How quickly can I end my marriage - can't bear it any more

[goldienut]

I've been considering separation/divorce for a few years. It has been a twenty three year marriage, and throughout it DH has had endless mental health issues (which I have supported him through), been emotionally abusive and selfish. We have three teenage children. I suddenly feel like I can't take it any more. My health is suffering, I am not sleeping and am having palpitations and anxiety whenever he is around. I am currently speaking to a counsellor and she has said that she thinks I have PTSD from the chronic emotional abuse in the relationship.

I am planning to see a lawyer soon to find out where I stand financially. I know things are going to be very tough as I don't earn much, but I have to do it.

I was wondering if anyone could tell me a rough timescale. If I see a lawyer, then get more information, should I then tell my DH? I am assuming it will take around 6 months for the divorce to come through, is that correct? Do people tell their DH then just have to live with them in a horrible atmosphere for the duration of the divorce process? I don't think either one of us can afford to move out. But I don't think I can not tell him, he will need time to make his own plans etc.

Also I have been worrying about the house - would we put it on the market before or after the divorce is finalised? Then if we can sell it, I guess we would split the equity and both have to find new places to live before the new owners of our current house want to move in. It all seems so touch and go, and I feel so stressed about everything.

It's hard with the dc, if it was just me I would move out tomorrow and stay at my mum's but obviously I want to provide stability for the dc.

If anyone has any advice or experience in this situation, I would be very grateful.

@goldienut sorry nobody has answered your question, hope you’re okay? The only person who can really give a sensible answer is a lawyer I’m afraid. You have children and own a house together, so it’s not entirely straightforward. How old are your dc? Try getting all your financial details together and find a good divorce lawyer. You don’t have to say anything to your husband at this point. Or for quite a while as you plan the next step! Let your lawyer guide you. Good luck!

The divorce itself is around 6 months. Once you apply there is a 20 week cooling off period before the first bit and then I think it's another 6 weeks until it can be finalised at the earliest.
As soon as you apply your ex will be notified so if you don't tell him the court will.
I'd recommend getting some time with a solicitor to see where you stand, you might be able to go through mediation and save money if you are both prioritising the children and are therefore trying to make sure you are both set up for the next chapter. Solicitors are a lot more money, but then they do advocate for you whereas a mediator can only tell you what the court would do and the different options yet you have to make all the decisions.
It's tough though and I have no idea how timings work.
Any financial agreements aren't legal until the latter stages of your divorce, yet most people don't want to be stuck living together so it's a bit of a risk.
I am a year into separation and about to have the final mediation meeting. However we only recently applied for the divorce. I still feel clueless.