Always in the dog house with family

[Dream246]

Wondering how everyone else would handle this situation...

Myself and partner have 2 small children, the youngest is only a few months old. We've always had a tricky relationship with his family as his mother is a narcissist and the dad has learnt her behaviour. Then there's my family, extremely difficult sister in law who can't stand me but refuses to tell me what I've done wrong so I have no relationship at all with my neice and nephew as she's blocking it. My brother is a Bury your head in the sand kind of person so hasn't done anything to help the situation at all. In general I seem to be the person that gets it in the neck whenever someone is having a bad day etc or inlaws get p'd off with us if god forbid we can't make a family event because we and or kids are ill. Myself and husband have always tried to peacefully resolve situations but I'm getting to the point where I want to lose my temper with them and tell them to back off!!

We're at a point where our family happiness is being trampled on to keep everyone else happy and yet we still manage to p*ss everyone off! What would you do in this situation?

Severely limit interactions with them, if not stop altogether. Can you do that, or are you somehow obliged to keep putting yourself in the firing line?

This.
They see your family as easy prey, probably because you are amiable. Stay out of their business, if they involve you say its nothing to do with me. Any more crap, limit interactions. The people who get less crap are those that don't take crap

Not really an obligation but more the fact that we've helped them create a great relationship with our kids. It's strange though as there was a huge row with partners family about a year ago so they definitely know when they push too hard which way it will go but yet they carry on pushing and pushing now as if it wouldn't happen again?!

I also really struggle with how it's done. Instead of actually saying they're not happy about something they do the whole silent treatment thing mixed with nasty, snide comments and then when they're done with peeing passed off they expect us to be ready to just get on with things as if nothing ever happened. But I'm always left sitting here like WTF?!

Why do you want your children to have a relationship with people like this? I know they're family, but that isn't an umbrella term for 'treat us badly and we'll stick around'. Is there any other reason you want your children to be around passive aggressive, manipulative, snidey people who treat you in a way that makes you really confused an uncomfortable?

To be honest I haven't wanted a relationship with them for a long time but it caused a huge issue in my marriage because my husband has had a lifetime of narcissistic manipulation that he still struggles to snap back now so I've kept it up for him really and for the kids to have a relationship with their grandparents.

Your mistake here has been to allow them to have a relationship with your kids for your H's and their supposed sake. If these people are too toxic for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids also. Give yourself a wobble!!!.

There is no reasoning with people this disordered of thinking; both of you are going to have to drop the rope here re them.

Your children do not have a relationship with their grandparents; these people use your children as a source of narcissistic supply. They will harm your children in not too dissimilar ways as to how your man has been harmed by them. The harm to them also could be done right in front of your very eyes; a look, a pinch, whispers etc. They could well go onto attempt to steal their heart and mind right from under your very nose by promising them all sorts of inducements like tuition, fees paid for college etc.

Your man needs therapy for his ongoing fear, obligation and guilt; his own inertia too when it comes to his parents hurts him as much as you. People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles; his is the scapegoat here and as such his family i.e you people are scapegoated as well.

Women like his mother cannot do relationships at all and always need a willing enabler to help them. That person here is his dad and he is a weak bystander of a man as well as her secondary abuser. The men in these women's lives are also often as narcissistic as they are. If they are not, they get discarded.

Narcissists and their willing enablers or fellow narcissists make for being deplorably bad grandparent figures. They can also play golden child/scapegoat with your kids also and it would not surprise me either if one of them was already more favoured.

Drop the rope his family of origin hold out to you all and have nothing further to do with them. If your man wants to continue to see his parents he can but that does not mean that you and your children have to meekly follow.

Goodness me, that was a fantastic response! It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with narcissists attila.

What you've written has definitely made me think about things that go on and that I find odd.

We tried once before to completely cut ties but we've got a lot of family extended friends who have no idea what they're actually like as they hide it amazingly well from people outside of the immediate family so we received a huge backlash from people about how awful it is that we've stopped all contact. So looking back, stupidly we let other peoplea opinions push us right back into the fold

@Dream246
You should consider distancing yourself from all of them. You might also need to do some introspection if you are having trouble with both sides of the family. It may be that you are doing something that contributes to the conflict.

That's definitely a fair point, thank you :)

You were got at by the flying monkeys. These are usually well meaning but often all too easily manipulated people often sent in by the narcissist to do their bidding for them. These people have their own agenda ie not your interests at heart so their opinion should be ignored.

The best thing to do with such families like your partners is to remove yourself completely from their orbit.