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Original poster

Dealing with the unfairness of it all

17 replies

bringonyourwreckingball · 29/09/2023 20:05

So - with STBXH for 22 years, married for 17, 2 kids aged 15 and 17, 18 in a few days.

just over a year ago I discovered he had been having a sugar daddy affair where he had been paying another woman for sex. We separated but had counselling and in the course of that I realised he was still lying to me. It transpired (I found out) he had been shagging prostitutes for around 10 years. Still having unprotected sex with me.

obviously we are now divorcing but I am hugely enraged that he just gets to move on and will probably be with another woman within a year if not already whereas I’m in my late 40s, still an attractive woman but obviously limited by age. How is any of this remotely fair?

OP posts:
B1rd · 29/09/2023 20:32

It's not fair. It's truly awful what you've been through. I think we have this idea that if you marry, then you marry for life and your partner is your main go to person. But it's horrific when they let you down in such a way that he has done to you.
But, you will get through this. It will take time, but you will be ok. Your children will help you with that, I'm sure.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 29/09/2023 20:35

he just gets to move on and will probably be with another woman within a year

And he will cheat on her with prostitutes or sugar-babes and she will leave and the cycle will continue till he is too old and broke to attract anyone, at which point he will face a lonely old age.

BlastedPimples · 30/09/2023 03:49

It's absolutely not fair. It's horrendous.

However, he can't hurt you again. You've taken charge. You walk away. Complicated if there's dcs involved but you can keep it clinical and detached.

If it brings you comfort, you should know that your ex is an empty void of a person. He will find in time (don't know how long) they he's lost anything that mattered.

Watchkeys · 30/09/2023 07:06

Sorry, you think he isn't limited by age but you are? That's an unfairness you're inventing. You could equally be with a new partner within a year.

It's not fair that he has treated you this way, no. I'd approach this by making it all about me, rather than all about him and his behaviours. So I'd be questioning why I felt so hard done to, rather than accepting that life isn't fair, and that's how it is. I'd be looking at what I need and want, to help me feel better, rather than taking the childlike 'It's not fair!!' approach.

It's on you to get through this in as healthy a state as you can. It's not fair, you're right, but did you ever think that life was?

PennyFarting1 · 30/09/2023 07:18

This is why you need to take him to the cleaners. You're a better catch, they're just with him for the money.

frozendaisy · 30/09/2023 07:29

Just be glad you won't have to ever see him in your home again OP.

You are losing nothing.

He think women are their to serve him, not respect, be equal to, have their own minds and inputs, no they are there to serve him domestically and sexually.

Honestly put the thoughts of he will have a new relationship and I won't thoughts out of your mind. He has made you think that being with someone is the only thing that matters and it really really isn't.

It doesn't matter who he is with in the future it's still him. He is awful.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 30/09/2023 08:15

You are not limited by anything. You are beautiful, brave and amazing. You are taking back your life from a selfish arsehole skid mark of a man, who will probably go on to treat some other woman as badly as he has treated you. He is no longer your problem and now you are free to do whatever you want. Hold your head up and know your worth so that other people know it too.

Planesmistakenforstars · 30/09/2023 08:16

The past is definitely unfair on you. I actually think the better deal now though is that you get to live the rest of your life without him in it, while he will wake up every day as an arsehole. Plus take him to the cleaners and don't forget his pension.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 30/09/2023 08:18

Do your dc know the truth?

readbooksdrinktea · 30/09/2023 08:19

It's not fair that he's a complete cheating twat, obviously. I'd focus on not having caught something off the fucker, though. You're well rid.

JessieLongleg · 30/09/2023 08:26

You're moving on and trust it's much easier to get a relationship at your age when you don't want more children or have young children. Plenty don't want kids at our age now. I think you need to ask yourself what you want a relationship for it shouldn't just be to be perceived as wanted as you are looking at your husband. He is wanted but in a very shallow, money gaining way.

Aubree17 · 30/09/2023 09:14

This isn't how it has to be.
Picture this. The next few months you focus on you. A feel good project. Whatever makes you feel good.
Then in time you'll meet someone great. Who you don't have to worry about which prostitute he's with that night.
Meanwhile he'll be stuck in his sad cycle of meaningless sex and some poor unsuspecting woman is going to be facing what your facing now.
But your free of it and it sounds like it isn't a huge loss. There's someone better out there for you.

Nepmarthiturn · 30/09/2023 10:11

How awful OP. The betrayal of being lied to for all those years. You are well rid, and will be much happier without him!!

Original poster
bringonyourwreckingball · 01/10/2023 12:48

I think I am finding it particularly hard to move on because I was diagnosed with breast cancer a month after he moved out and have had 9 months of extremely gruelling treatment, lost all my hair - my self esteem was rock bottom after what he did to me anyway but none of that has helped. And going through all that alone made me fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. My friends and the kids have been fabulous but at the end of the day it’s tough not having that one person who is in your corner. And yes, that was never going to be him, too selfish.
The kids know he was unfaithful but don’t know all the sordid details obviously.

OP posts:
anotherdisaster · 01/10/2023 15:24

I'm so sorry OP. What a truly awful thing to discover. Most men seem to land on their feet after a breakup. My ex was awful to me during our entire 17 years together and he is the one who met someone else and has now been with for years. I'm not bitter about that anymore because I remember, I could still be stuck with him and now she is. He hasn't changed.,

taptaptaps · 01/10/2023 15:25

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 29/09/2023 20:35

he just gets to move on and will probably be with another woman within a year

And he will cheat on her with prostitutes or sugar-babes and she will leave and the cycle will continue till he is too old and broke to attract anyone, at which point he will face a lonely old age.

This

User0000009 · 01/10/2023 15:27

Karma will come for him. Just bide your time x

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