Having negative impacts on each other

[DietCokeAddict19]

DP and I are not in a good place at the moment.

I've withdrawn myself from our relationship somewhat because of things that have happened and resentments that have built my end without being discussed or resolved, which I've recently posted about.

We did manage to have a really good talk last week, which helped clear the air a bit and I think we both felt a bit more positive about things.

Then yesterday he went running with someone (female) that he worked with on his last job. They came to meet me and DC afterwards and I was more surprised than anything that he hadn't mentioned he was running with her (for context, he will usually say what he is doing and with who, like "I'm meeting Jane for a coffee later" or "I'm going to the cinema with Sarah and Rachel") and it put me in a bad place, mostly because I don't entirely trust her (/them?). She gushed on her social media a few months ago about how wonderful my DP is and that she loves him. (She is Gen Z - I think that's just what they do).

Anyway, I was pissed off that he hadn't mentioned it - in my mind you only omit details if something dodgy is going on. I said to him that I hadn't realised he was running with her, and he was ADAMANT he told me the night before and I had acknowledged him saying it. I have no recollection of this conversation at all. So we are at stalemate.

I should just get over it and be normal, but I don't feel normal. I feel on edge and I can't just snap out of it. This then has an impact on him, that he worries why I have withdrawn and why I am being distant, and now he's had a night of no sleep because of me.

I don't know how to get out of this funk. Or even if it's worth doing so.

I realise how pathetic all of this sounds by the way. No, we are not teenagers. Unbelievably we are both in our 40s!

It sounds tough op, do you have any reason to mistrust him?
I know I wouldn’t like it either if my dh hadn’t mentioned who he was going out with. It would feel like he’s hiding it. My dh has a lot of female friends too which doesn’t bother me as he’s usually quite upfront and honest about who he is going to meet and I know them all fairly well.

It’s hard as you have a family together but do you think a little time apart would help you both to see clearly? Would it help you to decide if you can make
the relationship work again or if you feel happier apart? You could both decide for him or you two sleep somewhere else for 2 days with minimal contact- only contact for the children and see how you get on.

Other than that, what about going to some counselling and talking through what’s making you both unhappy

Right at the start of the relationship I overlapped with his ex (that I had absolutely no idea about) for 3 months, plus he slept with someone else right at the start of us seeing each other. This all came out about a year into the relationship, he lied about it and only told the truth when we split up for a while. We got back together and no there hasn't been any other reason not to trust him since.

He was away for 2 weeks recently for work and I didn't miss him at all, he felt the opposite and was happy to come back. He didn't get the welcome back that he had hoped for and that's made things difficult too.

Yes, we could try couple counselling. I struggle with imagining letting him back into my inner world, but I know that's what I'd have to do for us to work.

The DC are mine with my ex, we don’t have DC together. I just feel I owe it to my children for them to be my focus, and all this spending time trying to focus on my relationship and feeling bad about things that are going on just take time away from them.

I think you need to do what’s best for you and your children. If you’re not happy and feel you could be happier on your own, with your children then maybe seriously consider it.

If you want it to work then changes will need to be made, you’ll need to let go of the past and learn to trust him again and he will need to work harder to gain your trust.
Maybe counselling will work, it’s just something you will need to work at.

Do you see a future with him?

I really think you already know what you need to do based on your last sentence.

I don't know if I see a future with him. We had a long term plan, but already I'm not sure if it's going to work for me - it would involve moving out of the area that we currently live to live in the area he is from. But it's a long way from where we currently are and I don't know what the kids will do, or even if they will have moved out of home by that point. It would also mean giving up a job I love.

He is a few years older so when we made that move he would be looking to retire. I would be 50 and don't think I would be ready.

It sounds like you are one foot out already, why not make it two.

You are right, I am already one foot out. But finding it very hard to actually end it.

The DC really like him, which makes it more difficult. I just feel snappy and irritable and want to be left alone. But they would really miss him.

Please don't move for him. You will regret it and get stuck. You both sound indifferent and you could probably make it work of you don't bring up issues and basically don't care. But he isn't the father of your children so i personally don't think he is worth that amount of headache / you're not trapped. Whatever you do don't move. Stick close to your support network. Your kids love you more than they like him x

Your kids love you more than they like him

Thank you. That is actually really helpful to read.

And yes I don't really want to move! When we first got together I think I got swept away in the imagined future we could have by the sea, but as time goes on it's less my dream, and more his.