Do you hate the impact of social media and your relationship?

[123times]

I'm 34 and I am sat reflecting on my life. I have had 3 serious relationships as an adult. I can say for sure that 2 of them were ruined by social media and my partners choices. By my partners eyes wondering. By sneaky messages. Texts to exes and continued communication. By things not stacking up. I feel emotionally done with the idea of love and commitment. I have somehow started looking down a road of dogs and a little house with me and the kids. To throw myself into work and enjoy whatever years I have with friends and my kids and family.

I've been in a thing now for a couple of years with someone. Abit patchy and not really included the kids in this "connection". He's just said some stuff today about our communication used to be exciting and now it's settled into a routine and we talk about my work etc. It's funny because he's had that many problems this year he's dominated everything which is why we've not progressed and we likely won't. He's 47 so quite abit older than me. We haven't had excitement this year because he was living in hotels this year until he found a flat. He's always struggling and down in the dumps. I guess I'm realising he's another person who won't be capable of the long term stuff and he's also a nightmare for checking out women and Facebook.

Have relationships always been this bad or am I just unlucky.

I hate to say it because you’ve had a crap time and you’re obviously feeling quite down but this has nothing to do with social media and everything to do with these men being hopeless cases.
For me, social media doesn’t have any effect on my relationship at all. If DH was the type to cheat on me, he’d do that with or without social media.

Agree with PP. I'm sorry you've had a bad time dating - I have too, for many years! - but this is entirely the fault of the losers you've dated and nothing to do with social media. It might facilitate interactions in a way that wasn't possible 20+ years ago but it doesn't make anyone do anything. Have you had therapy to explore why you're attracted to the sort of people who make rubbish partners?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. These men you’ve dated seemingly are all hopeless cases including this current man who is a lot older than you.

Why is your relationship bar this low that you’ve allowed that man into your life at all?. He needs to be dumped now and you should never act as some sort of rehab centre for some badly raised man either.

I feel like im never safe. I'm not paranoid. Middle boyfriend was genuine on social media. But the 1st and 3rd both have them personalities of ooo hot woman. I'm just sick of it. I have friends or have seen plenty of women splitting from men who have cheated and had emotional affairs going on. One of my friends has been on a dating app 2 years and she has all these pointless communications and she's always down because they lie and ghost etc. It's so childish.

Maybe it's too late for me. I'm just starting to question if those years are over for me. I'm well aware I'm still young and it's silly. I'm just feeling my life is a mess and not sure itl change.

My dad was a grafter who looked after us and did the garden and DIY. He's still married to my mum. He is a great role model and has always respected my mum. I think I've just attracted 2 pillocks lol.

Are you a rescuer or saviour when it comes to relationships?.

there were always cheaters, social media just makes it easier for them to cheat, but also makes it easier to find out about it

If I'm honest my mum was emotionally cold growing up. I remember leaving school and I wanted to be nurse but I was shy. I worked in retail and ended up in the pharmacy where I did my counter course. Eventually I did home care along side this. I had my children. But I always want to help people when they are sad or down. I do Try give people positive words and I let people come to me..I'm also good at organising money and stuff and I'm responsible. So I've always took care of things.

Because of my lower confidence I never chased after what I really wanted. I think I settled.

I get alot more male attention than when I'm in my 20s. I think I'm more "attractive" now. I think that's to do with finding my style etc. I do get interest but they are often older men or those men that have been single years from school. I can't say anyone decent ever approaches me. But then again they will be settled now. I have friends. I work. Etc but meeting men isn't really happening in the places I go.

Not sure why I let this older chap into my life. The irony is I thought he'd be wise.

Yes. Not just social media but all the very many online things now that can be used to communicate. There's WhatsApp, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, telegram etc etc. Snapchat especially where conversations are deleted immediately.
I had a bit of an upset/incident recently with my partner and it's really opened my eyes to all this and how easy it is to just communicate with anyone/ anywhere/ about anything and no one else ever need know.
I have heard so many sad stories lately from people I know about upsets in their relationships and it's usually always involving some form of social media/messaging app etc.

I get what you're coming from. We can't fully blame social media, as these men do have their own minds. However, no one can deny that social media makes it so much easier to be an idiot.

Instead of ogling over celebs, you can now go on Instagram and eye up random people who you may actually end up meeting in real life. And it makes you think the grass is greener because everyone posts the perfect picture of themselves and not what they look like first thing in the morning when they're late for work, trying to get the kids ready for school etc.

You can now send unlimited messages for free on Whatsapp, Facebook etc. So it's easier to be secretive. Friendly messages turn into flirting etc.

I think you just need to find someone who is mature enough to not be sucked into all of that. And unfortunately, that's easier said than done.

As for this guy you're seeing, it sounds like he is only bringing you negativity and it's clear there is no future there so I would cut him loose.

I can 100% say that if it wasn't for tiktok and stbxh absolute addiction to it, to the point he prioritised his "followers" over his own family, then we would probably still be together. I mean he'd still be a dick, immature and emotionally abusive, but we'd still be rubbing along together and I wouldn't have an 8yr old lying in bed with me because he's too sad to sleep on his own because daddy is no longer here (which is also, according to ds, all my fault for making him go away)

Honestly, social media is the worst.

Yes it's certainly made the weak weaker. I agree you are either that way or your not.
It's absolutely true it used to be celebrities now they have the "opportunity," to perve on old high school friends, women at work. Local women. Etc etc. I'm sure a good proportion of men are still able to hold down a relationship and be faithful but it feels alot are also happy to hide stuff and get their ego boosted elsewear

Do you know what you want in a man and go for what you want, or does a man get attracted to you, then flatter you and you go for it because he's interested?
The one you have now sounds like he was a dead loss from the start, and yet you went along with it and have stuck by it, wasting time.
Don't date men who like to oggle women on SM would be a start. They do exist. Don't date men who objectify women. That's a lot of men to weed out, but once you do, you might get to a good one.

It goes without saying that connecting to people via a device compromises connection to people in real life. Add to that the fact that it's become standard for people to upload semi-nude photos of themselves for likes, and normalised for men and women to browse these images as a normal part of their day. It's a perfect storm for marriages. People my age grew up without any of it. Our addiction as adults began after our brains were fully developed. Who knows what future relationships will look like for our children growing up with this element as a constant. I've no answers to any of it, but it saddens me to see children who cannot put the device down because of how nervous it makes them feel.

How do you know at the start or anytime really if they oggle other women on social media though?

I’ve recently come out of a long term relationship and feel sad that it looks as though I’m never going to find someone who doesn’t oggle or cheat as it seems all men do.

How are you supposed to know as checking phones is wrong and men lie? You don’t know what they are looking at ever.

You can tell by their general attitude towards women and how they as a man fit in with that. Are they obviously eying them up when you go out? Do they spend a lot of time on their phone? Have they ever passed an objetifying comment? There are often clues to an overall attitude. Key is to notice it and vote with your feet early stages, don't hang around trying to compete, it's wasting time.

Do you think if a man is on his phone a lot that’s what he must be doing? Ogling women?

We're a bit older and use message boards (obviously) and have friendship group WhatsApps. But SM, neither of us active at all. Mostly because when it exploded we had babies and toddlers and the odd cute photo fine but once they got older we didn't post because that's not really our choice.

Then we realise it's all fake nonsense trying to make other people jealous largely, unless you do the interest group thing.

And that's where it should stay, not real, bit of interest, escape, has no bearing on your real life nor should you have any real emotions invested in it. If I was ever looking for a new partner I would only enjoy someone who thought the similar.