mediation when divorcing abusing/manipulative spouse

[LidiaV]

Dear All,

I was wondering whether anyone could provide contacts of a good mediator/solicitor with experience dealing with divorce involving manipulative spouse? Although I am aware that mediation is not recommended in cases of psychological abuse involving relationships, applying for court order seems very risky and unaffordable for me.

Any help/advice would be very much appreciated.

Lidia

It’s not recommended because it gives the abuser a different platform through which to abuse. Instead of addressing the task in hand, splitting assets and agreeing co parenting, the abuser will attack their victim.

In addition and of course because of that you don’t resolve anything and are headed directly to court. Where of course the abuser starts bleating on about why they weren’t given the opportunity to resolve everything in mediation.

Get a good lawyer who deals with difficult divorces. You will need a strategy not a tick box approach. He is going to delay completing forms. He is going to try to contact you directly. He is going to try to goad you with daft offers and demands.

You can divorce him yourself. The online forms are very easy to do and will save you a fortune. Just make sure the financials are agreed and court stamped before you apply for the absolute/final.

In my area there are only two court mediators so that might retrict your choice anyway. There's a link on this general CAB link on how to find one near you. If a mediator thinks they cannot help you due to abuse/manipulation they will write a letter to court saying that you will not benefit from mediation.

I highly recommend seeing a solicitor for a one off chat to find out roughly what you can do yourself regarding the process, and what you might be entitled to. Good luck.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/how-to-separate1/mediation-to-help-you-separate/

Listen to Karin Walker & Supriya McKenna’s podcast on Divorcing a Narcissist especially the episode on Hybrid Mediation

Dear all,

many thanks. The major issues are childcare related it would not be easy to stand my case on my own,, I am so scared of him even when we talk to each other , cannot imaging going to court... he is full of threats and is quite capable of presenting things in the light that is favorable for him, so very risky and not affordable financially. He has been threatening to present me as uncapable parent to prevent me from divorcing. Indeed he could sabotage the process, but Now may be a right moment to move things forward as we need to move due to job situation, so we have to sell the house and I will have an opportunity to put my own pressure on him.

I visited two solicitors-- one is suggesting to go directly with the court order and another one says that mediation is better since court procedure is not ideal and many lawyers are not very emotionally involved and don't care what decision is made which makes it even more scary. I am not sure which way to go. would be good to agree with him and we can't agree about anything on a daily basis even with the help of the family psychologist. In fact he does the opposite of what I would expect after those sessions