Have split but he just refuses to leave - anyone else been here?

[Brummie2023]

Have been cohabiting with DP several years and have 3 DC. His behaviour has been pretty bad - very angry/shouty, mood swings, blames me for everything that goes wrong, etc etc. Originally we lived in my property which I owned before we got together, then more recently we bought a home together jointly. My equity from my old property is held in a trust and what's left is split 50:50.

For various reasons, things got a lot worse after we bought the new property and I have had support from various places regarding trying to get out of the relationship (he has always, always insisted that everything is my fault, or my imagination and that we have to stay together as we will not contemplate a split).

I will attempt to cut a long story short - tried really hard to get my ducks in a row, saved up a bit of money and earlier this year saw a solicitor and a letter was issued, offering him some money a bit over and above what he was technically entitled to, and asking him to leave. We are now getting towards the end of the year and he has done absolutely nothing apart from allegedly getting his free 30 mins of legal advice. When the subject has been brought up with him, he rotates between refusing to agree to split, agreeing to split but disagreeing with what he is entitled to, or refusing to leave because I'm mad and can't be trusted with the children.

It kind of doesn't matter what his reasons/excuses are - there will just always be a reason why he cannot do what has been asked (and this is how he conducts his life - refusing to comply with requests). I desperately want to keep the house but cannot go on with the awful atmosphere and the poor kids are really suffering.

My options for leaving in the short term are pretty limited due to my work, the kids' schooling etc. And worse still, the mortgage offer I had secured with great difficulty to take on the property is about to expire (he knows this and I think he has enjoyed watching get increasingly anxious).

Has anyone been in this awful limbo and got any advice/experience to share? I know that potentially the next step could be legal proceedings to get him away from us but I really hoped it wouldn't come to that. People keep saying it's amazing I've got this far in terms of trying to exit this awful situation but right now I just can't see a future 😔

I was where you are a couple of years ago. It was the worst and loneliest time of my life. I was married and also had a mortgage. Very unhappy marriage. No violence but I genuinely believed for most of my marriage that my exh hated me. I could not treat someone the way he treated me if I loved them. We did have good times and I used to make the most of some situations to try to be happy but like you I was always belittled, laughed at, never taken seriously, my problems (his behaviour) was all in my head and I also got blamed for absolutely everything. He was a pig of a man and didn't think twice about shouting and ranting around the house in front of the kids so I know what you mean when you describe your partners behaviour. Now when I finally plucked up the courage to separate, I knew it would be tough but nothing prepared me for how tough it actually was. He also refused to leave the house, not that he should automatically have to, but I was the kids main carer and he had two other houses in his family he could go to, I had no one, no longer have either of my parents even. He stayed in the house, refusing to go, didn't agree with anything I suggested to make like easier for the children because the children believe it or not are not their main concern, hurting you is his goal. My ex watched every move i made and delayed all paperwork with solicitors etc so I would have to live in that hell for as long as he wanted me to. My solicitor tried to get me to fight for the house but he had me so worn down at that stage that we just sold it and split the difference. My kids had to move to rented houses until I found a nice place for us. He sees them every second week on his terms and still has a huge influence over my life. Even though I have moved on I can still feel his presence around me. I can't tell you to keep fighting for what you feel you're entitled to because I know how much it could drain you of all your self worth as your partner sounds very similar to my ex however if today was yesterday I probably would have fought more and not given into everything he demanded. You need to be strong and keep going but its just a house at the end of the day and you can make a lovely home somewhere else for you and your kids. A happy home. Best of luck and I hope you're happy with your outcome whatever it may be xx

I have been here too. Nasty, vile, controlling ex who refused to let us split up let alone leave. He eventually realised I was being serious but then refused to let me buy him out of the house, again to try and control me. We have 2dc together as well and didn't care if they ended up on the streets as long as I didn't end up with the house. The only way I got him out (after 11 long months after breaking up with him and him still here) was buy offering more money out of the house than he was entitled to. This was a bitter pill to swallow as he had already taken thousands off of me, including me paying of his debt so we could get the mortgage in the first place. He finally left which has been lovely, yet he still tries to control me by not having the kids because he doesn't want to 'facilitate my life' (his actual words!)
I have now contacted the CMS to receive child maintenance and I've calculated that by the time the kids are 18 he would have actually paid me all my money back! That comforts me a lot!
If your ex is refusing to leave, despite offering him more money than he is entitled to, then unfortunately it will have to be legally resolved. However, if your mortgage deal is about to expire, could you up your offer just a little bit more knowing he will be paying you back in child maintenance? I really wish I had more advice, I really do feel for you x x

Thank you so much to both of you @Lill1e and @user1493400455 for replying. It's awful to read that you have both been through similar but it's nice for me to hear your experiences as I don't feel so alone. I think I've got this far by trying to (or maybe only being capable of) focusing on just the next hurdle, but no sooner have I got over one than an even bigger one looms. Getting the mortgage approved was HORRIFIC and beyond stressful and I thought that once it was approved I would be over the biggest hurdle but no - really hadn't banked on him being as difficult and manipulative as he has been (although why that's come as a surprise to me I don't know).

For various reasons, I've done all I can to ensure we can stay in our home rather than sell up. But financially it's going to be very tough if we stay. And bizarrely he has said he doesn't want us to have to give up the house, probably because myself and the kids could end up anywhere, which would be outside of his control.

I reached breaking point over the summer as just felt so pushed into a corner with it all. I was going to go on sick leave then realised I would probably jeopardise the mortgage application when it has to be done all over again - you couldn't make it up really!

Hi, yes, same here, for months after separation, with a very angry, vile ex husband. He refused to leave "his" house, I was stuck, I've still not had a penny from him as he's dragging his feet with everything. I was so lucky that my parents helped me out so I could buy on my own, and once out I could get universal credit to support myself and the kids. It's horrible, manipulative behaviour. I really feel for you, living like that is immensely stressful and like others have said very lonely. I'm not sure about elsewhere but here in Scotland it has to be 2 years separate before one side can ask for divorce (unless you can prove fault, which I possibly can, but it would be messy). I think maybe you can sooner in England? It's so annoying as I've spent a fortune on lawyer but he's not bothering doing anything.
I hope you find your way out soon, once You're living separately things are so much more bearable. It takes lots of strength to put up with this, but you can get through it x