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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this an emotional affair?

3 replies

hadtonamechange12 · 29/09/2023 17:33

This is going to sound stupid... and I'll try to be brief.

I've spent the most intense week of work with a particular colleague, I had never met him in person until this week. I've had similar situations in the sense of being thrown in a different country for a week or two with a colleague I had never met before, but never with this conclusion.

Long story short we got along really well, we talked about everything and anything and it all was going pretty standard, until last night.... it turns out we both share some very, very unique thing about our past, a traumatic event that at I had never openly talked about apart from my DH.

It was so liberating and I felt like for the first time I could openly talk about it with someone who actually could empathise because we've been exactly through the same thing.

The immediate feeling has become confusing to say the least. We didn't say properly good bye to each other BUT we we talked over the phone for the last time and said our good-byes I started crying and realised I'm gonna miss him. I felt like an idiot. I also felt like I'm not alone somehow and that I'll always be there for him and he will be for me.

As I write this I'm still crying, mostly because I think the feeling is overwhelming. We both agreed our lives have been touched by each other, and they will never be the same.

So is this some sort of emotional affair or just a natural reaction to bonding over sever me trauma?

OP posts:
Caterpillargirl23 · 29/09/2023 18:26

If you've not told your DH about how you've bonded with this other person then yes you are heading towards affair territory.
Had you bonded with another woman over the trauma would you have told your DH?

Humanswarm · 29/09/2023 18:33

How well did you get on prior to the sharing of this unique past trauma?
As well as you should any colleague to work effectively with, I would guess.
This trauma bond..it's significant but it doesn't define you. All your other past experiences with your husband up to this day define you.
Box this, be grateful for the connection and validation of your feelings. Appreciate it happened. And then...move on with your life as it was with the knowledge, someone, somewhere gets it. That's enough.
No need to risk what you have...

hadtonamechange12 · 29/09/2023 19:14

No, because I've never met any women with the same experience. However, I've connected over it way more than with my sister (the trauma in itself caused a family drift). I would say however that if he had been a woman I would have bonded the same way.

I got along ok with him in a "cool I have a new friend" type of thing but nothing earth shattering.

OP posts:
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