Perimenopause or something else? Don't want sex any more

[jugglingeverything77]

I've always had a low libido- it's always been an issue in our marriage- hubby complaining and making sly digs about the lack of it, we've had arguements and even him saying we can't go on like this. Usually ending in me crying and apologising and then life goes on the same again. He says it's not just about sex- I am not touchy feely (never have been) and he says it's the lack of touching, cuddling etc too. But this is just how I am, I can't change that! Now my libido has gone even lower to the point where recently I've almost felt a bit repulsed by sex and cringing when having to do the deed with dh. I feel so bad but I literally just don't want to do it! Don't get me wrong, eventually (takes ages) when I am turned on I'm happy to finish it but before hand I just don't want to even start! Last night I read for ages hoping he'd fall asleep so he wouldn't try anything.

There's nothing wrong with attraction -he's a very fit man - it's not like I'm replused by a big gut or something or gone off him physically. I know it's probably hormones/peri related- I'm due to see a doctor in a few weeks re HRT.

But lately I've also had thoughts going round in my head every day that I'd rather be alone, wish he'd just cheat on me and go elsewhere. I keep mulling over old arguments, things he'd done to upset me. Some instances of him almost cheating/ kind of cheating but not sex in the past that keep coming back to haunt me even though it was 15 years ago and I apparently forgave him. I'm wondering if it's my brain telling me I could have done better, that I shouldn't have married him and now it's telling me to jump ship and find the man I deserve?? He's a good father and husband but there have been times when he's been disrespectful, angry (he want to counselling for the anger) and sometimes I just wish I'd married someone laid back who makes me laugh etc.

Perhaps it's a hormone-raging mid-life crisis!! 😂Can anyone relate or have any advice? TIA!

Sounds like a mixture of low key resentment spanning the years and a drop in hormones/perimenopause. Don't wish on infidelity.....It's truly awful, although if you no longer want him, perhaps you wouldn't particularly care. I would say, looking at it from his perspective, a lack of affection from your partner can be soul destroying. Don't underestimate how much it can erode a relationship. That said, if he's cheated in the past, then its of no surprise that you don't think warmly of him. I guess you need to figure out where to go from here. Libido can be boosted with hrt/ testosterone. As oestrogen levels drop, many women find themselves caring much less about other people, husbands included.

I've had this. i felt the same as you im on hrt and haven't had a period since 2020, eventually I got my sex drive back but its not the same as before. In your case tho, I think you also have the bad behaviour from him in the past on top of that. Maybe you should leave because feeling resentful about his treatment of you is an extra burden on top of the massive upheaval of menopause. If you can I would seriously consider this.

Your post is very reminiscent of how I felt when I hit the menopause. No libido, growing resentment and urge to live alone.

I didn’t act on it and wish I had. Ten years later when my marriage was imploding I finally sought therapy from a chartered clinical psychologist.

She validated my feelings and helped me see I was actually in an abusive relationship.

Menopause changes your brain as well as your body. I just seemed to realise that I shouldn’t be putting up with all his shit. He’s soon to be an ex.

Good luck.

I am turning 45 this month, and I think I am going through perimenopause but I am the opposite way, last couple of years I could have a sex every day. This summer I had huge changed in my brain, I am emotional wreck. All started begging of summer, I am so needy for my husbands touch, kiss, hug and making love to him and that is all good because he loves it but I am also acting crazy, jealous, angry, moody, sad. I kept running things actually one thing that happened 20 years ago, it was not even close to cheating and I never mention that to him before but did month ago, not just mention I was crying and acting like that just happened. I am going to counseling this month, even right now I feel pretty good, which it was not like that last week (I had mix of good and bad days, right before my period and during), hormones' can make us feel like we are not ourselves, on my bad days I feel like there is some other person live in my body, I was never like this before and I decide not to let this to make me some grumpy, miserable person, I hate to live with my self whenever I have those days, cannot even imaging how people in my household feels. Ask him how he feels being around you? For me it was also eye opening whenever my kids asked me what is going on and why am I so sad? Try to kiss, hug, talk to your husband or your kids, it helps, we all need that connection even if we think we just want to be alone, being alone and with your intrusive thoughts will just make you feel worse. ,

I feel just like this OP. Very confusing state to be in it definitely feels like a turning point in life. I cant advise but I can empathise. I hope your appointment brings some clarity.

I have a working theory that menopause marks the end of putting everyone first. The kids have gone, you've fulfilled your caring duties and you've gained 50 years of wisdom and experience. The lower libido and reduced tolerance of other people's shit is also a side effect of finally getting off that hormonal rollercoaster that kept you sexed up and docile during your fertile years. Think of it as you getting you back.

I have a sneaking suspicion that evolution is a bit at play here - losing our libido is nature's way of making sure good sperm isn't wasted on infertile women.

I missed my libido and HRT brought it back, which is great for me, but there is no reason why you should do anything you don't want to. Maybe consider some solo therapy to think about your marriage.

When I lost my libido I was prescribed testosterone, this has to be via menopause specialist, rather than GP, you can get a referral. It worked.

However, it sounds like you don’t really want that, you just want to separate.

You are allowed. You only get one life. Would you be OK financially on your own?

Thanks for all the replies! No I wouldn't be ok finanically the way things stand at the moment- I've been studying for the last 3 years and am just starting up my business with zero of my own money- Hubby is the breadwinner. But perhaps in a few years I'll be more stable financially.

Good to know I'm not alone, and I'm still not sure if things are that bad in my marriage- generally we're good, but sometimes he makes me so mad I'm literally livid and (in my head threatening to leave) but perhaps hormones are making it worse. I just keep thinking we get one life and mine is passing me by and is this really it for me in terms of my relationship happiness - I don't feel like I've found the one or my soul mate......

Absolutely feel your pain. I was the same as a PP when I was 45 and I had random periods of absolute raging horniness - which I assume was a last ditch attempt by my body to get pregnant (which thankfully failed!). I am now 50 and I just can't be arsed with it.

I love DH. He is a wonderful man, very hands on at home, affectionate, attractive, very fit but I just don't want him anywhere near me. I feel bad about it and so occasionally I'll look at it like another unwanted household chore that has to be done - and once I get into it, it's fine, but man alive, getting round to is some massive effort.

Do people recommend HRT? My anxiety is through the roof as well and I'm assuming this is something to do with it. My last period of actually wanting sex was 2 years ago, just before DS (now aged 14) was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, which basically killed off sleep for 2 years and caused us all massive anxiety. I can't work out whether it's that or menopause or an unhappy combination of the two.

I feel every inch of your dilemma I knew I would lose my libido at menopause, as it happened when I was breastfeeding, and I saw my mother go from highly sexually active to no interest when she passed 50 (the boyfriends disappeared).

I just asked myself if I'd even want my libido back (I had a strong sex drive during my fertile years). I think the answer is no. I'm happy no longer thinking about sex. I'm very happy that I no longer have to concern myself with being attractive to men. It's freed up a lot of mental energy to pursue things I enjoy and care about. I also think it's perfectly normal to go off sex as you age, and I suspect nature knows best here. Older and wiser is the way to go, not trying to remain randy forever.

and then DH does something like this...he came in from picking up one of the kids from a club and complained dinner was late. He didn't leave it there, he said it happens every time I make this particular meal. He said he'll just cook next time so it's on time. I lost my rag and said he was ungrateful. I'm so angry. He's been so nice for weeks then he just turns into an asshole. I went to so much effort making this meal from scratch, he should have just kept his frustration about it being late to himself. Then when I said he was ungrateful he said I was ungrateful and never thank him for anything. He ALWAYS turns things around when I am upset about something....

....its always a competition as to who has it harder, who does more for the kids....

Libre2 how does your hubby take it? Mine won't shut up about how he's so hard done by and never gets any. It ranges from little quips and jokes to him sometimes getting really upset with me. We probably do it 4 times a month, that's not that bad I don't think!

jedna13 my hubby would love it if I couldnt keep my hand off him lol! I try to make an effort, but when he upsets me (and sometimes it is so often) I feel so annoyed or upset that it festers and I feel like it's literally killing my love for him

I think as your hormone levels drop so do the scales from your eyes & you see lots of things you didn't see before!

I think in your case OP, it's difficult to tell from your posts wether this man has always been abusive (Angry, acting inappropriately with other women, guilting you in to sex) and you are only just seeing it for what it is or if your hormones are making things seem worse than they are.

What do you think?

He's lovely about it really. He is the most wonderful man, I just don't want to have sex with him (or anyone). Your DH sounds somewhat different though and less lovely with the complaints etc. Mine mucks in and does most of the cooking and child care anyway as I am the main breadwinner. I am very lucky and just need to get my libido back for both our sakes.

He did apologise the next day straight away saying there was no excuse for his behaviour. We have long periods of being fine and he's really nice/loving/caring, then suddenly he'll just be such a dick or get disproportionately angry about something trivial then I just get so pissed off I just want to be alone. And seriously, do just have to accept his apologies and move on each time? I don't know. I think my tolerance is reducing along with my hormones.

....and he does muck in with various things- more so now that I'm working some days later and he has to be there for the kids after school. But what drives me mad is he'll cook dinner and then say 'see how tidy it is- I clear up as I go along' (because I'm a messy cook) it does my head in. And I don't see him washing up after he's cooked whereas I always do. He hangs out the washing, gets the kids to help tidy, put the bins out, mow the lawn etc. I do more but I am at home more.

showawsome the anger has reduced a lot- he's much better with the kids after the counselling. He's calmer and happier. No incidents with other women for the last 8 years as far as I know....though my trust in him will never be 100%, and yes the guilting still goes on - more like flippant remarks about how he doesn't get any, don't remember when we last had sex etc comments. He makes jokes about it.