AIBU or not?

[Maybeitsmee]

Me, DP, 18 month old DS.

Both work full time. I WFH and DP works out of the home, he leaves at 6am and gets home at 6pm. He also often chooses to work Saturday and is out from roughly 6am to 2pm.

I obviously do all the weekday mornings with DS, and all of the nursery pick up and drop offs. DP does bath time when he's home, and is usually awake on weekend mornings if he's not working so he will get DS when he wakes up.

I get that he's tired because he gets up early each day, but he's in bed by 8pm and asleep by 9.30 so he's getting a solid 8 hours.... and as I work from home and don't have a commute. I take on 95% of the housework, laundry, life admin, and 100% of the cooking to try to make life less tiring for him. I encourage him to make time to see friends, to exercise, have some time to himself - all with the aim of improving his quality of life etc.

It absolutely enrages me that he consistently every single day leaves drawers and cupboards wide open, clothes on the floor, toiletries lying around the KITCHEN (yes the kitchen not the bathroom), just generally doesn't pick up after himself no matter how many times I mention it.

He leaves his clean laundry (which I've washed, dried and folded) just sitting in a heap in the spare room for over a week and it just gets added to daily until I have to say "can you put your laundry away?".

He does nothing to try to improve his energy levels either. As mentioned I've suggested making time for more regular exercise, I cook home cooked meals but he chooses to eat junk food and fast food during the day so then he's not hungry in the evening.

Off to bed at 8pm, crashes out by 9pm and and cycle starts all over again.

AIBU to be fed up with it?

If so any ideas on how to improve?

Oh and also for anyone reading, if it's at all relevant, we both earn fairly equal amounts, and we split all the household bills 50/50.

No you're not

Stop picking up after him. Washing for him etc

Have a serious discussion about how you feel.

If he doesn't listen, things don't change. Put up and shut up or move on.

Not as simple as that I know, but generally it is.

You decide how you like to be treated. You have a choice. Sometimes (like with my previous situation) the choice you need to make is not often the easy one.

Do you want to go through life like this?

I had 2 kids too

Tell him that if he can't be bothered to pick up after himself then you're going to hire a cleaner, who he has to pay for. Remind him that you're not his servant and to stop treating you as such.

This would make me insane. You’re doing the bulk of childcare and house work and he’s making things harder rather than better!
you need to work out some chores that he has responsibility for and you also need to stop picking up after him constantly. He’s a grown man he should know where laundry goes and to shut cupboards.
i would be telling him how hurt you are that he doesn’t have the basic courtesy to try and keep communal areas tidy.
i would be leaving him alone about exercise/food though-he is a grown up and can eat what he wants through the day.
make sure you get some time to see friends/exercise too though it’s not all about making his life easier…you’re meant to be a team x

@merrymelodies without wanting to drip feed, I actually hired a cleaner a few months ago and pay for from our joint account. She comes once a fortnight and this was purely to alleviate some of the resentment I was beginning to feel about the division of household chores (100% cleaning the bathrooms which I despise 🤣)

@Tiredchicken I like your phrasing about having the courtesy to keep common areas tidy. I know it's about building good habits into daily routine which is hard if you're not used to doing it but honestly these things take 2 seconds don't they?

One of the infuriating things used to be not screwing lids back onto things properly (bottles of squash etc), after a lot of nagging this one actually changed so perhaps there's still hope for everything else.

I take on 95% of the housework, laundry, life admin, and 100% of the cooking to try to make life less tiring for him. I encourage him to make time to see friends, to exercise, have some time to himself - all with the aim of improving his quality of life etc

And this is what you get. Piss taking.

Stop trying to improve his quality of life. His quality of life is just fine. Start prioritising your quality of life.

I just think he needs to evaluate his attitude to you…you’re not his mum.
if He lived with a flat mate would he leave cupboard doors open/stuff lying about?
he should be being AS thoughtful if not more for his romantic partner…
constantly picking up after the other person just breeds resentment!

i listened to an interesting audio book about relationships and it said instead of phrasing things where you assume what they’re feeling eg.
”you’re disrespecting me” you should always come from how you’re feeling as that’s what you know. You don’t know their intentions so…
”when you leave the cupboards open, I feel unvalues/upset”
So it’s not confrontation..and starting with shackles up. You’re stating how you feel which is just what you feel and then you listen to their perspective but they can’t argue you don’t feel what you feel if that makes any sense?!

Sorry. Not trying to be horrible, just trying to get you to realise your situation,

You are a fool!

I say this because I was once a fool too.

@Lucious1000 no offence taken. I'm stewing on it all and I definitely do feel a fool.

I often question whether my expectations are too high but it genuinely isn't hard to simply go to work, come home and tidy up after yourself then fall asleep by 9pm is it

I was made to feel guilty in my relationship. I was far from perfect, but I took in a woman with issues. A step son who stole crime everyone including my children and an autistic boy plus a difficult ex husband.

I did a lot, just like it seems you are. Just like me you just get in with it until you realise the balance is out of sorts.

Don't be a fool. Maybe you can talk and things will change, but it looks like a change is needed for your mental health and your self esteem.

He will blame, deflect. Make you feel bad and guilty but you need to realise what you deserve as a person. It's not this....

You're not a fool, OP. Just taken for granted. Time for a very serious chat with your OH. Tell him exactly what you've told us. If he cares, he'll change. If he doesn't, walk out.

@merrymelodies thank you. I think taking for granted is the right phrasing definitely. I'll speak to him today.