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Original poster

Found out my boyfriend downloaded dating apps

13 replies

TheAnimator999 · 02/10/2023 20:10

I posted this earlier and somehow deleted it (new here) so sorry if you replied earlier! 😖

my boyfriend and i have been together for over 4 years, he's 28 and i'm 25, this is both of our first proper relationship, we live together, have 2 fur babies, he's very open with his phone and social media etc, always has been, never given me a reason to doubt him, until last week.

we were going through his app store history to find this weight loss app we'd used a few years ago because I wanted to start using it again and couldn't remember the name. we get to end of 2019 on the list and I see some sort of dating app, so I take his phone and scrolled through and saw that he had downloaded a few of these apps within the first year of our relationship. none of them were the mainstream apps like tinder/hinge/bumble, they were all these random apps I'd never heard of. I was so shocked because I never imagined he would've done that.

I make a note of all the names and I download them myself because I want to see what they're about. turns out they are all filled with bots flooding your inbox, girls promoting their OF, or girls looking for sugar daddies, also to actually message and swipe/like/match with anyone you have to buy coins/tokens/hearts, they were all just cash scams basically. he insists he never actually had any intention to cheat, he was just curious to see what the apps entailed because they were unusual looking and that he saw them advertised and wanted to see what it was, rather than seeking them out to use (he streams sports on dodgy streaming websites on his phone and I have seen these type of apps advertised pop ups before) , he pulls up his app store purchase history which shows what apps you've spent money on and there was no money spent on any of them. he was very calm and plainly reiterated that he would never actually try to cheat, if he was unhappy he'd have just left. I told him its hard to believe that given he had downloaded these apps, and he insisted it was a moment of curiosity to see what it looked like, no different than clicking on a website link, then delete straight after.

I don't know how to feel as this was over 3 and a half years ago?? he let me go through his phone and there was no more apps downloaded. he's very insecure and hates having his photo taken, so the thought of him making accounts with his photos on seems so unlikely to me, he doesn't ever take selfies and even on his social media he doesn't post pictures of himself, just our cats and the odd pic of me really. I've always felt like I have no reason to doubt him, he's always been so open with his phone, and when I confronted him he didn't get angry or defensive he just said it how it was. I want to believe him, but its hard to factor in the context and not just take it at face value. I spoke to 2 friends and my mom and they all said that it was so long ago and in the early days of the relationship when things weren’t at all serious, and to not get hung up on it now, especially given he didn't do anything/meet anyone/pay to message people, sounds more likely he was just taking a look for the sake of looking and nothing more.

I'm not in denial or being naïve, I'm not just going to blindly believe him because I think that would be stupid, but I'm creating scenarios in my head now that are making me so upset. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 02/10/2023 20:21

Try not to create scenarios and stick to facts.
These were from popups. He clicked, looked and didn’t use them. Curiosity is not a crime.
It was when you just got together and your relationship wasn’t yet serious.

I’d judge the relationship by what it is. It doesn’t sound at all like he is hiding anything. You have access to his phone. I presume - other this thing - you are happy together?

Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 02/10/2023 20:32

MMmomDD · 02/10/2023 20:21

Try not to create scenarios and stick to facts.
These were from popups. He clicked, looked and didn’t use them. Curiosity is not a crime.
It was when you just got together and your relationship wasn’t yet serious.

I’d judge the relationship by what it is. It doesn’t sound at all like he is hiding anything. You have access to his phone. I presume - other this thing - you are happy together?

They weren’t downloaded just as we got together, it was within the first year (more so the beginning of the first year) but we weren’t serious at all. but you’re correct other than this I am happy. I just feel kind of embarrassed he did this :( I always thought of him as someone who would never do anything like this. Maybe I’m taking it to heart too much, I don’t know.

OP posts:
Smooshface · 02/10/2023 21:03

It was so long ago and he was happy to show you his phone, I would try and put this behind you as doesn't seem like they have done anything else that is setting off alarm bells.

MMmomDD · 02/10/2023 21:20

@TheAnimator999

What are you ‘embarrassed’ about? What is ‘IT’ he did for you to think he never would have?

Literally - pop up with a strange name. He was curious. Downloaded and saw what you saw - bots and money making scheme.
You seem to be assuming he meant to use the apps? Or actually used them? Why?
Its clear he didn’t.

Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 02/10/2023 21:50

MMmomDD · 02/10/2023 21:20

@TheAnimator999

What are you ‘embarrassed’ about? What is ‘IT’ he did for you to think he never would have?

Literally - pop up with a strange name. He was curious. Downloaded and saw what you saw - bots and money making scheme.
You seem to be assuming he meant to use the apps? Or actually used them? Why?
Its clear he didn’t.

I mean he said he saw them from pop ups but realistically that may not be true, at least not for all of them (there was 4). I do think it’s very unlikely he actively looked them up, I guess I just feel a bit embarrassed knowing my boyfriend downloaded dating apps, though I know with context it’s not as bad as it seems.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 03/10/2023 03:06

OP - you seem to be fixating on this.
What is embarrassing about downloading dating apps?
Even of he intended to use them - by your own words - you weren’t properly in a relationship when he did download them.

In addition - those were clearly not for ‘dating’ but for porn? Is that what you find embarrassing? You keep hinting but not really saying it:
And again - what is embarrassing about that?

Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 03/10/2023 05:20

MMmomDD · 03/10/2023 03:06

OP - you seem to be fixating on this.
What is embarrassing about downloading dating apps?
Even of he intended to use them - by your own words - you weren’t properly in a relationship when he did download them.

In addition - those were clearly not for ‘dating’ but for porn? Is that what you find embarrassing? You keep hinting but not really saying it:
And again - what is embarrassing about that?

I mean we were in a relationship, it was the first year so early days but deffo together.

I’m embarrassed that my boyfriend downloaded dating apps, that’s the extent of it, just the knowledge that he did it. Maybe I’m too sensitive but it’s just bothering me. I know he didn’t properly use them, but we were together and he did still download them.

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 05:41

You need to trust each other.
He seems honest to me.
Move forward; he now knows how you feel and he said he would leave if he were not happy.
It's healthy that you can both discuss this issue and also healthy that you can put it aside and proceed with a full life of real episodes..

CrackSpackle · 03/10/2023 05:42

You don't know what to do? If it were me I would drop it, it's ancient history. If you have a good relationship, don't let this ruin it. You are creating scenarios in your head and insisting in feeling "embarrassed", but you've had a very reasonable explanation from him, there's no other indicators of anything wrong, and you have a good relationship. There's really no smoking gun is there?

Goldflap · 03/10/2023 06:17

I'd say downloading one might be plausible as curiosity but 4 sounds like he was actively looking for one that was legit/ appealing to him.
You do know he didn't use it though so if I were you in the spirit of being open and honest as it seems you are both being you should think about what your boundaries are and make them very clear to him.

Lots of people accept their partner looks at porn for example and they are entitled to a private life but if that strays into using Only Fans that might cross a line (I think it would for most) so it's a good opportunity to air all this so if it ever did become obvious he was doing this you are both in no doubt he has consciously disrespected your relationship boundaries.

If you are happy and believe him try and move on but at the same time if you feel shitty including embarrassment (it's him that should be embarrassed) then you are entitled to feel that way.

Everyone's phone activity is incredibly private and maybe we'd all find strange stuff if we looked on each other's phones.

Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 03/10/2023 08:17

Goldflap · 03/10/2023 06:17

I'd say downloading one might be plausible as curiosity but 4 sounds like he was actively looking for one that was legit/ appealing to him.
You do know he didn't use it though so if I were you in the spirit of being open and honest as it seems you are both being you should think about what your boundaries are and make them very clear to him.

Lots of people accept their partner looks at porn for example and they are entitled to a private life but if that strays into using Only Fans that might cross a line (I think it would for most) so it's a good opportunity to air all this so if it ever did become obvious he was doing this you are both in no doubt he has consciously disrespected your relationship boundaries.

If you are happy and believe him try and move on but at the same time if you feel shitty including embarrassment (it's him that should be embarrassed) then you are entitled to feel that way.

Everyone's phone activity is incredibly private and maybe we'd all find strange stuff if we looked on each other's phones.

I did think the same about him trying to find one that may be appealing to him but He downloaded them a few months apart, I think if he had been that keen he’d have kept downloading them all in one go till he found one he likes? Or maybe I’m just being dumb lol. And you’re right he should be embarrassed, and he is and he apologised profusely. Maybe I’m over thinking it, I’m sure most people have strange stuff on their phone like you said

OP posts:
Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 03/10/2023 08:18

CrackSpackle · 03/10/2023 05:42

You don't know what to do? If it were me I would drop it, it's ancient history. If you have a good relationship, don't let this ruin it. You are creating scenarios in your head and insisting in feeling "embarrassed", but you've had a very reasonable explanation from him, there's no other indicators of anything wrong, and you have a good relationship. There's really no smoking gun is there?

Yeah you’re so right. I think it’s just the initial shock hasn’t worn off. I don’t want this to ruin the relationship as it was so long ago and we’ve come so far since then.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheAnimator999 · 03/10/2023 08:18

user1492757084 · 03/10/2023 05:41

You need to trust each other.
He seems honest to me.
Move forward; he now knows how you feel and he said he would leave if he were not happy.
It's healthy that you can both discuss this issue and also healthy that you can put it aside and proceed with a full life of real episodes..

Yeah I need to live in the moment and stop stressing about something from years ago. I think it’s jsut the initial shock and upset, I hope it wears off soon

OP posts:
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