Rebuilding the trust - is it possible?

[Purpledinosaurss]

And how do you do it? Has anyone managed to come back after a major rift in their relationship?

DH suddenly changed in our relationship a while ago, said his feelings had changed, he didn’t want to be married to me anymore. There were many miserable months and we agreed to separate, but carried on living together (we have 3 kids and own a house together). Recently he’s been saying he wants to get back together, but I can’t seem to even hug him. It’s like I’ve got trauma from all the months when I was so unhappy and felt so rejected. I just don’t know how we rebuild the trust again. Is it possible?

For some people it might be, for you it may or may not be. I'm not sure I could come back from that. You're not just something that can be picked up and put down at will.

Depends on the issue at hand and the people involved I guess. Some people are able to mend things and move forward and others can't.

Having gone through all of that recently with separation and being cast aside, I'm not sure I could be someone's option.

Primarily I’d be looking at his motives for wanting to get back together. Was the grass brown on the other side?

I think it is possible to trust again but it’s a very slow incremental process and needs total transparency from the other side. It takes a lot of discussion and open conversations to iron out the cause and find a new way forward.

If, after a while of trying one finds it impossible to forgive/forget and move on together, then it might be best to give up and properly separate.

Don’t waste too many years of your life on a lost cause that is never going to be fulfilling for you due to resentments and distrust.

@Oldthyme has totally nailed it, OP.

Of course you’re traumatised by him smashing up your relationship and putting you through the emotional anguish of having to live for months with someone who had rejected you. You absolutely must respect your feelings around this.

He’s shown himself to be untrustworthy so of course you can’t trust him. Maybe if you stick around and he treats you very well for years, you might regain that trust but it’s going to take years and you owe it to yourself to do what works for you.

Reading between the lines, he wants this all his own way. Perhaps he’s telling you that you should just be glad he’s back and should get over the split. He’s wrong. He’s been ahead of you every time - first in breaking up your marriage and now in deciding he wants to try again. But you’re not a toy. He doesn’t get to put you down and pick you up just because it suits him. Take your time.

Oh and if he’s suggesting you shouldn’t split up your family, remind him that he’s the one who did that when he ended your relationship.

Thanks for the replies. It feels a bit hopeless at the moment so I was wondering if people think it’s possible to rebuild, but of course every relationship is different. In terms of his motives I think maybe that’s where the lack of trust comes in. I don’t really understand what’s changed and why he now feels differently. I’ve said this and he can’t really explain, just says things have changed.

Thanks @Dery crossposted with you - that’s really helpful. It’s good to have my feelings recognised as he seems somewhat surprised that I feel so traumatised.

Honestly, he had his head turned and was hoping for a new relationship, an affair, whatever, so his feelings for you changed.

She has now backed off and he has decided he better stay where his bread is buttered.

I wouldn't trust him with your life, feelings or future.

@Needanewnamebeingwatched i can see why you say that but he swears this isn’t the case. I have asked him several times and he completely denies anyone else being involved.

But the lack of trust in his feelings for me remains, it’s true.

I’m not surprised you’re traumatised, how awful to have the rug pulled out from under you like that. My XH told me he didn’t love me out of the blue but didn’t make any move to break up or move out and then things gradually got better until six years later I found out he was cheating - and he had been at that earlier point, too.

If you never get a satisfactory explanation about what caused his flip-flopping now in my experience you’ll always feel unsettled. If you are going to make a go of it (I wouldn’t) at the very least he needs to commit to therapy and couples therapy. Good luck - you’ll be fine without him if you do decide to split.

It depends on why he felt the way he did, and what's changed.
Unless he was having some sort of crisis, MH, or big life change event like bereavement or redundancy; I would struggle with the idea his feelings could come and go and come back again for no apparant reason.
The most likely cause when this happens apropos of nothing is the hope of a new relationship elsewhere. Which if so, seems to have either not materialised or proved a let down and he wants to be back for want of a better option.
Before I'd even consider it I'd need to understand a lot more about what had happened.

Thank you both. The explanation he gives is that our relationship hadn’t been good for a while (true) but the abrupt way he ended things/pulled away was a big shock.

Now he says he’s still unsure but wants to give things another go - but after what I’ve been through I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if it’s enough to go on, I suppose, after what’s happened.

Do you feel there was justification for him giving up on the relationship? Can you see the areas it went wrong and empathise with how that made him feel at all? Are the things that were wrong things you (plural) could change going forward? I think to have a hope for a future, you would need three yeses.
If you believe he bailed without good cause then your resentment will be a barrier, as will your lack if trust that he will react disproportionately to future bad patches. If the things he found intolerable can't be changed, then why would they be any more tolerable now?

Thanks @5128gap, lots to think about! I think I have two yesses there…

What an asshole he is! Where is your anger OP? What about your own feelings? They matter too.

Who does he think he is that he can just break up your relationship and start it back up because he decides so? He is a selfish bastard!

It seems he has been controlling you for so long you no longer are in touch with your own feelings, needs and wants, OP. Get some counseling to help you see things from your own perspective. He is using you.

Best advice i ever got was "don't wait around for a guy to tell you twice he dont love you "

Have to say I'm conflicted either way. There were definitely times during my marriage when I looked on him with feelings bordering dislike resentment and downright ambivalence. I'm divorced now (not of my choosing) but when I see him now there are often times when it's like he's the old him - the man I married. And I miss him. And I think I still love him. (And then I remind myself of why he left and then my uterus shrivels right back up again 😂) So yes I think you can swing from saying you love someone to saying your feelings have changed and then back again.

Was he out and about during the time you were "separated"? TBH it sounds like the scenario described above - that he was into someone else but he has been knocked back.

Totally sounds like he’s had his head turned, she’s knocked him back and he’s settling. Sorry but sounds like The Script. Don’t be second best you’re worth more

He had someone else and it didn't work out. My ex tried the same thing with me, and when I told him, "no" he went back to her. Good riddance.

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Here is what I think happened: His affair didn't work out. He wants you back, until the next one. And yes, there will DEFINITELY be a next one.

Never make a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you. He's told you, now believe him and get out.

Not possible because you always wonder if he's going to twist the knife again.

Well he's not going to tell you that's what happened because you might bring it all to an end, so he tells you what he thinks you want to hear and slides back under the covers as if nothings happened.

I would never allow someone to tell me twice they didn't love me.....said someone above and that is so damm true.

He sounds really flaky. He's messing you around and probably lying to you too.

If there was another woman, OF COURSE he's going to vehemently deny it in order to get what he wants.

He's even saying he's STILL not sure - but willing to give it another go?! He's not doing any of this for your or your joint benefit. It's all about him!

“Now he says he’s still unsure but wants to give things another go.”
Tell him to let you know when he’s absolutely “sure” and you’ll only consider it then.

You’ll never get the real reason he suddenly decided to do something this drastic, especially if somebody else was involved. Ever. He’s not making any kind of remorseful noises about commitment or being devastated to lose you, so even if you did get the reason he left, would you believe it or still have that gut feeling that somewhere, somehow, something isn’t quite right? It’s no way to live.

He won’t commit. He’s incredibly selfish and still keeping one foot in both doors, the marital door and the single man door. He needs to choose, now, and shut one door for good.

To think it’s ok to keep you in this horrible hoping/ waiting/ limbo/ anxious state whilst he makes his mind up is not loving, not about you or your life and marriage, it’s all about him.

He wants to fanny Ann about making sure his life is ok, his future is what he wants, he doesn’t get to lose out. He doesn’t get to use you as a place marker in his life whilst he does this. He appears to have no consideration for you whatsoever, dangling a future in front of you to keep you invested and prevent you moving on with your life whilst he sorts his out. Don’t allow him to do this.

Decide what YOU want OP, he’s done this, he dropped the bomb, the fallout is his problem. Don’t let it be yours, or allow him to think it’s yours. It sounds like you coped well with his leaving and made boundaries for yourself which he doesn’t like and now wants to have a foothold in.

You don’t need to ask how to rebuild trust, it’s redundant whilst he’s still saying he’s ‘unsure’. Who the hell can trust that? He’s trying to keep control of this. Take it back, the power is yours now. You’re already living without him, it appears you have something he didn’t value enough a while ago to stick with, but now he does. Maybe. Probably. Possibly. 🙄

For me he’d have to do a million miles better than “still unsure” before I’d discuss anything other than making the separation a permanent situation.

He’s not ready to commit yet, if ever, he’s said so himself in so many words. Leave him where he is OP, or you’ll have to endure him moving back in then out again for a second time. You’ve done really well so far, don’t give that strength and power away.