What the heck is wrong with me ?!!!

[snowballhedge]

I am back with my exp of two years.
Unfortunately, we had a series of horrible events, one traumatic event that was out of our control, that led to the break up a year ago.

We both became down, anxious and were physically unwell for the last six months of the relationship due to these events.
The relationship fell apart as we were both completely depleted from it all.
We both have had separate treatments including counselling for the last year and are both back at work and back to ourselves, so to speak.
We reconnected and decided to give things a go, again.

We are both late forties, divorced with kids.
We have met a couple of times for dates, to start afresh and have decided to have couples counselling as advised.

The thing is.... he is just too much...
Bombarding me with love songs, memes, long declarative messages of gratitude and love and whil I've asked him not to tell me that he is grateful and having told him that I feel the intensity is too much, he hasn't really stopped.

He is not love bombing me, he has no reason to do this and I know him too well but it's just the relentless declarations and messages.

We can only see each other once a week.
I love him, I like him a lot, I'm very attracted to him and we're compatible ... except on this point.

I don't want to hurt him or burst his bubble but now I'm just ignoring a lot of it.
What's wrong with me? I know I am cautious as I want to be sure we're back together for the right reasons and that it's as sure as it possibly can be.
We were both heartbroken not to mention very unwell so I do yearn to go through that again.
I'm not 'buzzing' I'm quietly happy and low level excited about the future.
I can't see a future if this continues as it's just too full on.
What's wrong with me??

The thing is ... it's all positive .. let's bing, buzzing, excitement.
It's almost like the constant barrage of messages and songs and memes are taking away from my own quiet excitement

I wonder if you kind of ignore them for a while will he calm down and you can just get on with things. It sounds like he is thrilled that you are giving things another go but is expressing that in a way that’s a bit OTT for you. Are you worried his feelings are stronger than yours? Or is it just that all the messages are annoying?

The messages are relentless and annoying. He's not taking the hints. I'm due tinder him later after a week. I'm wondering whether to text and say that I'm taking time to adjust to all of this and that the constant stream of gushing correspondence is too much, that I am also really happy and excited but that it's almost taking away from the initial buzz for me?

• due to meet ..

Firstly on a positive note you say " I'm quietly happy and low level excited about the future." which is a good start.

Secondly I can fully understand your point about the excessive declarations of love etc feeling smothering. It is all about getting the balance right - at the other extreme he could be very noncommittal and ignore communications from you to the other extreme of his current constant messages of love. Meanwhile you find yourself somewhere in the middle and it is difficult to get the balance right.

My guess is that he is worried/ paranoid about losing you again (which is a positive that he is committed- that is if you want that) and is seeking reassurance from you.

If you push back on not communicating then he will get even more worried/ paranoid. Try explaining that you are "super super happy and super super excited about the future". Except that after what happened last time you are trying to keep your emotions and expectations under control so that you don't get hurt again. So that it is not the case of you not being keen/ interested just that you are trying to protect yourself and that you really hope he understands as you want to make a success of it ( assuming of course that you do).

On the other hand if you are genuinely not that interested in making it work then just walk because it will won't work unless you also want it to.

I would have to agree... he is super excited and he is determined to make it work this time. He sees this as his second chance and wants to grab it with both hands.
I'm a lot more cautious though.
I want it to work. I am
Will ing to try my best to make it work but of course, after everything , I am
Nervous. I know that it is a risk but I'm willing to take it.
He, on the other hand , is just super excited and giddy.

@snowballhedge

"He, on the other hand , is just super excited and giddy." - bless 😀

Look you both seem to want to make it work which is wonderful after what you have both been through and hopefully you can both support each other going forward.

Just explain that really you are as excited as he is, and you really want it to work it is just that you are trying to keep your emotions under control and can he please try and understand this.

Wish you the best of luck and I have a good feeling about this one.

PS/ try to ignore the usual MN relationship responses which seem to default to "leave the bastard" for whatever and any reason for example " DP of 10 years annoyingly used my toothbrush this morning/ what should I do?" - answered by leave the bastard/ bury him under the patio etc etc.

Thanks you for that!
I almost feel guilty because the more I engage, the more he sends. If I ignore, I feel guilty !!!
I think I will text him that rather than disturb our lovely date later so he has some time to think about It.
I've hinted but he's not getting it at all.

He was always loving and demonstrative, soft and romantic yes.
When we were both in a bad place, we drifted.. both of us.
The shitstorm took over and we took each other for granted , plus he was more unwell than I was, so he fell into an awful pit of despair and I detached.

What's wrong is that he is not listening to you or respecting your wishes. You told him it's too much and asked him to stop and he hasn't. Does he always put his feelings first?

I haven't explicitly asked him to stop nor have I explicitly expressed myself accurately.
I've hinted and it's gone right over his head. I need to spell it out.

Definitely book that couples counselling! And bring this up.

I can’t imagine anyone would enjoy being showered in gushing love messages/ memes whatever.

That would have me cringing inside out. 😩

It’s a bit of a clue in your title when you say “what is wrong with ME” - have a think about that carefully and if self doubt has drawn you into compromises and unequal relationships in the past.

Also boundaries - you have stated yours here and he has not listened or respected them - I would suggest that trashing your boundaries is totally self serving (his insecurity) more so than his deep love for you.

Also think very carefully about how it went wrong first time. A good relationship is measured on how we navigate the tough times together not the easy bits.

At this age wisdom from life experience should be playing into how we approach, nurture and value relationships - what’s his relationship history?

There was a very similar post to yours earlier in the week with some useful tips. In any case, don’t waste time with hints. Men need things explained very directly - that’s how they communicate. Be kind but clear.

I guess I asked what was wrong with me in that .. should I not be thrilled and excited and delighted that we are together again, rather than focusing on his constant stream of messages of love and at times gratitude ?
It seems to be taking over and kind of sucking the joy amd anticipation out of the situation tbh.

A week

@snowballhedge

You asked what is wrong with you and the simple answer is absolutely nothing is wrong with you. You have great hopes for this relationship but given what has happened you are being guarded in your emotions so as not to get hurt again . All perfectly reasonable.

Equally there is nothing wrong with your DP to be super excited about the chance of getting you back after having lost you. There is nothing wrong in this and far better than him not giving a shit.

Both are equally valid reactions and different people behave in different ways- its doesn't make it wrong

All the needs to happen is for both sides to try and understand each other's feelings and explain clearly their own feelings.

Also I fully agree with a previous poster that men really need it spelling out to them in simple terms, if you can include a PowerPoint and flip
Chart all the better.