Is it selfish to have kids? I don't know what to say!

[happyaslarrywhoeverlarryis]

A good friend asked me this question recently and I didn't know what to say! For context, friend is married, biological clock is ticking but she has three very serious chronic health conditions - one of which has a risk factor of sudden death.

On a day to day basis she is mostly ok and lives a 'normal' life (whatever that is) but on a 'bad day' she's immobile from pain for anything up to a few weeks and on paper, at least, one of the conditions is only likely to get worse with a prognosis that at some point she might be totally immobile.

She desperately wants to have kids and her DH is largely supportive but has some concerns, like how would he cope if he had to be main breadwinner as well as main carer for children? All legitimate questions!

My friend asked me recently what I thought and I guess invited me into the conversation. My gut feeling is that having little ones is overwhelmingly more tiring and stressful than you can ever imagine. Add that to underlying illnesses, it's going to be doubly/triply hard but does that mean it's impossible?

I don't know how to answer my friend (I told her this) but part of me is scared for how this would pan out should she get pregnant and have a baby.

Is there ever a point (do you think?) where someone shouldn't have a baby? What would you say to my friend?

The human race dying out won’t solve anything, the planet is already doomed.

This is completely untrue. The planet would do much better without humans on it. It managed perfectly well for 4.5 billion years before we appeared and the biogeochemical processes of this living planet would regenerate and heal the harm wreaked by humans if we all disappeared tomorrow. It would take millions of years and scars would remain on the landscape forever, but it would happen.

Of course it’s a choice whether or not to have children! It’s one I’m still making and there is nothing inevitable about it.

And if you got pregnant three times whilst on contraception then you are doing contraception wrong.

What a strange lack of agency you seem to feel over your own life. Does it comfort you not to take responsibility for your actions?

As to the OP's question, no her friend probably shouldn't have a baby, but I wouldn't want to be the friend to tell her that. One of her conditions can result in sudden death and her DH is worried about parenting and being the breadwinner at the same time? Well there are legions of lone parents who do this already, but if he feels unable to do that it's up to him to tell her an unequivocal no. As for 'the planet already has too many humans', her having one baby really won't make much difference.

In her circumstances absolutely yes.

Im pretty sure it’s too late for the planet

Besides, why do we want to not exist? Every single thing we do in life we do to stay alive. It just feels like a silly thing to say.

I would have said to my friend that if I were in her situation, and knowing what I know now about what it like to have kids, I personally would not have them if I were in her situation. That’s not to say she shouldn’t, but I wouldn’t. Then if she asked me to expand more on why I felt like that, I would tell her.

I think it would be selfish to her children and husband, yes, but I wouldn't necessarily say so like that!
I guess I'd invite her to ask herself:
A) how would she feel if the tables were turned and her husbands had the conditions?
B) how would she feel in her children's shoes?

I have a friend who has a disability that impacts her mobility and she lives with pain most days, couldn't ever have an active job, she went on to have 4 kids (purposefully) and at least 2 have inherited the condition. They also have a very low income (but thankfully live in a cheap area) I struggle to understand why she had so many children tbh, 4 is tough for anyone, never mind someone who can't drive or some days move- if her DH ever left her she and the kids would be in such a difficult situation.

But would I ever say anything? Not a chance, it's the number of kids I take issue with, not that she had them at all.

Im pretty sure it’s too late for the planet

Of course it’s not too late for the planet! How can people believe this? Life has existed for billions of years through all kinds of climates and catastrophes. But life keeps adapting and finding a way. And it still will.

The human species is not doomed either. We are one of the most parable species on the planet and also the most resourceful. There will be plenty of humans to carry on.

What may happen is that parts of the world become uninhabitable and conflicts arise over habitable parts of the planet and key resources like water. What is likely to happen is that there is suffering and challenge for many people.

What is likely to happen is that things will get crapper. Particularly for some people and in some parts of the world. But life on earth is not going to end, some species may end, but not life overall. And people will not die out either.

If the children are likely to end up as young carers or may lose their mother when young, it's selfish. I wouldn't want that for my children.

"she has three very serious chronic health conditions - one of which has a risk factor of sudden death."

Personally, if I was in her shoes, I'd be more worried about passing these health conditions on to an unborn child - no matter how much I wanted a child, I wouldn't want to risk them being born with the same chronic health conditions.