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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH possible mid life crisis

13 replies

Overthehills40 · 02/10/2023 10:46

Hoping someone can give me some clarity or support on what an earth is going on with my DH. I think he is having some sort of mid life crisis and i’m stuck in the middle of it all.

He announced a few weeks ago that life was monotonous and he felt like we wanted different things from our future. He cited examples such as wanting to buy a bigger house as opposed to paying our mortgage off. For context we moved house 5yrs ago and have a very large mortgage already.

DH was made redundant during Covid and he has done a mix of work since then. He did start a permanent role but that all ended in him
leaving after 12mo due to an awful
work/life balance and a bullying boss in that role. Since then he’s been doing contracting work which has been very lucrative but obviously without other benefits like holiday pay etc. I’ve supported him throughout all of this and it’s been pretty tough.

We agreed a few weeks ago that we would try and stop taking each other for granted by communicating more and trying to spend some more time together. It’s been hard as we’ve both been away with work. Despite having a nice weekend, my gut feeling made me question him to see how he’s feeling. He basically said he feels like we’re best friends and he’s not sure that’s enough anymore. I suggested he takes some time away from us (me and DD 10yrs) by moving for a week to get some head space.

Not sure what’s going on at all and wondering if anyone can help me gain some clarity as I feel like my world is self combusting on me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Overthehills40 · 02/10/2023 17:37

Anyone got any thoughts?

OP posts:

50lessfat · 02/10/2023 17:46

Sounds like he is still planning an exit from the marriage just undecided what time will best suit him. Take control of your own future and happiness. Sorry.

nearlywinteragain · 02/10/2023 17:59

It sounds as though he has had enough of being a married parent to be honest.
Did he agree with leaving? If he did I would wonder if he has his eye on someone else?
It seems very immature behavior on his part.

TeenLifeMum · 02/10/2023 18:04

Life does get monotonous but you can book a holiday. Buying a bigger house is fine if he has a permanent job but doesn’t sound like he does. Finally, choosing to love someone is exactly that, a choice. We could all choose to look around for someone more fun but loving someone is a decision and a commitment so if he doesn’t want to find fun within your relationship I’d wave him out the door. Don’t get me wrong, I’d be devastated and furious with dh but I’m not ever playing the pick me game so if he decides one day he isn’t sure if he picks me then off he goes because I’m not prepared to be manipulated like that. He wants to have his cake and eat it and that’s not how marriage works.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2023 18:10

He sounds like he needs counselling. My armchair diagnosis is that his job situation has destabilised his sense of worth, coupled with you earning more, his ego is bruised. You’ve been under a lot of pressure so you haven’t been able to soothe his ego. Therefore he is feeling unloved and like you’re ‘just friends’. It’s easier for him to think this than to examine his own self-esteem. He’s trying to fix an internal problem with himself by changing his external circumstances.

It’s not you, is what I’m saying. He should go to counselling. He’s a parent and a husband, he can’t just give up.

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/10/2023 18:11

He’s checking out - had his head turned, or got his eye on someone at the very least. Sorry op. You need to be proactive, take control and don’t sit passively by while he tries to have his cake and eat it…

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/10/2023 18:22

I would say he's met someone else and is preparing the ground for his imminent departure. Sorry.

Universalsnail · 02/10/2023 18:23

Are you still intimate? Your comment that he said you were like best friends makes me think you are not and I imagine that has something to do with it unfortunately.
Sounds like his bad job has destabilised him and he's questioning what he actually wants with his life, possibly feels like he's settled and isnt happy.

I think he needs some counselling and also be honest about why he feels you are just beat friends.

SueDonnym · 02/10/2023 18:26

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/10/2023 18:11

Ii agree

Original poster

Overthehills40 · 02/10/2023 18:54

Thanks all for the feedback.

I am wondering if he has someone else and I have asked him outright- of course he has denied that.

Tbh I’m not willing to beg him to stay with me- as you all say he is a parent and husband and life does get boring but hey ho that’s what marriage is and that’s the long game element to it.

He’s always been someone who moves jobs a lot and is quite into fads so I wonder if I should have been more aware of that.

OP posts:

FluffyCatBonzo · 02/10/2023 19:16

There is someone else and he is thinking about a new life. This is my experience with my ex H. I could have written your post word for word.

2anddone · 02/10/2023 19:25

Sorry @Overthehills40 it sounds like he is getting ready to launch into 'the script'.

My xh said exactly the same word for word 10 years ago and moved out a week later. I always said he had an affair and he (still now) refuses to admit it!

I found out 2 weeks ago that he was having an affair with someone 16 years younger than him who got cold feet once he left me and the children for her!

My xh followed the script word for word...you can find it in classics on this forum. Start getting your ducks in a row so you are ready if he decides to go!

Aikko · 02/10/2023 23:49

Purplecatshopaholic · 02/10/2023 18:11

I thought this as well.

All the best OP

Flip