Boring partner - long post, cant sleep! Advice needed!

[bellabentley]

Long time lurker, first time poster... Apologies for this HUGE post but I need to get things off my chest as I am at breaking point and cant sleep

I am a 30 year old gay man been with my partner for 5 years now

I straddle the line between introvert and extrovert, meaning I love socializing and going out and having fun, but I also love having time on my own to watch my tv shows, and play the odd game on the playstation. In that respect, the relationship is good for those times when Im happy to sit on the sofa playing my game whilst he sits near by and does (well nothing really...) and enjoy my own company

We dont live together due to me being my fathers carer (end stage dementia) and finances so we see each other every weekend. Only I have noticed these last 2 ish years that we NEVER do anything unless I plan it, organise it, book it, or pay for it.

It was highlighted more to me because my best friend has been with his boyfriend for 2 years, and we as a pair of couples do things together but this is usually because me and my best friend organise something and invite our partners along. They have just moved house an hour away.

The reason this has become a bit of a 'shit' moment for me is that I realised that without the input of me and best friend organising etc, I can pretty much kiss goodbye to any form of planning with my OH as he literally does not have the ability to even hold a full conversation with me anymore, let alone think about planning something exciting for us to do.

If it wasn't for me organising and planning things, our weekends would literally be him coming to mine, sitting having a coffee whilst silently scrolling through social media, a forced trip out to the supermarket for dinner, cook dinner whilst he stays in the bedroom watching tv, eat in silence, go to bed, have quite frankly, boring sex, and then go to sleep. On the sunday, we seem to have developed a habit of laying in PJs until gone 12pm, and then not having enough time to do anything, before its time to 'settle in for the night' before he goes home.

He also has little to no ability to actually have a conversation - that doesn't involve work. Every night we call for an hour before bed, and 90% of the conversation is him moaning about his job, ranting about his boss, or telling me what his DM has been doing today. Occasionally we do talk about current affairs, the news etc ... but then all that conversation just depletes the minute I see him in person.

This weekend was a great example, arrived at my house at 3pm...apart from the pleasantries and saying hello to my father...we literally didn't talk for nearly 2 hours until he mumbled about being hungry... I try and engage in conversation, try ask him things to prompt a conversation but all I get is 1/2 word answers or "i dunno"

ITS INFURIATING.

When we do things with my bestfriend and his OH, he seems to be more chatty, active, interested. Its almost like he cannot function without somebody else guiding him and sort of 'forcing' him into being social/talkative.

I have also noticed that our sex life is pretty stale. Not to be too graphic but as I am sure some of you know when it's 2 men... theres always one who has to be the postbox, for context I don't mind doing either. However, I have not 'delivered' anything for nearly a year, as there is ALWAYS an excuse 'too tired for it' 'bellyache' 'ive got a sore behind' 'I'm not in the mood for it' - yet...he seems happy to be the mailman as obviously it requires no effort on his part

I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but he is the type of man who CANNOT take any form of criticism at all, he gets moody, snaps and just goes "yeah alright I get your point!!!" and then sulks. I bought up a situation during the late summer when it was gorgeous sunshine, literally all weekend, and we was up dressed on the sunday for 10am due to my fathers carers being in the house...

We sat inside until 2pm because we didnt have any plans, and his idea of a day out was "going to Matalan for a look around" ... raised this with him the other day as an example of how we wasted pretty much one of the last good summer days of the year by not planning or doing anything and he told me to "stop moaning that was weeks ago" - he failed to see what the point of me saying it was!

I am so sorry for this huge post, but I just need some advice/experiences/stories from others if they have every been in a situation like this before?

Currently I am my fathers carer with my mother, and I am under so much stress at the moment I dont know I can mentally undertake a breakup!

URGHHHHH!!!

Don't really have experience with this but from all I just read you both don't actually seem to be compatible at all. Sounds like you prefer to be out and enjoying life while he can't seem to do that without it being organised by anybody else but him. He doesn't really sound that bothered about your relationship tbh. I know it's really hard caring for someone the way you are for your dad but I'd really seriously either sit your partner down and have a frank discussion about everything you've said here, not letting him get away with cutting it off or seriously think about getting out of the relationship as it's clearly not making you happy at all. Sorry for the long reply but I really hope you figure it out 😊

I think you may find that breaking up is less stress than staying with someone who gives you no joy at all. You are young and unencumbered by children or financial ties- just let him go. There's a lot of enjoyment to be had in just being on your own and in charge of your own life.

Massive squishes @bellabentley it sounds crap. :/

Im just off to bed but didn’t want to read and run so in a nutshell - your relationship has run it’s course, run aground and the boat is beyond repair.

he’s not open to communication, sulks if you try, he doesn’t make any effort, you are just in a cycle of habit with seeing each other.

Frankly I’d rather be single and having some fun flirting, socialising and cracking on finding fun things to do than dragging the yawnfest around.

and - most of all - life is too short for shit sex…

Life’s too short for this, you’re young, just leave. He’s wasting your life.

Just do it. Break up with him, doesn't need to be a drama. He doesn't sound lively enough to make it a drama.

What is the rest of your life like? Work? Social life?

From what you have written I think the short term investment in a stressful period of upset is worth being free of this man, before it goes too far and you end up living with him or worse...married!

Do you honestly see a future with him? It sounds like you are settling.

A breakup doesn’t have to be mentally taxing: you don’t live together so there’s no admin to untangling your lives, and it doesn’t sound as though you’d lose a single positive benefit by ending things. Think of the time you’d gain not listening to him moan on the phone every night! Think of the sunny days you can take advantage of! He sounds like a fun sponge.

I agree that the relationship has run its course, but its difficult isn't it, you have a lot going on mentally and physically if you care for DP. Instead of making decision to break up atm, id start going out and doing things on my own (i did when my relationship started to go downhill) , similar situation, if i didn't organise plan we would never go out and i was bored. Join meetup and look for meets in your area. Xxx

Why are you staying with him? He doesn't seem to be making you happy on any score at all. If someone is so quiet and boring that it's infuriating for you, go find someone with a bit more oomph. It's not on him to change, he's being who he is, doing what he wants, and is allowed to do just that. You're complaining that he whinges, but that's essentially what you're doing. If you don't like your situation, take responsibility for yourself, and change it. Don't expect others to change to meet your needs, people weren't put here with the goal of making you happy.

He is putting zero effort in and you deserve more than that. End it. After the initial sadness you will feel better I suspect.

What is the point of this relationship?

Fwiw I think your relationship has run it’s course. Your dp obviously feels too comfortable around you (if that’s possible) because he has become complacent. For a relationship to function well, the two participants have to be contributing in equal measure. It doesn’t have to be in the same way exactly, but it needs to be equal
effort and input.

I always think it’s best if you find a partner who matches your own energy levels. Some people come from homes where the energy levels were low and they didn’t do much except sit around and so that becomes normal to them, but you are only young yet op, and although it’s great you are helping your mum with your father’s care, your life is already curtailed a little, so you need someone who isn’t dragging you down on top of that.

You never know, you may be doing your dp a favour by splitting up with him as it doesn’t sound as if he is particularly happy either! And if your chemistry together is wrong he will probably realise after a while that splitting up was the right thing to do.

I think you should take a break from each other. Go out and see what you’re missing…he sounds pretty lazy tbh

Oh lord next time I’m having sex I’m going to have the thought I’m the postbox in my head…. Love it 💕💕…

Your “relationship” sounds tedious… why why why are you still with him you sound like you want to live your life and have fun. He’s a bit of a freeloader ….with you he gets dates planned and paid for, dinner and sex and he has to do NOTHING for it… why are you putting up with this ? He is not worth it

You don't even have to line up your ducks as you don't live together/joint finances. He brings no joy to your life. Just end it!

It sounds like your relationship has run its course. I think you would find it liberating to split up. You could live another 60-70 years. Is this who you want to spend your life with?

@PivotPivotmakingmargaritas - us women, eh - always the postbox, never the postman 🤣!!!

Having lived a sheltered life I'd often wondered how this issue was negotiated. Every day is a school day.

I am sorry to say he does sound like a absolute passenger in the relationship.

Nothing is driven by him, nothing is contributed by him.

There no pros only cons in this one.

I understand the status quo looks good when you feel like there is not one single other thing you can bare to take on, a break up being one of them - but if you stick to the status quo.... you also become a passenger and everything just rolls on.

Oh gosh this sounds horrible.
Being the organiser in a relationship where its as one sided as this will only build resentment and a lot of wasted years until you finally break up.

Dump this one! All of those shit 'qualities' and to top it off, absolute shite sex. Life is too damn short for this.

Now, plan something FOR YOU this coming Saturday 🙂

Hey, OP, don't settle for being the postbox in your own life.

Go , deliver.

Oh OP! I’m sorry - this all sounds super stressful in the context of your father’s declining health. But I think, from how you write, that you know that this has run its course + this man isn’t going to suddenly shape up to be a fun, caring partner.

the idea of a break up is almost always worse than the reality. You’ve got this!

I think you're in a rut. Putting it simply you're not sounding happy, fulfilled or motivated. My partner is a little boring, routine but very stable, reliable, kind and is my rock. I need that but you sound like you need a partner who is motivated to have more interest in life and also do some caring for you. I feel for you, it's too early in life for this set up for you. You sound really insightful so don't be afraid of ending things and taking a new direction. This time in a month you could be feeling more positive and full of relief.

Hmm...if you've not been the mailman for a year, why does he have a sore bum as an excuse? Could there be someone else? Or are haemorrhoids an issue - kind of wonder how people would manage things with them?
Does the reason matter though? If not getting any joy out of it, you might as well move on.