Red flags/toxic brother in-law?

[Blue2blue]

About 2 weeks ago, I had a curtesy car dropped off at the house and my car collected for repairs. My husband called me to say his brother had been on the phone to him to saying there's a strange car that he doesn't recognise on our drive and there's a man there. My husband already knew I was expecting my car to be collected and a replacement car delivered that day, so he was fine when I told him that's what it was although he seemed a bit vexed at first which I thought was odd.

Then yesterday I was feeding the horse, and the brother lives next to the gate into the field. When his neighbours boy came over to talk to me and stroke the horse, then his father came over. We were chatting for a little bit, and then they both left. When I got home, my husband mentioned that his brother called him, saying he had heard me talking to someone by the horses field and went out into his back yard to try to hear what I was saying, he told him I was talking to a man and he wanted to know what was happening with the horse.

I felt like his brother had just taken brief innocent chat with a neighbour and his little boy, and couldn't understand why my brother in-law would need to call up my husband to tell him I had been talking to another man or why he felt the need to sneak out into his back yard to try to ear what we were talking about.

Are these red flags of a toxic brother in-law?

I'm concerned as after we married I found out that my husband had left his first partner because his brother told him he had called to their house and he had seen her coming out of their bedroom walking down the stairs buttoning up her top up, shortly followed by the painter who was doing work on their house at the time.

And after that he was in a relationship, which had to end as his family believed she wasn't right for him and that if he didn't leave her they would disown him.

I knew nothing about this before marrying him.

Could these be red flags that his brother is trying to interfere and cause trouble in this relationship now?

I know my husband unfortunately will not believe this as he thinks the sun shines out of his brothers back side.

Wow he sounds intense. I wonder though if it comes from the first partner having an affair with the painter. I would have a nice chat with him. Maybe say that DH has told you about the couple of incidents and explain that you would never ever betray him but you understand their worries given past relationships. I know you shouldn’t have to but it might just make your life easier. Kill them with kindness as they say.

Yes red flags.

However the focus is on your DH - don’t get distracted by the words and actions of your BIL.

Be direct with your DH right now. Cite these two incidents as well as past his previous relationships and tell your DH bluntly that you won’t be justifying, explains or defending yourself to him one more time .... but that you are ready to walk right now if he can’t trust you.

Whats the bigger picture - is this a very enmeshed family?

I would also look into stalking legislation as BIL surveillance of you may well be in breach.

Did the first partner even have an affair? Sounds like the brother has been watching too much porn - who IRL thinks "oh I'll just come on to this painter who I don't know from Adam but I'm bored".

I would be very angry at my husband but also call out the brother in law for watching your every move. Is he being told to report everything back to you husband?

Your BIL sounds very nosy and extremely invested in your private life.
just focussing on some of this -- does the horse belong to you or your DH?
Why does your BIL need to know 'what's happening with the horse.'

SiobhanSharpe BIL doesn't really need to know about the horse. My husband and I bought the horse for our daughter, but I mainly look after the horse, so it would be no surprise to BIL that I would be there at the horses field as I go there most days anyway.

Your BIL is well out of order. I would be telling him to fuck off. And if he continues his surveillance of you I'd be reporting him to the police for stalking.

Why are you so keen to label it as red flags? It's a behaviour that makes you uncomfortable. Ask your husband to tell his brother to stop.

If there's any respect in your relationship, that's the last you'll hear of it.

I knew nothing about this before marrying him

You married him without talking about why previous relationships ended?

That's really strange behavior, It's almost as if he wants to catch you doing something.
Does he have his own family?

Your BIL sounds like a dick, but your DH doesn't sound great in this situation either. If my BIL rang my DH with the above info, his response would be 'and?' Do you think your DH has asked him to spy on you? It's weird behavior from both of them.

Your BIL sounds mad but your DH doesn't sound much better. Regardless of his past his reaction is not normal.

You are going to have to have a sit down conversation about boundaries, trust and BIL being invasive.

squareyedannie yes he has his own wife, but its not an happy relationship. I've heard him say he can't stand her in the past. Yet they haven't devorced, he says he can't devorce her but I don't know if that's down to. Money or something else.

@Blue2blue i think I’d laugh at my husband and be mocking my brother in law - ‘oh that’s a bit creepy and giving me the ick vibe how he seems obsessed with following me around and spying on me…’ / ‘oh is you’re brother at it again, makes me feel uncomfortable knowing he spy’s and reports back every innocent interaction’.

I’d ring your Husband every. Single. Time. You speak to a man over the age of 16… ‘just letting you know before your brother rings you… - do you want me to get a selfie with them for proof’…

id also mock the BIL when I saw him - ‘I better not talk to you for too long - don’t want people getting the wrong and idea and going running back to hubby… ‘ then smile at SIL and tell her she deserves an award.

but then I’m grumpy, peri menopausal and past giving shits with men like this and feeling somewhat passive aggressive.

Funny how only male interactions count - are you allowed to talk to women?

I'd feel very uncomfortable with this Op, your BIL obviously doesn't like women and suspects that they get up to no good any time you turn your back on them. If your DH hero worships him then he's going to believe any rubbish his DB tells him, which means you're going to have a lifetime of him spying on you and trying to catch you out when nothing untoward is happening. It's too close a relationship, he should love his DB but not to the point where he believes him over his own wife.
I can't see this getting any better unless you intervene, you need to tell your DH his DB is making you uncomfortable, you're doing nothing wrong and his DB needs to back off.

I can see this BIL and his interference becoming the reason your marriage will fail unless you tackle it now. Have a really frank conversation with your DH and tell him that he needs to put his brother in his place and that DH needs to trust you and not hold other people's actions against you. If your DH isn't having the convo with his brother then I think you should.