Why is it so hard to leave and start over?

[Mudstixx]

I am nearly 50, two teens, husband who has had many, many issues and we’ve tried to resolve…I now just feel numb. And stuck.

I’m on HRT, on medication for depression, trying to do everything I can to calve out time for me. Solo hols, time with friends, getting fit. But I still feel awful and lonely. If I leave, I will probably be even more unhappy as I cannot move into a house that I can afford, rent is just as high. I’m stuck living with him until teens leave home. I’m really not even sure it’s him that’s the problem, I have too high expectations that he couldn’t achieve and I caused him drama due to my demands. That’s what he says.

I know I sound so woe is me, I know lots of people have it far worse. I won’t post the stuff he has done as it will become about his issues again. I just want to feel happier like I used to without feeling empty and like my life is over. Nothing feels like it works and yet I have so much to live for. I’m not going to do anything stupid, I’m in therapy. I just feel blurrghh and stuck.

if you are still reading, I hope I haven’t spoiled your morning!

just need some insights and advice to give me hope. I feel so frustrated and yet spoilt, I’ve worked in places where I know my priveledge yet I still feel awful and ungrateful.

Please can someone reply if only to tell me to get a grip! Am I just being a victim?

It is fear of the unknown, and self doubt that is keeping you stuck.
Familiarity, no matter how bad it is feels more comfortable than change.
This is why so many women with abusive partners stay.
Have a look on YouTube at Green Renaissance videos, these short ten minute videos are priceless in my opinion and so many comments from viewers saying much better than therapy.
I have lived alone with my two sons the past ten years, we live a calm, happy, peaceful way of life. It is very freeing in that l don't have to deal with another adults issues and to just focus on my sons and myself.
Your husband's comments regarding high expectations are very telling.

It's not ungrateful to want to be happy OP.

Thank you for your replies. I do feel ungrateful and that I would make everything ten times worse for my children and me. I spoke to a solicitor, she gave me the cold hard facts about accommodation and current housing crisis. I’ve checked what I could rent or afford to buy, it would be in a different area that would impact teens schooling. One teen has said if we split, I’d ruin their life as she knows friends who have been impacted by parental separation.

it’s not just us splitting, I am doing stuff away from him now and ‘be single’ as best as I can in this terrible marriage. I’m trying to carve out time socially and to get healthy whilst going through the menopause, I’m still menstruating even though I’m on HRT. The antidepressants are recent and I just feel empty and awful. I’m doing everything I can and my mind still feels like shit and life is awful. I don’t know why!

I’m sorry for this woe is me crap!

I suppose my post sounded self indulgent😰

I went through a stage of menopause when I felt so miserable but knew I had a lot to be grateful for. I was already on antidepressants.

As time went on and basically as my mind set changed I realised more and more it was my marriage that was making me unhappy.

I then went to a therapist who validated my feelings and I then saw that there had been red flags in my relationship from the beginning. I had got so used to being told I was the one at fault, I never questioned it. Therapy changed that.

Maybe you need to accept you won’t be truly happy until you leave your marriage. It sounds like you are prepared to wait it out until your kids leave home. You are doing the right things now re having a life outside your marriage.

Perhaps you should prepare for your eventual divorce. I thought I could endure, but then suddenly I couldn’t. My Dd was already an adult by then.

My menopause changed me fundamentally. I think my nurturing instinct diminished and I was no longer willing to nurture my husband when he only cared about himself.

So helpful @Isheabastard , I have to play the waiting game due to my children/ loss of financial security constantly ringing in my ears. I have to endure this. Was it hard when you left him? Mine is increasingly self centred and selfish which is why I have to do my own thing….my need to nurture has all but evaporated for him, only our kids keep me here😰.

You don't sound at all self indulgent. You are someone who is unhappy and struggling to do your best for your family and yourself. Are your teenage children young teens or are they close to becoming young adults?

Hi @ElizabethanAgain one DD is 17 and other is 14, separation still feels way off due to the youngest.

I’ve looked online at flats/ houses today and there’s nothing really in my region to buy or rent that I can afford. DH doing his own thing today and I’ve spent most of today feeling crap and unmotivated.

If it's a terrible marriage then it certainly isn't woe is me.

I'm just getting out an awful marriage too. Violent and adulterous ex. The dcs and I definitely face hard financial times together but I think it'll be worth it.

So are you very worried about the financial prospects of singledom?

Does your h have any idea this is what you want?

@Mudstixx Yes and no. I finally said I was unhappy and wanted relationship counselling. He said ‘fuck off and get a divorce’.

So we settled on divorce pretty quickly. But I had made no plans and we ended up living ‘separately’ in the family home. It was awful because he still felt he had the right to harangue me at all times. We are due a 50/50 split which my stbxh still can’t get his head around. The last six months have been better as I’ve moved into a temporary cheap furnished rental while we progress the divorce.

He is still being manipulative and trying to undervalue our assets. Most of my stuff and all our big stuff is with him. But I feel the last few months have allowed me to become emotionally stronger to deal with ‘all his nonsense’ as my solicitor puts it.

I am in the same boat as you- so don’t feel alone. I think that many are. If there’s no arguing or abuse it makes feel guilty for wanting to leave and making your teenagers’ lives worse. That’s what I’m wrestling with atm. Feel for you..

Thanks all, I feel heard and seen not criticised. He knows but seems to put in effort for a bit and then go back to his old selfish ways. Now I feel nothing to the games. They are manipulative and can also make you feel guilty. You are all so correct.

His behaviour sounds awful @Isheabastard I think my DH will be the same when I stop being weak and take that step. Maybe I’ll have to go with that option of co habitung, it’s what we are effectively doing now.

@BlastedPimples Definitely as he earns considerably more and has family inheritance. I stupidly didn’t sort out my pensions prior to having DDs and have limited savings. I am self employed in holistics business but I don’t earn enough to buy. I retrained more to remove my boredom as a SAHM. That’s sounds so priveledged but I’m certainly not, more that he encouraged me to stay at home as we could at the time afford on his wages and income, I naively went along with it.

I'd go and have a chat with a solicitor and see what is what.

Sounds as if he has crushed your spirit, OP. You have every right to want happiness.

One teen has said if we split, I’d ruin their life as she knows friends who have been impacted by parental separation.

I don’t blame them, it’s natural for teenagers to be selfish. But please don’t go on sacrificing yourself. Living with unhappily married parents is harmful too, and children are often happier after divorce.

I can’t advise on practical matters, but do see a solicitor for advice. I hope you find a way to leave soon. Best of luck xx

Just an update on here…I still feel emotional and very scared about talking and making steps to divorce. I keep procrastinating all the time. All sorts of worries and doubts in my mind. Every time I read up and try to contact a solicitor I talk myself out of it even though I’m feeling so stressed about living with DH. He is totally ignoring me at the moment, that is good yes but also makes me feel uneasy and worried.

I’m just looking for some reassurance and positivity. How do you push through the overwhelming fear that you could be making stuff worse?

I am doing my research in the background before I push the button and potentially make anything worse. Seeing a solicitor is obligation-free and confidential, so it will inform you which at least will make you feel more in control @Mudstixx

After today’s behaviour from DH, I’m definitely more inclined to go to a solicitor for my own sanity@mustardseedandmoonshire