prioritises her needs above all other considerations is the only chance she has.

If my child was endlessly hearing me being bad mouthed by the ex, I'd stop sending them. Let the judge decide if that's fair or not. He is damaging her.

The school have said again this afternoon she has had to sit in the calm down room as she had been upset all afternoon. The teacher said it’s every two weeks, always the first couple of days back from his contact. We were at court for years, they deemed him fixed. I don’t think it would go well me taking it back again.

This is amazing advice. I wish my dad had spoken to me like this about my Mum’s narcissistic destruction of my relationship with him.