what do I do?! quite long rant, sorry

[badnightagain]

DH is generally great, lovely dad, supportive dh, helps out loads with kids and and home, is generous, intelligent, has a good job, nice to his mum ... and so on

but when he goes out for a drink (which isn't all that often or anything with 2 little dcs) he without fail gets so drunk that he passes out on the train home and arrives at 5am. He always says he'll be home by midnight or something and then never shows. Every time, I worry, I don't sleep, (my problem I'm sure) , ask him to please at least ring and tell me what's going on and he just says he's sorry and it won't happen again. He has even been known to bring flowers ... which goes down well as you can imagine.

Last night he did it again, said he'd been home at midnight then didn;t call, or respond to my calls, text or anything until 5.30am, when he realised had passed out on the train. This wouldn't be so bad but our baby dd has been in and out of hospital all week and may well have had to go back in the night - which would have meant bringing ds (2) with me. We'd talked about this before, I said he really needed to come home and be reasonably sober, he said of course he would. He finally arrived home at 7am, had a shower and went back to work.

I've had no sleep, worried, plotted and looked after dd all night.

I just don't think this should happen if he has any respect for me - am descending into AIBU - but how can I get him to understand? It's as if as soon as he starts drinking we don't exist. I don't want to walk out or anything, just get him to see my side of this.

OOoooooohhhhh this would call for a 24 hour disappearing act from me - give him a aste of his own medicine - well maybe not 24 hours but go out with mates and then stay round one of their houses and don;t take his calls etc and then breeze in in the morning and regard his panic with the same disdai tha he does yours!

Childish I know but XH used to do this and nothing got through to him until I went on the missing list - paranoid twat was more worried that I was shagging someone else than I was dead in the gutter somewhere but did make him think for about a week that his behaviour wasn't acceptable!

I really wanted to do just that but I can't really with dd being ill. Also don't really want to drag any of our friends into it if I can avoid it.

I tried to make him stay out again tonight to have a break but he refused. I just can't believe he's done this, when he texted about five times when I was at the hospital with dd with phone switched off.

Now am dealing with two under threes having had no sleep at all - lovely.

He just kept saying 'look, I'm sorry, ok?' as if that should be an end to it, like a petulant teenager, this morning.

Ive had this in the past too - and i do think the only way to get him to see is to give him some of his own medicine (but bewaree if he is not bothered it wont work).

I thought the trains were checked now to see if anyone was still on them - i think it is for security reasons now. Do you have anything else to worry about?

If it is not a problem why does he not book into a hotel instead of trying to come home.

The trouble is he wont see how much it is worrying you unless you make it a deal-breaker.

Hope you manage to get some rest today.

I always suggest he stays with friends but he always thinks he;ll be home at a reasonable time so says no. And then he shows up in the morning.

Last night was different because of needing back up in case I had to take dd to hospital again.

Last time I did disappear, not overnight but made sure I was out with the kids when he got home, didn't reply to his calls etc all day and showed up past their bedtime. He didn't think I was going to come home and he was worried about that - but that doesn't seem to last to the next time. Once he's drinking he's drinking, in a middle class binge drinking kind of way. Should add he's in his mid-30s so really should know better.

sorry only just picked up what you meant - I don't think there's anyone else involved but I did worry this might be the case in the night. He tends to get woken up at the end of the line and then waits for the next train and then goes to sleep again and then the whole thing starts again - in the past he's been known to contact me when this has happened and I've heard station/ train noises in the background!

If i knew i was going to pass out on the train (track record demonstrating that this is an infallible tendency)I'd stay at a friends rather than sleep on a train. I'd be worried if I were you.

he always seems to really believe he will control how much he's drinking and so doesn't think he needs to and says he'd rather be home with us, then this happens.