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Original poster

Help needed - introducing new partner to daughter

28 replies

michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 20:51

Hi all - would really appreciate some advice! I broke up with the mother of my child in November 2021, when my daughter had just turned 3. It was of course really painful but felt like absolutely like the right decision. I now live about 20 minutes away and we have a 50/50 split.
In June 2022 I met someone at a party and started dating - we have been together since and it's very much a serious relationship now. Throughout I have been very careful to keep my daughter separate from the new relationship, until of course it gets to a point where it feels serious, which it now is.
However, after a year of being together I raised the issue of introducing my daughter to my new partner, in an incredibly gradual way. This was back in June 2023 and my ex stated that she wanted our daughter to start School first. School was still three months away at this point, and I felt this was very unfair.
Now it's October and my ex-partner is still putting obstacles in the way, whilst also suggesting that I will lose my 50/50 share of parenting if I move in with my new partner (which won't happen until March at the earliest).
I'm at a loss as to what to do :(

OP posts:
jsku · 30/09/2023 21:39

Ok. Your Ex is being unreasonable and trying to scare you.
For starters - it’s great you waited. And now - if you feel it’s the right time to introduce your new partner - you can do it. You do not need her permission.

Secondly. There is no reason for you to lose 50/50.

Is your childcare arrangement an informal agreement or did you put it through court?
Is there a specific clause there about new partners? (It’e not a normal practice, but just checking)
The only way to change child arrangements is for your Ex to go to court. But with established 50/50 pattern - she’d need to claim/prove your GF somehow shouldn't be around your daughter. Which isn’t easy to do.

So - if i were you - i’d start gentle introductions. Your daughter is still young - and if everything goes well between you and your new partner - in the future your DD won’t remember the time before she came into her life.

On another note - i wont be planning to move in together until DD and gf are well acquainted and you are sure it their relationship works.

Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:42

Thank you so much.

The childcare arrangement didn't go to a court, but is all written down. There's a bit in there about new partners, specifically: They agree to inform each other about any major milestones in the relationship including overnights with the significant other while xxx is in their care, moving in with a significant other, a vacation with a significant other, a break-up with a significant other, if a Parent gets engaged or married, and of pregnancy.

And yes, the moving in plans are very much dependent on DD and gfr becoming well acquainted and making sure they get on. So, you would consider there no reason for my ex-partner to request a change in the 50/50 split if I do move in with my current partner?

OP posts:
FedUpOfItA · 30/09/2023 21:49

michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:42

Thank you so much.

The childcare arrangement didn't go to a court, but is all written down. There's a bit in there about new partners, specifically: They agree to inform each other about any major milestones in the relationship including overnights with the significant other while xxx is in their care, moving in with a significant other, a vacation with a significant other, a break-up with a significant other, if a Parent gets engaged or married, and of pregnancy.

And yes, the moving in plans are very much dependent on DD and gfr becoming well acquainted and making sure they get on. So, you would consider there no reason for my ex-partner to request a change in the 50/50 split if I do move in with my current partner?

Why did you agree to this phrasing?

I don't know where you stand legally or whether this document is legally binding but when I broke up with my ex-husband and legal documents were put in place there was nothing as stringent as this. The wording says 50/50 split except in exceptional circumstances.

boomtickhouse · 30/09/2023 21:52

The document says you agreed to inform each other, not that you require permission.

You sound sensible. Keep being sensible and go slower than you think your daughter needs.

TicTacNicNak · 30/09/2023 21:53

It says you agree to inform each other, which you have. You don't need your ex's permission to move on. It sounds as though you've been very reasonable, waiting a year to introduce your DP to your DD. I think your ex is a bit jealous and doesn't like the thought of another woman in your DDs life. If your DD and DP get on there's no reason why you should lose 50/50. If ex is going to be difficult maybe it's time to get things formalised through court.

AnneWhittle · 30/09/2023 21:54

I think you have been admirably cautious and put your DD first, well done
Can't see any reason why your current arrangements should change, providing you do as you say and proceed very slowly
does your new partner have children? because that would add a whole layer of complication

Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:54

I assumed (wrongly) that my ex-partner would follow the terms, which feel reasonable. I should add that the beginning of this section states: XXXX and XXXX agree as a courtesy to notify each other prior to introducing XXXX to
any new partners.
So there's nothing about needing permission. I would not prevent my ex-partner from introducing our daughter to someone, had they been seeing each other for over a year.

It is a very long document..

OP posts:
Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:55

AnneWhittle · 30/09/2023 21:54

I think you have been admirably cautious and put your DD first, well done
Can't see any reason why your current arrangements should change, providing you do as you say and proceed very slowly
does your new partner have children? because that would add a whole layer of complication

Thank you. No, my current partner does not have children (which would indeed have made things a bit trickier!)

OP posts:
Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:56

boomtickhouse · 30/09/2023 21:52

The document says you agreed to inform each other, not that you require permission.

You sound sensible. Keep being sensible and go slower than you think your daughter needs.

Good advice, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 21:58

TicTacNicNak · 30/09/2023 21:53

It says you agree to inform each other, which you have. You don't need your ex's permission to move on. It sounds as though you've been very reasonable, waiting a year to introduce your DP to your DD. I think your ex is a bit jealous and doesn't like the thought of another woman in your DDs life. If your DD and DP get on there's no reason why you should lose 50/50. If ex is going to be difficult maybe it's time to get things formalised through court.

Yes, I think there's an element of this. I know that I was definitely more accepting of the break-up than my ex was, but it's been nearly 2 years and I really want her to move on and be happy too.

I feel very guilty being told that my daughter is at a sensitive stage and isn't ready; School is of course a big change, but it's not as if we're going to kick-off the initial introduction with a week's holiday in Spain.. Also, my DD has now been at School for three full weeks..

OP posts:
category12 · 30/09/2023 21:59

You've only agreed to informing each other, not giving each other any control over your private lives.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on about changing from 50/50. I would be prepared to go to court if needs be, but she's probably just trying to manipulate you.

I would make plans to introduce your dd to your partner at this stage, whether ex likes it or not.

Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 22:03

category12 · 30/09/2023 21:59

You've only agreed to informing each other, not giving each other any control over your private lives.

She doesn't have a leg to stand on about changing from 50/50. I would be prepared to go to court if needs be, but she's probably just trying to manipulate you.

I would make plans to introduce your dd to your partner at this stage, whether ex likes it or not.

Thank you - I wish I felt that brave..! The parenting plan we have does state They agree that the new partner must meet with the Parent prior to
being introduced to XXX which felt fair at the time, but she keeps throwing obstacles in the way of this.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/09/2023 22:09

Well, in that case I would give the ex a number of dates & times she can meet with your new partner. If she refuses them all or keeps cancelling or whatever, then she's not acting in the spirit of the agreement. I doubt your agreement is legally binding, but at least it would be showing willing.

Make sure you're keeping texts/messages and keep note of dates of conversations/phonecalls.

You can't let her arse you about forever.

Mischance · 30/09/2023 22:16

You only agreed to "inform", not to ask permission or that either partner would have some sort of veto.

Mischance · 30/09/2023 22:18

If your ex has been putting obstacles in the way of you honouring the agreement then she is breaking the agreement.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/09/2023 22:18

In the sense that you both have parental responsibility for your DD she could refuse to hand her over, you could too. You might then have to go to court but she'd look ridiculous in front of the judge and they'd take a dim view of what she's doing. Make sure you keep any written proof in text/messenger and so on, screenshot just in case. I can't see any reason you'd not get at least 50/50 and this time it would be in a child arrangements order which is a lot more binding.

If she's going to try and blackmail you this way it may well be worth going to court to formalise things. You don't want to be living your life worried to make any big decisions about this or any other future relationship because your Ex will threaten you with losing contact if you decide to move in together, get married, have kids and so on. What she's doing really isn't ok, unless there's something big missing from your post she's not going to be able to reduce your contact when you have a parenting agreement and a long standing 50/50 split. You've been more than reasonable waiting this long, no one can fault you for this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 22:30

I think it's strange to agree on writing that the other parent must meet a new partner forts before the kids do, what if the new partner didn't want to be interviewed by an ex?
But seeing as you've agreed this I agree with pp - offer three or four times over the next month and say new gf is happy to meet you at these times before I will introduce her briefly at a family party or a trip to a playground in half term or November etc - keep it vague so your child isn't 'ill'

I think from both your daughter and your ex's perspective meeting someone new in a social out and about setting feels like less of a 'change' than someone new coming into their intimate home life being there at bathtime breakfast etc (although that will probably happen soon don't rush it)

I say this as a 'bitter ex' myself, you've done the right thing so far and been very thoughtful and your ex can't revoke 50:50 share any more than you can x

Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 22:34

Thank you - yes, the idea of offering a selection of a dates is a sound one (even though I had already done this, and it was ignored).

In hindsight though I admit it seems odd to agree that we meet each other’s new partners before DD, but I assumed it would be a formality..!

OP posts:
BoohooWoohoo · 30/09/2023 22:38

If you went to court and got a Child Arrangement Order then you could safeguard your 50/50 and end this hold that she has on you. You reasonably waited a year. If you went through the courts then she'd be told that you can introduce your dd to who you like whenever you like and ex doesn't have the right to meet new partners.
I think that you should take her current behaviour as a warning that she will be difficult when you go through future relationship milestones. Threatening to change 50/50 because of your relationship status is despicable behaviour and I would personally look to getting a formal order so she can't pull that card again.
I believe it cost £210 plus mediation fee and you shouldn't need a solicitor as you and your ex have a track record if 50/50 and the courts prefer maintaining the status quo.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 30/09/2023 22:55

michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 22:03

Thank you - I wish I felt that brave..! The parenting plan we have does state They agree that the new partner must meet with the Parent prior to
being introduced to XXX which felt fair at the time, but she keeps throwing obstacles in the way of this.

Show quote history

Show you've made a good faith effort to honour this term then get on with your life. Offer her some choices, ask her for a time that suits her, do it all in writing. You won't be expected to wait till she meets her if she's simply saying no to everything. I doubt a judge would be interested in enforcing this term even if it was written more reasonably, it really should have been written along the lines of a good faith effort or parties must find a suitable time within one month of the request to meet a new partner.

As for your DD being at a sensitive time, maybe, maybe not but there's never going to be a perfect moment. Unless she's visibly struggling, things like not sleeping, feeling anxious, asking for reassurance all the time, not eating or eating way way too much having nightmares, lots of sore tummies (can be anxiety) I'd drop the guilt and get on with your life.

SummerInSun · 30/09/2023 23:01

I'm 90% on your side, but I do kind of agree with your ex that 3 weeks into starting school is very little time for a child to get used to one major adjustment, so i wouldn't introduce another major change now. So going to a cafe for lunch with new partner for an hour - yes. New partner suddenly being in your home for a whole day and being there when daughter goes to bed - no. Not at first. Start small.

junbean · 30/09/2023 23:03

Do what you think is best for your daughter! Ex has no legal standing. Record conversations, even just on paper with the date is fine, just in case she gets crazy. She sounds controlling and jealous. You just keep doing what you're doing, sounds very reasonable.

Original poster
michaelthomas89 · 30/09/2023 23:07

SummerInSun · 30/09/2023 23:01

I'm 90% on your side, but I do kind of agree with your ex that 3 weeks into starting school is very little time for a child to get used to one major adjustment, so i wouldn't introduce another major change now. So going to a cafe for lunch with new partner for an hour - yes. New partner suddenly being in your home for a whole day and being there when daughter goes to bed - no. Not at first. Start small.

Oh absolutely! My intention was to start really small (hour in the park etc) so that by the time we reach December/January my current partner and DD have had several small meets that gradually increase. As someone else has noted, there’s never a perfect moment but appreciate starting School is a bit of an intense time!

OP posts:
SunflowerTed · 01/10/2023 00:46

I’m completely on your side. Having a lovely stepmother (I’m getting ahead of myself here!) could be a great thing for your daughter. Don’t be controlled by your ex who u suspect is jealous of your happiness. Keep all the correspondence and be prepared to go the court

jsku · 01/10/2023 13:04

@michaelthomas89
Your childcare arrangement is a little restrictive and not enforceable. No court would have stated it in these terms - or would try to enforce it now.

If your place - I’d just ‘inform’ her in writing to keep the peace. I’d say smth like - planning to introduce GF to Dd next week. If you wanted to meet her beforehand - we are available on Day X.

And just proceed. You don’t need her permission. Your Dd is small - so having a walk in a park with Daddy’s friend isn’t some stressful event. And starting school
has no bearing on it.

Your Ex is being irrational. I know how scary it must feel when your Ex’s new partner meets your kids. I have been there. Once it happens, and once your Dd establishes her relationship with GF - your Ex will see that it won’t mean she is losing her daughter. Which is, most likely, what is driving her fears.

Don’t bother with proactive filing to the court. Let Ex decide what she wants. She will quickly be explained by any lawyer that she has NO ground for altering 50/50 arrangement. Most people move on and establish new relationships. It doesn’t make them less of a parent. And doesn’t change their parental rights.