I’ve been with my partner for 26 years and we have 3 children 12,18,20. As with most relationships we’ve had some rough times but managed to work through them. Recently though I just feel like we’re drifting further and further apart, he’s working constantly so we can try to save for a mortgage, I’m working and managing the house and children. Money is so tight I’ve not got much of a life of my own. I’ve suffered with anxiety and low confidence over the years and question if it is the result of my partner and how he can be with me sometimes( much more when younger) he can gaslight and turn things round on me which makes me feel a bit out of control, ashamed and guilty. He isn’t an emotional person at all and doesn’t show much love or affection and can be snappy and talk over me, he says that I’m over sensitive and that it’s me that’s the problem. I can’t work out how much snappiness and bickering is normal? I’m questioning this too as I might be demanding more than what happens in a normal relationship?? He does make efforts to take me out when he can but I just feel alone and unloved even when we’re together. He doesn’t understand why as he can go to great efforts to treat me but I think I’m missing that warm feeling or look he used to give me, I could feel his love if that makes sense. He says he loves me but he just can’t love me the same way any more, he says he can’t be the person I want him to be. I keep trying to say that if you love someone then you shouldn’t need to try or be reminded to show affection.
We’ve talked about splitting up and he feels he can’t give me what I need. I’m just really confused. If it is just me then splitting up won’t necessarily help me. I just can’t see things clearly and what I need to do. I know I feel really low and have lost a lot of friends and family but can’t work out if it’s my own demons that have caused it or whether it is an unhealthy relationship. The children love him and I believe see me as more the one that ‘has a go’ at Dad, they don’t recognise the lack of affection or other things he does. I’m afraid of splitting up and the children leaving me too. I dread coming home from work everyday but more because of the situation, he’s working, it’s stressful and he doesn’t give me any emotional support or at least it is very inconsistent. If I cry he doesn’t really respond any more. We’re both working so hard towards a shared goal of buying a house but to the detriment that I’m struggling to cope.
I’m really not sure what to do.