Husband not coping- guilt

[Noideawhattochoose]

I’ve been speaking to my husband about possible separation for a month now. He’s totally blindsided, keeps crying and says I’d be smashed the future he has always thought he would have.

I can understand this- he’s a lovely man and has done nothing wrong. He’s just not right for me and I can’t carry on any more.

The guilt is horrific and it’s all I can think about. Has anyone else had this and what did you do?

Do not be blackmailed. You want to move on, so do it.

you're not responsible for his future plans - if you don't love him the you don't love him. Crying and blaming you for his unhappiness won't change anything. Even if you were to stay you would still not love him, so either way he's going to be crying

I can't give you any advice, because I am having the same conversations repeatedly with my DH - the first one was at the start of 2021. There were tears on both sides during that one but it is clear that our relationship has just come to an end. No one's fault.

The most recent conversation ended with us saying we would try and make an effort to reconnect. But as before, nothing has happened.

My situation is not straightforward for various reasons and we also have 3 teenage children.

I do want us to separate, but I don't want to disrupt the children's lives. But if something doesn't get put in motion, I will be saying the same thing in 5 years time - we're already nearly 3 years from the first conversation!

So I understand what you're saying about the guilt because, as with your DH, mine has done nothing wrong. But we are basically co-habitees and nothing more.

I think the guilt is just one of the things you're going to have to feel as you do what you need to.

I try to think of feelings in a 'catch and release' sense. So I feel guilty, recognise it, and I know at some point I'll be able to let it just pass by.

It doesn't always work 😁 but it can be useful for not letting feelings overtake your decision making. And if he's not right for you, you both deserve better.

I am also house mates with my DH. We sleep in separate rooms. I’ve twice had the conversation that I don’t love him and want to end it, both times he’s said he’ll change. He hasn’t.
I’m only here as he pays the bills and is company.

It will be a bereavement type of experience for him as he is losing the future he thought he had with you. I’d encourage him to go to his GP and ask for a referral to talk to a counsellor about his distress. Relationship breakdowns can cause depression.

You shouldn’t feel guilty because you are doing the right thing. That doesn’t mean ignore how painful this is for your partner though. I know you don’t love him any more, but a bit of caring and support to get him to the other side might be feasible since the relationship wasn’t abusive/he didn’t do anything wrong/is a lovely man as you’ve said.

He needs someone else to support him through his grief, it can't be you obviously. Ideally you should stop living together as soon as possible too.

I don't think you can avoid guilt here, doesn't make it wrong though.