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Original poster

Family member gone very low contact

19 replies

Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 07:56

A family member has been quite erratic over the last few years and I think is pretty unhappy but blaming family rather than themselves for their life choices.

A lot of anger and quite a bit of lecturing has come my way for all the things I’ve failed to do or done wrong. I didn’t really want to engage in this as I feel their behaviour and treatment of me has been quite poor over the years. I think this has further angered and offended them - my reluctance to engage in an emotional way. I am sure they consider me cold whereas in fact I am quite distressed and saddened by the situation and it’s been one of the messes in my life that I most wish was different.

Anyway, traditionally we have always exchanged birthday and Christmas messages - so been low contact fairly successfully. But an invitation for a meet up resulted in angry ness on their part and long emotional messages.

I am feeling fairly reluctant to keep on with the low contact now as I don’t want to open up the channels of communication. But I think if I don’t send a birthday / Christmas message I am sending a strong message that it is totally terminal. We are related so it really can’t be terminal. We will meet again whether we plan it or not.

Any advice? It is such a sad situation but I really don’t think I can make it better.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:04

I'd send the message to show that lines of communication are open if they want them. I wouldn't have a meetup to expose myself to anger and lecturing. You're entitled to not want to be the punching bag for someone's issues.

And if you can't make it better you can at least avoid making it worse. It seems that whatever you do when you meet makes it worse, so I'd swerve that. If they ask why tell them as calmly and collectedly as you can.

Original poster
Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 08:05

Also I think I chose a bad title as we are both low contact with each other. However the angry outbursts comes from them not from me. And the level of contact has dwindled over the years mutually although first started by them (from a position of anger) and maintained by me (from a position of fearing an attack). Strong words but it’s true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 08:06

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:04

I'd send the message to show that lines of communication are open if they want them. I wouldn't have a meetup to expose myself to anger and lecturing. You're entitled to not want to be the punching bag for someone's issues.

And if you can't make it better you can at least avoid making it worse. It seems that whatever you do when you meet makes it worse, so I'd swerve that. If they ask why tell them as calmly and collectedly as you can.

Edited

Thank you.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:06

Do you get anything out of this relationship (apart from it being a relative?)

Original poster
Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 08:11

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:06

Do you get anything out of this relationship (apart from it being a relative?)

Edited

Not any more, no. The trust has completely gone. I suppose there is still that fondness of having known someone for a long, long time. But I don’t want things to be on an even worse footing as I will meet them at family events and they can be aggressive.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 08:14

Have you really looked into if youve consistently been rude or offended her? Its difficult to see our own faults when blinded by emotion.

Fran2023 · 02/10/2023 08:15

Your statement that they are *blaming family rather than themselves’, that they are ‘erratic’ and ‘pretty unhappy’ indicates to me that your relative is doing the right thing by going low contact.

What you have written suggests that you have little compassion or willingness to understand how and why they feel the way that they do. Don’t bother sending a card as it seems there is no real feeling for doing so, just a sense that they are related to you, you might meet them again and may be blamed for not being in touch.

I am willing to admit that this is based on a snapshot, but often those brief glimpses are very revealing. I will also disclose that I in my family of origin I was the one labelled as you seem to have done your own relative. I chose to walk away because of a lack of compassion and understanding, a pattern of being blamed, an unwillingness to discuss or admit our abusive childhood, and a distinct lack of respect for me. I am much better off out of that toxic atmosphere.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:16

Well....I'm old and have zero time for shit like this so I'd be letting them stew in their own rancour. DB cut off contact for years and I let him get on with it, figuring he'd be back at some point when he'd dealt with whatever or whoever it was (and he was, we're now talking).

Whatever issues this relative has, they are their's to deal with, not to inflict on you. If your conscience is clear about your part in the relationship, then just keep the channels open with messages and try not to respond to any angry rants. Hard and painful, I know, but tell yourself you owe it to your own peace of mind and mental equilibrium.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:17

What you have written suggests that you have little compassion or willingness to understand how and why they feel the way that they do

If someone has a problem with the OP then anger and lecturing isn't really the way to address them. OP had no obligation to subject herself to that.

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 08:18

Fran2023 · 02/10/2023 08:15

Your statement that they are *blaming family rather than themselves’, that they are ‘erratic’ and ‘pretty unhappy’ indicates to me that your relative is doing the right thing by going low contact.

What you have written suggests that you have little compassion or willingness to understand how and why they feel the way that they do. Don’t bother sending a card as it seems there is no real feeling for doing so, just a sense that they are related to you, you might meet them again and may be blamed for not being in touch.

I am willing to admit that this is based on a snapshot, but often those brief glimpses are very revealing. I will also disclose that I in my family of origin I was the one labelled as you seem to have done your own relative. I chose to walk away because of a lack of compassion and understanding, a pattern of being blamed, an unwillingness to discuss or admit our abusive childhood, and a distinct lack of respect for me. I am much better off out of that toxic atmosphere.

This allover

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 08:20

OP, you might want to post this in the Stately Homes thread. Loads of good advice there rather than 'what have YOU done to make them act like that?' comments.

Fran2023 · 02/10/2023 08:22

You have posted several times while I was writing my post. Including new information that they are ‘aggressive’.

My own experience is that unless the person is drunk or on certain drugs, or they have a serious personality disorder aggression comes from somewhere - often frustration and unresolved issues.

You describe yourself as the victim, which is pretty standard in certain types of toxic families. I have no idea what the context was, but it’s highly likely that there was a context and a set of triggers for that interaction. The way that you characterise it indicates to me that there is no where to go.
You need to walk away. For both your sakes.

Original poster
Parlourgames · 02/10/2023 08:22

Thanks for your replies.

those who are imagining I’m part of the toxic family - well I can see why your own experience might lead you to fill in the gaps here with your own experiences. I can’t go into it all. And I obviously can’t ask anyone to trust what I’ve written.

However, this really is someone else’s mess not mine. I’m just in the firing line because of my position as a family member and childhood connections.

OP posts:
GoodOldEmmaNess · 02/10/2023 08:22

Would it be possible for your next Christmas/irthday card to contain a very carefully worded statement of the fact that you feel warmly about this person and v sad about the history of difficulty between you, but also that you simply don't have the resources/stamina to revisit that past? I.e. could you ask, warmly, for a future-facing relationship?

It will be difficult to word that without expressing anger or blame in relation to their desire to revisit the past, especially since you seem (quite reasonably) to be very defensive and a little angry yourself. When I try to be conciliatory, I'm always afraid of conceding 'too much', so what starts as a genuinely compassionate statement shades away into excuses and (implicit or explicit) suggestions that, if I did anything wrong, the other person was responsible for my failings. That creates a danger of making things worse.

Short of that perfectly worded, almost impossible to write, white flag, it does sound like you would both benefit from talking things through in a safe and supervised context (eg with a relationship counsellor). Or persist with low/no-contact.

Fran2023 · 02/10/2023 08:25

Again, in a family, there is no such thing as one person being entirely responsible for conflict. There is always a history and a pattern. Families are complex and organic. You want advice - I’ve given it. Stay away.

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 08:29

Fran2023 · 02/10/2023 08:25

Again, in a family, there is no such thing as one person being entirely responsible for conflict. There is always a history and a pattern. Families are complex and organic. You want advice - I’ve given it. Stay away.

I agree.
If OP wants everyone to agree and not answer our questions such as have you looked at yourself to see if you are part of the problem...or are the problem..then this is just a reaffirming post.

mindutopia · 02/10/2023 09:34

Birthday and Christmas cards are for people you actually want in your life and are close to. If you aren't close, no need to send. I am NC with my family now, but when I was LC I definitely wasn't sending any cards and I told them not to either. Anything they sent just went in the bin. They were horrible to me and my children. I didn't want a bloody card from them. This person has expressed a wish not to have a relationship with you. You will see them at things presumably, that's unavoidable, it sounds. But sending cards always felt like them trying to impose on what was an otherwise happy time. Just leave them be and enjoy your time with your own family.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 02/10/2023 10:20

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 08:29

I agree.
If OP wants everyone to agree and not answer our questions such as have you looked at yourself to see if you are part of the problem...or are the problem..then this is just a reaffirming post.

Show quote history

This (like one or two others on this thread) is a horribly harsh post. You simply don't have enough information about the situation to post so dogmatically.

The OP hasn't said anything to merit such a judgemental stance.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/10/2023 14:53

This (like one or two others on this thread) is a horribly harsh post. You simply don't have enough information about the situation to post so dogmatically

Some people just love to make posters feel bad.

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