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Original poster

Pls help me work out my feelings

16 replies

WorldPeaceV · 03/10/2023 06:47

I'm going to try and keep this short.

I met someone who I've fallen in love with. We had such a good solid relationship and I never felt as safe and secure as I did with him.

Things recently have changed. It's like he doesn't need to bother with me any more. Then he gets defensive. The other week he really hurt my feelings. This was on 3 separate occasions. I feel empty and upset. I'm questioning things and I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 03/10/2023 06:49

How did he hurt your feelings?

Original poster
WorldPeaceV · 03/10/2023 06:53

By commenting on my physical appearance. It was the way it was done and where. And something in relation to my friends and family.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 03/10/2023 06:58

Well there are quite a few reasons why he might be acting this way. How long have you been together?

That said honestly I'd finish it. It's not working for you anymore and no one has to put up with being offended about their appearance or their family.

In some relationships they love bomb you to get you close and reliant then they start being arseholes and isolating you from friends and family.

In others they think they love you then they realise they don't so they start being an arsehole so you finish it because they are too spineless too.

Whatever the situation you don't have to put up with it.

ZebraD · 03/10/2023 06:58

How long have you been together? How long was it good before bad?
have you told him how you are feeling?

KirstenBlest · 03/10/2023 07:00

You 'fell in love' with who you want him to be. He's shown you who he is, and he's not who you thought he was. Bin him and move on.

Original poster
WorldPeaceV · 03/10/2023 07:04

I tried to speak to him but I just seem to not be able to get my point across. Then I get stuck trying to talk about things.

Things have been good for about 8 months then the last month has been a bit of a wash out.

I'm mentally taking a step back because I don't want to risk feeling more upset.

OP posts:
ZebraD · 03/10/2023 07:08

Ok so not that long together but long enough to have established a basic understanding of each other. Has anything changed? It’s hard to understand without a little more detail in fairness. Are you happy together most of the time but then there are just the occasional comments or is it a total shift?

SpringleDingle · 03/10/2023 07:29

At least the first 6 months is the other person (and you) being on your best behaviour. What you see once that good behaviour fades is the real them… if you don’t like it leave, you’ll never get that person from month 2 back!

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 07:33

Has anything significant happened in his life? People defend when they feel vulnerable and unsafe.

It's horrible to deal with, from your side. It's like there's no way in to the calm, gentle person you know, and you have to deal with the change as if you're dealing with it with a stranger.

Livinghappy · 03/10/2023 07:40

Sadly sounds like love bombing and now once he feels secure in your feelings, devaluation starts, you pull away he chases again, you feel happier, he devalues...on & on it goes. Many people get stuck in this cycle for years.

How old is are you both and what is his relationship history?

I really wouldn't try to fix an 8 month relationship that has started to make you feel bad.

Original poster
WorldPeaceV · 03/10/2023 14:10

Nothing major major has happened. We both have had changes as to when we have our children but I like to think we're both trying to make the best of the situation.

There is a 10 year age gap. I'm younger. Both had long term relationships. Both been burnt in them and maybe that is causing a few insecurities?

I just really want to feel secure again. I feel like a cliché currently.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2023 14:22

If things aren't good between you and talking about the problems isn't helping, then it's probably time to call it quits. Eight months is about the time best behaviour turns into usual behaviour and his usual isn't good enough. Find someone else who you are more compatible with.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 14:30

I just really want to feel secure again. I feel like a cliché currently

What cliche do you feel like? It seems like you're seeing your emotional response to his changes as the problem.

Original poster
WorldPeaceV · 03/10/2023 15:11

Maybe not a cliche but that sort of opinion that now he has got me he doesn't need to work at us any more because I'm always going to be there. Does that make sense? I also feel I like him more than he does me. I don't know if I'm being unfair and knee jerking.

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 03/10/2023 16:50

Okay, so you have talked to him several times but he refuses to listen or apologise but instead gets defensive despite causing you hurt, and hurts you all over again. That is his personality and he won't change which means you either accept that you will get hurt on a regular basis and you cannot mention it OR you ditch him. Personally after only 8 months I wouldn't continue with this relationship. You might love/care for him but he doesn't reciprocate those feelings. I'm sorry Flowers

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 17:22

It doesn't sound like you need help to work out your feelings, it sounds like you're asking permission to feel them.

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