Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband checked out

8 replies

PEEDOFFFACE · 30/09/2023 00:32

This is a ramble but me and dh don't spend time together. I work evenings, he works days. We have small kids.
I can cope with not spending time together much if it wasn't for that he's often out with his mate from work. They are child free so can spend quality time together chatting with no interruptions where we we can't talk until bedtime for the kids and I notice now he often goes to bed not long after because he's knackered.

However if his friend invites him out he's full of beans and energy. If I say anything he says I should go out with my friends then. But my point is I want us to do things together aswell. The nights im working I don't see him and then I'm off he's either sleep or out or watching TV upstairs. He also never really replies to my texts . If I moan he will make an effort for a few weeks then go back to going out or being on his phone.
It just makes me feel like shit . But I don't know if I'm being over dramatic. He doesn't seem to get it?? I think he honestly believes he's doing everything right . Or he gets defensive and says " oh so I'm a shit husband". I don't want to be a jealous wife but don't feel I should have to beg for a bit of attention.

OP posts:
Greendoor12 · 30/09/2023 00:35

Gently.. could he be having an affair?

Even if he’s not, he sounds like a twat. Take steps to safeguard yourself financially.

I’m sure it’s really hard though, hope you’re ok.

Original poster
PEEDOFFFACE · 30/09/2023 00:41

Thanks for your reply. Maybe an emotional affair. He has got mentionitus about his work friend( always talking about them) I'm feeling pretty down at the minute cos my job is awful , most of my friends have left, so I can't work out if I'm projecting because I'm jealous ( I am jealous, I want people who want to go out with me) but then that's separate to how he just goes to bed or watches TV when I am there. He's said loads about the person at work how he loves their little chats in the morning, always buying them cakes, can't wait to go out with them etc. I've become less and less social in our marriage and he's become more so which is weird. Even at the school gates he's the life and soul of the party. Jesus maybe I'm just jealous cos my social life is shit

OP posts:
Listening2023 · 30/09/2023 00:54

He's said loads about the person at work how he loves their little chats in the morning, always buying them cakes, can't wait to go out with them etc.
Red flag...it's not you being jealous

lucyhadness1996 · 30/09/2023 00:59

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RandomForest · 30/09/2023 13:02

This doesn't sound like a partnership, it sounds like rivalry.

He is a shit husband, there is a definite lack of care, care about your feelings.

Do you think he is intentionally rubbing your nose in his happy work life with this person when he probably knows you are down. I mean I know you're down after reading a two minute post, why has he not picked up on you being upset.

There are some people who revel in kicking you when you're down, quite sadistic really.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2023 13:46

PEEDOFFFACE · 30/09/2023 00:41

Thanks for your reply. Maybe an emotional affair. He has got mentionitus about his work friend( always talking about them) I'm feeling pretty down at the minute cos my job is awful , most of my friends have left, so I can't work out if I'm projecting because I'm jealous ( I am jealous, I want people who want to go out with me) but then that's separate to how he just goes to bed or watches TV when I am there. He's said loads about the person at work how he loves their little chats in the morning, always buying them cakes, can't wait to go out with them etc. I've become less and less social in our marriage and he's become more so which is weird. Even at the school gates he's the life and soul of the party. Jesus maybe I'm just jealous cos my social life is shit

Edited

No. You are being sidelined/ignored

Yes, he's a shit husband

C1N1C · 30/09/2023 14:06

There will be a lot in here that say he's a rubbish husband, or maybe even cheating... the third option is the one that no one will say (but I will because I'm in it)..

My partner has depression and hormone imbalances and can actually be a nightmare. It ranges from severe depression to lashing out and arguments for even asking simple questions like when they'll be finished when it hits 5pm (with good intent, so I can plan dinner!)...

I won't leave or cheat, that's not me... but don't get me wrong, I look forward to going to work and escaping during the week because it means I can relax and not tread on eggshells, and actually be happy rather than spend my time trying to pick my partner up.

I'm not saying this is the situation here, but marriage often becomes mundane, and work needs to be done to sustain it, even simple chores... outside life is often an escape, and I'm sure that goes for both men and women in long-term relationships. The test of this is to get him out on his own with you... no kids, relaxed, no plans... even drive him wherever you go yourself so it's not a chore. If he picks up, it suggests it's more a family exhaustion rather than checking out of the relationship.

SunflowerTed · 01/10/2023 00:33

He’s checked out if your marriage and making no effort. Sounds like his head has been turned?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread