Have you/would you ever call a narcissist out and tell them what you think of their behaviour

[Shefliesonherownwings]

I’m NC with my dad and have been for almost 4 years. He’s always been a narcissist and we’ve had an up and down relationship. He said and did some unforgivable things and I think went NC. Since that time he’s sent me abusive messages to which I haven’t responded. My mum and him are still together so my relationship with her is strained and he’s stopped her from coming to see us and she can only contact me when he’s not around. She didn’t meet DS1 until he was 2 and she’s not met DS2 who is 5 months. She only lives 30 mins away. I’m quite bitter about this.

A few months ago he was very ill and I did reach out and say I was sorry to hear he was unwell and hoped he felt better soon. My mum put the pressure on me to message him basically. We exchanged a few messages but he then reverted to type with passive aggressive messages and guilt trips so I went NC again.

I am now pretty unwell and in hospital with an infection. Feeling rubbish, missing my kids and my dad has messaged me. The first message was just to say he was sorry I was unwell and hoped I felt better. I didn’t reply. This morning I’ve had another basically saying he’s walking on eggshells with me, he’s been on deaths door, he knows I’m unwell and have two kids to look after but he’s going to ring me at 4pm on Monday which is his birthday. If I don’t answer he wants me to have more contact with mum as she has no support blah blah blah.

Honestly, I just burst into tears reading that second message. I’m so fed up of this crap from him. I just want to be left alone, I don’t want to speak to him or have a relationship. I won’t be answering on Monday. I can’t have more contact with my mum because of him, it’s ridiculous. I really want to respond and just tell him exactly what I think of him and how he’s made me feel over the past 4 years. I’ve no siblings or extended family so I’ve basically lost my family.

I know I won’t get a response that is apologetic or conciliatory, I’m not expecting that. I just want to get it off my chest and for someone to actually call him out for once. I’ve taken the high ground for so long and I’m just done with biting my tongue. My only hesitation is the effect on my already tenuous relationship with my mum. She sees my side but just wants us to reconcile.

Has anyone really called a narcissist out? I know I won’t get any reasonable response, probably just a load of abuse, but i’m wondering if it would just make me feel better.

I can see why you would be tempted, it could be cathartic to really let rip. However I think if you do you need to be prepared to block all his communication with you and go hardcore with the NC. Otherwise you’ll just be inviting a load of drama. As you say it won’t make any difference to his behaviour so also make sure you don’t have any expectations from sending a message like that to him.

Your mother is her husband’s willing enabler and as such cannot be relied upon either. She wants you to reconcile with her husband, your abuser. Ask yourself why she wants you to reconcile with such a man, it’s also because she does not want to hold up to a mirror to her behaviour. She is acting in her own self interest here, not your interest at all. She has and will continue to throw under the bus. In a straight fight she would choose him over you, perhaps saying something like do not criticise my choice of man.

As tempting as it is to send a response, no response from you is more powerful here. Maintain radio silence. Any response you send keeps the door of communication open, a door you really want to keep closed. Also any response, no matter how carefully worded, will be seen by them as an attack on them and will act accordingly. You cannot reason with people this disordered of thinking so do not try.

Ir is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist so I would block all their ways of them being able to contact you. Have a read and or post on the current Well we took you to Stately homes thread on these Relationships pages. Drop the rope here along with any and all residual hope that either will change or say sorry. Such people do not apologise nor do they accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your mother is a wimp and spineless.
I wouldn't speak with him. I'd ho NC

You don't want a relationship with him so don't. You know there is nothing good that will come of it. Unfortunately your Mother is his accomplice. She has put him first and this is something you will need to navigate and accept. She has allowed herself to be dominated by him to the detriment of her relationship with her daughter. My Father has been the same all my life and a few years ago I cut all contact with both my parents. My Mother would throw her own children under a bus to save her own skin. I never had it out with them or tried to tell them what I thought of them. Silence has been so much more effective.

Thanks all, I appreciate the views and you do all talk sense, I just have such a strong feeling of wanting to give him what for. I typed out a message to send him but I haven’t sent it.

I did however message my mum and tell her I was fed up with these messages and I just want to be left alone. I said I wanted to message him to tell him that and I was sorry she’d probably get the backlash. I know she enables and prioritises him but I still feel a sense of protection towards her. I also told her it’s breaking my heart that she still hasn’t met DS2.

Her responses have devastated me. She clearly can’t support me at all. Just saying that she doesn’t want things to be worse between dad and I, and can’t I just say I’m too ill to speak and wish him a happy birthday. I told her a few home truths about how I wished she’d stand up to him and just come and see us and put me first. Her response was dad thinks things are getting better and she wants to keep that pretence going and she would come to see us but again couldn’t I just message happy birthday blah, blah, blah. I told her I should never have messaged her about this, she obviously can’t support me as dads her priority and she has no idea how painful this is for me.

I’ve known she prioritises him but when I message her and tell her this is so painful and I’ve been in tears all day, and she still can’t support me, it’s devastating. I’m laid here crying because it’s clear she can’t be part of our lives and I’m so sad for me and my boys. I feel so let down by her. I can’t imagine treating my kids this way.

NC with both is the best way forward. Anything you tell them, verbally or in writing, will be used against you later. Are there any other family members aligned with them? Cut them off, too.

They are both problematic. This isn't just a crappy dad issue.

Don’t do it. Narcissists almost universally believe that they are right and everyone else is wrong. It will make you feel worse because he won’t respond in any way that acknowledges anything, he will most likely just be cold and dismissive.

I am on the fence with this because I don't know what transpired between you and your dad. However, unless I feel my husband has done something unforgivable to my kids, I would be on his side. We are a pair and come together

I can't imagine anything good will come of responding OP, however tempting it is.

I’ve had another message from my mum asking me not to message dad as she thinks it will give him a heart attack. I’ve decided I won’t say anything to him. He is unwell and although I’m not convinced he would have a heart attack I won’t risk that. I’m going to leave it but I think I’m also done with her. I know that what my dad did to me when I cut contact is unforgivable, I’ve posted about it here before, I’m not repeating it again. If my DH did what my dad did, I wouldn’t be siding with him. It’s sad as I have no other family in this country but I guess it best to have none than the kind that makes me feel like this.

He's using your mum as a flying monkey as well as being a twat with you.

As the daughter of a particularly vindictive malignant narcissist, I wouldn’t bother sending him the message giving him what for. These arseholes cannot and will not see any wrongdoing in their behaviour and most likely they will turn it all back on you. I tried that once and it resulted in a vicious take down of every aspect of my being - my personality, weight, looks and lifestyle choices. I’m completely no contact with my so called father now as a result and will never rekindle it. He can rot.

I did with my wife, didn't call her one but I basically called out the behavior, my concerns and I wasn't going to be manipulated anymore. The end result was I became enemy number one, she took everything we owned, is withholding the children and is trying to destroy me.

I hazard a guess that may have happened anyway and I sped up the timeline on that but if I was you, I wouldn't bother. Never wrong, you'll get scapegoated.