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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend cheating on me?

22 replies

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 16:03

Could it be possible that my boyfriend has moved away?

Here's the context: He was friends with a girl who was his close friends girlfriend. He knew her since 2019. However, the boyfriend moved away to Middle East, started seeing an Arab girl and they broke up.

My boyfriend and this girl started hanging out more frequently and while I didnt see my boyfriend touching her (he would pat her on the shoulder) , she had started to touch him. She would touch his hair, his arm and hug him frequently. I had also saw her staring at him a few times. As far as I know, she had tried to tell him that she wanted to be with him but he became incredibly distant and irritable with her. But regardless they remained friends and I had seen her introducing him to her friends, saying things like "You ve met Romaine". I didn't see them kissing but she would be the first to come and hug him even if he didn't.

I'm currently in Switzerland for my fieldwork so I moved away I'm July and he has been visiting and we spoke a lot on the phone. However, I had noticed that he was awake a lot of the times at 1 am or 3 am.

She had enrolled in a master's program in her home country (Netherlands), quit her job in August to start her course in September. Around the same time, my boyfriend oddly disappeared from his campus during the first two weeks of September. He returned in mid-September, claiming he was traveling and only arrived in London for some important engagements. Although people saw him for a few days, he cleared out much of his desk, took his bags, and returned several books to the library. Afterward, he was not seen on campus again. Interestingly, his desk remained largely unchanged, except for signs that his keyboard and chair had been used. When I checked his desk on my return to the main campus. I had given him a huge bag that he kept next to his desk and that was also gone and a friend who sits in the same room said he took it after he returned.

His WhatsApp activity has also significantly decreased, with him being online only 1 or 2 times on some days, while on other days, he was frequently online. Once he was gone 24 hours and even though I texted him several times, he didn't reply. He replied the next day claiming he was writing his thesis but he ISNT on campus. So where is he writing?

He was also sporadically active on Teams. To add to the intrigue, just before his return to London, he had suddenly deleted me or hid his last seen on Whatsapp. I know this because only his contacts can see his last seen. When i called him out, he reopened his last seen but it was definitely gone.

He never told me he is going somewhere nor did he say where he was travelling.

Given these circumstances, does it raise the question of whether he has indeed moved away to be with her?

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 16:06

The circumstances are an irrelevant bunch of detail. If you can't ask your partner for reassurance re fidelity, and get it to your satisfaction, your relationship is unhealthy and you have to get out, because you can't fix it without him on board.

Why are you asking us and not him?

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 16:12

If I could ask him and he would give a straight reply I wouldn't be asking here. I already wrote that

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 16:14

If you can't ask him and get a straight reply, you'll never be happy with him, unless you like partners who don't answer important questions with a straight reply.

You're over complicating this process. If you have a problem in your relationship and can't talk it through with your partner to a satisfactory conclusion for you both, you have no relationship.

That's regardless of the fact that you don't trust him.

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 16:24

Well can you at least tell that you think what I'm thinking is right about him moving away to be with her?

OP posts:
IamSmarticus · 01/10/2023 18:04

It's a very odd relationship if you have no idea where your boyfriend is. Whether or not he has moved away with this person, I would say that your relationship is over.

Watchkeys · 01/10/2023 18:32

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 16:24

Well can you at least tell that you think what I'm thinking is right about him moving away to be with her?

Yes, you're definitely right. He's moved away to be with her, and your relationship with him is over.

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 18:40

How are you so sure?

OP posts:
Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 18:41

I have left message but he was online at 0.01 tonight and replied to me saying he was tired and has not logged in whatsapp since then. So what can I do in this?

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 18:48

If you're smart enough to be doing fieldwork in another country, presumably at uni, you are too smart to hitch yourself to this silly manipulative little man. He won't give you a straight answer to a straight question- that should tell you everything you need to know about him.

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 19:00

Yes I know but I just want to know if my assumptions are correct or am I reaching ? I don't to falsely accuse him of anything

OP posts:
CirceIsMyHomegirl · 01/10/2023 19:04

No one here can help you.

GoodO · 01/10/2023 19:08

OP, I’m sorry, he’s just not that into you. Regardless of whether he’s with her or not he clearly wants out of whatever he has with you.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, but just move on. He’s being a coward and not breaking up with you, because he thinks by pushing you that you will break up with him. Do everyone in this scenario a favour and stop chasing him. It’s over. Try to retain some dignity in this.

muchalover · 01/10/2023 19:11

If you don't know and you are in a relationship with him I'm not sure a group of strange women on the internet can know.

This is kindly meant but realistically you have your answer you currently don't wish to see it, but you will eventually. And likely rue the additional time you wasted on him.

MsDogLady · 01/10/2023 19:13

Yes, I think they are now in a relationship. Regardless, he has essentially ghosted you without showing an ounce of respect or responsibility by officially ending things in a decent manner.

@Moonwalker31233243, he’s done you a huge favor by showing his true colors as an uncaring, untrustworthy person.

Moonwalker31233243 · 01/10/2023 19:14

@MsDogLady OK but how can you say that he's in a relationship? I'm speculating but without evidence I don't want accuse

OP posts:
MrSand · 01/10/2023 19:22

What's the point of accusing him of anything? He's not into you, walk away now with your dignity somewhat intact and never contact him again.

PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 19:24

I don't really understand why you think you need "evidence ". You're not prosecuting a murder trial, you're dumping a flaky boyfriend. You don't actually need any "evidence " at all.

Tigger1895 · 01/10/2023 19:28

What do you want people to say? Basically everyone has told you that the relationship is over but you keep coming back asking for reasons. Reread your initial message and you will have your answer

anybloodyname · 01/10/2023 19:29

I think what you are missing is that none of us know the situation but if you are ever in a relationship where this much uncertainty and drama is causing you to think your supposed partner has moved away to another woman then it's over

No relationship should be this hard

HowAmYa · 01/10/2023 19:29

Sorry OP but you're asking a bunch of strangers for answers to questions that we don't have answers to.

You can either call him and confront and ask where he is and why he's lied about his whereabouts or you can just block and move on.

It BAFFLES me so much that you don't know what city he's in let alone country.

This isn't a relationship. Sorry to be blunt. You deserve so much better than whatever absolute trunk of mind fuckery this is

GoodO · 01/10/2023 23:50

Does it matter if he is or isn’t with her? You have no right to accuse him of anything even if he has left you for her. You’re not together and he owes you nothing. Move on.

bygollie · 02/10/2023 00:42

I really do feel for you, it's a terrible situation to be in. The best thing for you to do is just leave it. Why put in some much emotional effort (checking his last seen, whether his desk was used etc) if he has checked out. People who want to be in a relationship with someone don't disappear for a couple of weeks and say they were travelling. My advice would be to forget about him, take a breather and wait for the right person to enter your life!

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