Coming off sertraline - feel like I want to get a divorce

[Lifeonabudget]

I’ve been on sertraline for the best part of 11 years. Started at 19 for severe intrusive thought OCD (also known as Pure O) that’s I’ve had since a child. When pregnant with DD1 I had antenatal depression followed by pretty severe post natal depression and ended up on 150mg of sertraline (increased from 50). I honestly felt numb to everything, so whilst they helped stop the depression it also zapped any kind of emotion and tbh I’ve been unable to cry whilst I’ve been on them anyway! Tapered back down to 50mg about 3 years ago and have been on this since but have honestly been very tired of the how lazy I felt like they were making me. Zero drive, always tired, no motivation etc so thought I’d try coming off them to see how I felt, I can’t really remember what my own brain feels like without them. Anyway a few months down the line and I’ve managed to cut to 12.5mg with very minimal side effects apart from the first few days after a dosage cut. I feel amazing, have felt like I can cope much better with housework, cooking, parenting etc. I also feel genuinely happy, and instead of being glued to my phone I spend the evenings playing with my DDs.

relationship with dh hasn’t been the best tbh, I let a lot of stuff slide before due to just not having the energy to fight about it. As I’ve slowly come down, I’ve found in less tolerable of these behaviours. He offers zero support at home, never cooks, never cleans, can’t remember the last time he did any form of laundry or household tasks. He’s also extremely strict with my autistic dd (5) and shouts at her for normal autistic behaviours. I do 99.9% of the parenting so I get that he is out of whack with her behaviours/quirks but he calls her annoying, tells her to get over sensory issues and offers no comfort when she is upset. The other morning he was screaming at her because he thought she had done something she hadn’t. She was screaming crying so much she was hyperventilating and I just lost it on him. I was screaming at him not to ever fucking talk to her like that again etc. definitely not my proudest moment but she is 5 fucking years old, why does he need to use grown man aggression against a 5 year old?!?

He has a Very Big, Very Important Job. Nothing can come before that. Even at the detriment to our family life balance. He will happily do anything for anyone at work for free but will not cook a bowl of pasta for the kids when I’m feeling sick. He will literally wait for me to get up and do it. I very calmly asked him yesterday morning if he could help me with something and he went on a tirade about how I need to go back on the antidepressants because he refuses to live with me like this. I was completely baffled. It’s made me think how happy I feel when it’s just me and the girls. And I’m like, why do I even bother? He wants someone to mother him I think. Sorry this was a ramble! I just don’t know if it’s a side effect of the withdrawal or a sign that I’m waking up to the shitstorm of this relationship..

Sounds like you are waking up! What do you gain from this marriage?

I came on here to share that my dp became much less annoying when I started sertraline. But yours just sounds like an ass (sorry). Even ignoring most of the issues, I couldn't stay with someone who treated my children like that. Doesn't sound like he'd genuinely want much custody either with his big important job...

I was taking them for years. I half knew at the time they made it easier to live with my husband. In the end they weren’t enough.

Im hoping once the divorce is over, I can stop taking them.

I think you have just had your eyes opened to what a lazy sod he is in the home and how horrible and uncaring he is with the children. I had a family member on these meds and they said they felt numb, no emotion at all and it limited their creativity. They eventually slowly came off of them reducing eventually to every 2nd day and very slowly. It took a few months to feel normal as had brain zaps etc so please take it slowly if you go off them completely but see a doctor first if you need to.
As for your husband you need to make a list of things he needs to do in the house as you cannot be expected to do it all especially at the weekends he can do his share.
As for his treatment of your daughter, he cannot act like that and shout at her as that is abuse and will really affect her confidence in the future and she will have bad anxiety also.
If he does not change his ways you will be better off with just you and your children. Start getting all your paperwork together, do you share finances, has he any money saved etc. I would talk to a solicitor and see what they also say. Do not let him know any of this and make a plan if you do decide to break up. He sounds like he is the big man with the big job and you are the help. He preferred when you were zonked out on the tablets as you just put up with his crap. Please look after yourself and protect your child as he sounds awful and really it is easier doing things for just yourself and your children alone than begrudgingly doing it for that ungrateful man. Are both your names on the house also and he will have to pay maintenance.
Keep posting for support and well done for cutting down on meds but talk to doctor and see should you need to stay on low dose if going through all this. Life is easier without an abusive bully in it especially if he offers no support to you and the children.

I've been on and off AD's since I was a teenager, now in my 50's. My Dr told me I should stay on them, not have any breaks. I think once my divorce is over I'll try coming off them, I couldn't imagine doing it now, in the middle of it.
AD's act as a buffer - you're now experiencing what 'real' life is like with your 'D'H. Yes you feel more alive off them but less tolerant of his bad behaviour. The AD's were 'masking'. Make a plan to leave, while you're clear headed, if that's what you feel would be best - get your ducks in a row!

Thanks so much for all your responses, I really appreciate them all. I have luckily had minimal side effects coming off them, however have been doing it slowly over the past two months and so far haven’t experienced any brain zaps. I have experienced some intrusive thoughts but feel like I’m able to cope better with them now. I think I’ll try CBT if they get really bad again. It also makes me question whether I was ever depressed or if it was down to DH. Back when I was pregnant with dd1 he was extremely volatile and would go on drinking binges. Offered very little support when she was a baby. He even screamed at me 3 weeks pp because I asked him to take the baby when I had mastitis and he was ‘tired’. With dd2 I didn’t ask for help with anything because he’s just useless. He did stop drinking, but only when dd1 had just turned one, and after he went on an all night alcohol/cocaine binge at a strip club and blew £2500 while keeping me on a very tight leash financially. I’ve never truly forgiven it.

im at present training to be a hcp but had to take 2 years off due to DH saying he was unable to pay for childcare. I got back in February and will qualify in June 2025 (just over a year left). Have thankfully secured childcare so this won’t be a problem. He doesn’t give me much financially but does pay all the bills. I’ll have to look at what I’m entitled to with benefits but money is not enough to make me stay because as I said, he offers very little financially to me other than bills.

I was happy with just dd1, he talked me into dd2 but now (which I wouldn’t change for the world obviously!) but constantly throws in my face how I wanted children and it’s my fault things are hard at home etc.

Sorry that probably doesn’t make much sense! I’m just ranting really 😆

He sounds awful and actually abusive OP, I’m so sorry.

What are your next steps, do you think? Sounds like it may be time to ‘get your ducks in a row’ as they say on here and make plans to leave.

I think most likely I will just ask him to leave and i will stay in our flat. It’s rented so no issues there. Not sure if he will willingly go but I will make myself very clear. No doubt he will blame it on the fact I’ve stopped the sertraline!

That sounds like a great plan! I admire your strength. It sounds like your life will be so much better without your ‘D’H weighing you down. The antidepressants seem irrelevant really, apart from the fact that they may have helped to muffle your true (totally understandable) feelings about him.

A friend of mine took sertraline for years. She came off it and wanted a divorce all of a sudden. She got a divorce and her life is about 500% better now. Follow your instincts!

Regards your update he seems like he has been a lot of the cause of your need for the meds and his behavior has been horrible and not supportive and I think you would feel you are able to breathe again once he is gone. I think you know yourself what you need to do but make sure you have some support in place also and even ring women's refuge to get some advice. You and your girls will be so much more relaxed and life will be easier in so many ways. Do you have any family or support in case he gets funny when you ask him to leave. Ring the police if he gets aggressive and get locks changed also once he is gone. Ring Citizens advice also or go to see them and see what benefits etc you will be entitled to and they can help you with paperwork etc. Think to the future and you won't know yourself in a few months and better to do it now while the girls are small. Wishing you all the best.