Overthinking and trust issues

[crazyscottsmum]

This might be a long one but please hang in there...
my partner and I have been together 3 years but we've known each other since kids. When we got together it was so random but felt perfect as wasn't any awkwardness like a beginning of a rship... anyway, he was with his ex 8 years and every so often he would disappear on a weekend bender then go home a few days later etc and I told him that I wasn't a door Matt and not putting up with that sort of crap, am 38 not 18. So fast forward a year, I feel pregnant emotions are everywhere, also suffer BPD & depression which isn't a good combo, and "old friend" of his messaged asking for a life, knowing I didn't like her as they were "buddies" b4 we got together he left telling me he was going somewhere n went to give her this lift.. I just knew something wasn't right in my gut and out the blue I knew was to do with her, hod knows how but always trust your gut. So I went a drive by hers n there was his van.. so I flipped, went mental chapped doors, went in to van took the house keys n told him to fuck off. She then sent me all the messages n swore it was just a lift n that was all nothing else in it ( texts were basic nothing sexual) but it's the lies, knowing how much I hated her he said he never told me because he was just trying to help her and not upset me. He then went on a bender messaging me saying he loved me n never done anything, not interested in her was just a fav and knows he shouldn't of lied. So boom... trust gone..... but pregnant and emotional we sorted things but told him don't ever treat me like that again.... fast forward another year his dad suddenly passed and he took it back... was ok till after funeral and was like it just hit him. I went to bed n woke up and he was gone, didn't answer phone to anyone, sent messages like " please remember I always love you and tell (baby) about me am joining my dad. He had a very very hard upbringing but he's 37 not a stupid wee boy. I told him I understand he might of needed a wee release etc and him bring him holds feelings in "guys don't cry" but he disappeared for a weekend leaving me, baby and I have 2 teens from previous rship with messages like that. I get he was struggling but if he wants a life "getting on it" rather than a family life I've told him to go fo it, I raised my oldest 2 myself I can raise my wee one too as not putting up with it, no contact nothing!! He's swore down and promised will never happen again.. but I don't believe him, if done it for years with ex, now he's got his 1st ever child if that's not made him grow up and want his family then nothing will. He's done everything to prove he won't, and this is the life he wants. But I feel like a door Matt now done it twice n still here. He's an amazing guy, dad, step dad that I can't fault him and does everything for us. But my walls are so high up I don't think can trust him n the sparks gone. He's promised he will prove n get trust back and the spark but I am so low, BPD has a massive effect as one of the main things is fear of abandonment. Which I don't think ge actually understands how it feels. We've spoke, he's promised, apologised etc. if happens again he's out as not putting myself through this or the kids. But I want him to be truthful and us to be happy like 99% of the time but right now I just have no trust. Do you think its possible to get it back? I know everyone says get rid of him etc but hard with baby, house a family etc when he hasn't physically cheated. It's more about getting drunk to numb his pain. He got therapy as a child but he needs it as years ago it wasn't the same as now. I don't really know what am asking just needed to talk x

Sorry I’m a little confused about the post. So he likes to drink and disappear for weekends- that’s very immature and I wouldn’t be happy with it.

It would seem he still has some feelings for the ex as she was part of his life for a long time. It’s hard to tell if anything happened since they are both heavily denying it.

The second time he disappeared after his dad died, it sounds like he was suicidal. Did he meet with her? It sounds like he was in a terrible place and needed time to grieve. Yes he has a baby on the way but at that moment in time he needed a bit of space to grieve properly. Who said the line- “guys don’t cry”? If it was him then he’s most likely feeling awkward about his feelings as he was perhaps raised not to show emotions. if it was you then it suggests why he left to grieve.

I think there’s a few things to worn one he needs to grow up and be more responsible but you also need to be firmer with your boundaries and what you expect. Weekend benders are fine when you’re 18, not an adult and I know you’ve expressed this to him but does he actually realise the commitment and work a child brings to the relationship?

Id hope the thing with the ex is in the past. If he hasn’t seen her or spoken to her since and you’ve decided to move past it already then I’d let it go for now. You’ve got other things to focus on.

He could most likely do with support with alcohol and grieving, could you both look into support groups for him?

Overall you need to decide what you’re getting from this relationship. It’s only been 3 years but seems to be riddled with problems. If you’re not happy and feel you’re able to raise this baby single then end the relationship. Offer him a chance to be part of his child’s life if he wants it. Maybe it will give him the shock he needs to grow up.

Hi sorry, she wasn't an ex.. they were just friends but had been together. I seen all the messages and was genuine messages about asking for a lift etc n was her & her sister not just her. But it's the lying part.

He says men don't cry, not me. God I think it's important to grieve and so emotions and it's ok to cry and be upset.

It has only been 3 years but it's not as easy as just walk away, Iam unhappy with the disappearing binge drinking.. but he's an amazing guy and tbh I think just needs help, he witnessed a murder when was 12 right infront of him as he tried to save the guy who was a family friend, and losds more stuff which he's never got over then never mind now. X

It seems he has a lot to work through but the thing is, he hasn’t cheated, he probably doesn’t want to upset or worry you.

I would look into getting him some support. He could probably do with speaking to a professional and working through his emotions.

Sorry I understand the confusion xx he was with his ex for 8 years and disappeared on her a lot so when he told me this I said I wasn't a door Matt etc it wasn't his ex he went to, was an old friend/ fk buddy kinda thing before we got together n that's why I don't like her, but was her and her sister and seen messages but it's the lying part.
He defo needs help, and promises never to do it again but he done it the full rship b4 why Trust he won't continue with me? Av told him I will do it myself with kids n he can still see his baby as wouldn't stop them but it's his choice what time he wants me and kids or childish benders n see his baby p/t as obviously wouldn't be staying here. He's at least started on anti depressants now which hasn't ever touched b4 x

Too much drama, he gave someone 'you hate' a lift and you storm in effin and blindin? I'm sorry but I thought this was written by a teenager , you sound very insecure and immature and completely lacking in any sympathy for his poor MH.

His dad just died so he's bound to be a bit all over the place. The giving a friend a lift, we'll sorry but I think your reaction to that was a tad extreme.

You either trust him or you don't but none of this sounds particularly healthy

I am sorry if it makes me sound immature but I guess you don't actually understand what BPD is then, as it takes over the rational thinking part of your brains, you only think in black in white where everything is either all great or all bad, if you want to comment on how someone with a severe mental health acts maybe try understand the actual illness 1st instead of judging. Yes I maybe acted nuts, but like I said with BPD plus pregnancy hormones all mixed up with him messaging an ex fuck buddy he knew I didn't like and arranged to pick her up n drop her off somewhere (can't mind the name) but it's like an hour or so away and hide all of this from me was tbh a massive effect on me who already had trust issues from previous relationships.

I do understand about his dad passing. But to disappear for a whole weekend ignoring all calls while he has a family and a baby. I understand he was struggling but I struggle with mental health but I have responsibilities I can't up and leave a baby as no matter what happens in life she comes 1st if he needed a wee blow out then out if that's how he copes but to turn phone off or ignore calls, from everyone for a whole weekend instead of just answering and saying he was struggling etc I mean I've lost a parent I get it.

I think you both need to work on yourselves op and I say this gently with no judgement. I guess you’re both not understanding each others emotions and mental well-being.

He has a new family but sadly he isn’t fully responsible for your older children so yes it was wrong for him to disappear for a whole weekend and leave you feeling stressed but he left you whilst you were pregnant. He needed space and to let off some steam. Whilst I don’t understand and wouldn’t be happy with his other disappearances, this one I would understand.

It’s good he’s started on antidepressants but I think you need to allow him some time to grieve and come to terms with having a baby and not meeting his father . I think you also need to put whatever happened in his past relationships behind you. You are so concerned about what he did in previous relationships that you are letting it control this one. It’s clouding your judgment and making you worry. Everyone has a past, sadly some involve things you wouldn’t be happy with but you need to try accept that it was the past and not now.

You both need a fresh start, try work together to chat calmly about your wants and needs from the relationship. Be open and honest and talk without fear of judgment from each other.

It sounds like you think that BPD and pregnancy hormones give you a free pass to behave unacceptably, and he thinks that he can dismiss your feelings at the drop of a hat because he's 'struggling'.

Have your own back. Don't mix with people you don't trust. Don't keep questioning your feelings. 'Having trust issues' basically means you don't trust him, so there is no relationship for you to find safety in, and yet you look to the relationship for safety.

Use common sense, rather than diagnoses and armchair psychology: this relationship isn't good for you, because it doesn't make you feel good. It wouldn't be a healthy environment to raise a child in, so leave, get some support to create that healthy environment, and accept that it didn't turn out how you wanted it to.

You don't have to keep buying into all this stress. I'd bet you're quite calm and peaceful except for when it comes to him, aren't you?

He disappeared to give the girl the left when was pregnant * his daughter was born July last year, his dad died may this year so he got to meet his granddaughter.

I've always been 100% supportive to him and his feeling, mental health etc

He isn't my oldest 2s dad as they are young teens. But he's there sisters dad, we all stay together and he's amazing with the oldest 2 and treats like his own in that sense even tho he's not, his whole family treat them the same as there little sister they don't treat any them differently even if not his.

When he left after his dad died, I understand sometimes you need space... time to clear the head etc but he left me & his nearly 1 year old daughter no calls, no contact.. no nothing.

I don't blame pregnancy hormones or BPD to get away with acting crazy... but unless you actually know how it makes you feel inside or understand BPD then you really have no idea how it feels, or how your brain reacts to things until you calm down and start to think rationally.

Op I’m not sure what you want people to say here. Maybe it’s just me but I’ve found your posts confusing. I assumed you’re pregnant and have 2 older children from a previous relationship, I’ve obviously misread somewhere and didn’t see about the 1 year old.

You’re not sure why you’ve posted other than needed to chat which is fair enough but we can all just post opinions. It’s hard to tell if you’re actually happy and what you want from this. It’s hard to leave someone when you’re in love and have a family. If you’re wanting this to work then you both need to have some frank and honest discussions and perhaps both get more support for your mental health.

What he did was wrong but when you’re grieving your head goes to weird places. I would have been more worried he was suicidal than anything else.

You both have done things in this relationship that’s hard to forgive but he’s moved past things and now you need to as-well. If you want this relationship to work then it’s time to move on from what’s happened before and focus on how to make it better now.

I don't think you're allowed to flip out when your spouse gives someone a lift like that. You don't like her...and so what? He does. You don't get to decide who he interacts with. Sounds like you made a total scene over nothing. If I was your partner I'd be furious with you.
But then, and I know I'm being harsh but I am also being honest, I wouldn't take up with someone with BPD. I couldn't be dealing with the emotional need. I'm not that selfless and I don't have the patience.

Yeah see that's why I am glad not everyone thinks like you. It's hard enough without people like you who wouldn't even give someone a chance. The part that annoyed me is, he said he had blocked her, he lied to me telling me he was talking his brother somewhere and then completely patched the phone and lied to me. Not that I am going nuts over him giving a pal a lift, was an old fuck buddy where he lied to me about dropping off. That's why I went nuts. Not just for the fun of it or to be nuts or use my mental illness as an excuse. So if u think he has a right to be mad at me then I guess each to there own and I've nothing else to say as we obviously don't have same opinion, if you wouldn't even deal with someone who has BPD mental illness then I hope u never ever have to experience real mental illness or any of your family members need to deal with a REAL mental illness as ad fell sorry for them as u seem to have no time or think ppl with mental illness can snap out of it, blame life on it or basically have no idea how it effects you. So thank you for your time, your comments and your opinion I appreciate you taking the time to comment and I hope you have a nice night

He gave the loft when you were pregnant over a year ago? is that right? That's plenty time to realise that's not rational behaviour how you reacted. I'm well aware of ppl with MH struggles, you can't use it or pregnancy as an excuse for continued poor behaviour.

Well look, I have dealt with both personality disorder and severe mental illness within my immediate family. That's exactly why I harbour the self-preservation I do. I have been damaged by both.

As I said. Enjoy your night bbe x