Anyone got experience of autism and divorce?

[MidWeekDrinks]

I'm trying to leave my husband. My son is autistic. 6 years old. Just smashed up the garden because his teacher wasn't at school today so had a supply teacher. He literally came home and raged. I tried to stop him and he threw a metal bin at my face

I don't think DH makes any of it any better. He gets v frustrated and angry.

My question is about 5050. He simply will not cope with going from house to house. Every day we have lots of prep for what is going to happen that day. I print pictures of things he is going to do. We have now and next boards. I didn't know his teacher wouldn't be there today of course and it has caused huge amounts of distress, damage.

My soon to be ex husband will not do any of prep stuff and DS will get really really bad without that and with changing where he sleeps.

Does anyone know whether courts take this into consideration?

Would he want 50/50?

Does he want 50/50? my oldest is autistic and my ex won't have her because he finds it too hard

I think it can vary so much. 2 of my dds have ASD. the youngest was 7 when we separated last year. I am her main care giver and I still am. We moved out of the family home so we had lots of chats leading up to that and I bought a couple of books on Amazon about it - I think one was called ‘my family is changing’.
we talked about how we’re still a family but a different type and how she has 2 houses now. She was excited about her new bedroom and has adapted and taken it in her stride really well. She just accepts she has two houses now but she isn’t with her dad that much (alternate weekends plus Mondays after school). I have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I write out the week so she knows if it’s a Mum weekend or a Dad weekend.

in contrast my 15yo dd with autism has struggled more as she’s also dealing with exam stress leading up to GCSEs. She doesn’t like moving between and very early on said she didn’t want to move between houses on school nights (fair enough). She does mostly stick to the alternate weekend plan but sometimes refuses and I can encourage her but at her age can’t force her. When we moved out she moved nearl all the nice things from her room to here and now feels that this is her home and can’t get on board with the two houses idea at all.

So I think it’s hard to know! But in my experience is easier when they’re younger. He may adapt better than you think.

I don't know if he would want 5050. He will say so at the start I'm sure. H finds it very hard and it makes me shout and swear but he has no self awareness that he finds it hard and always justifies his anger as "to be expected" .

@User63847439572 thank you for your reply. EOW would be fine. I think we could manage that. Just at school we go through what he'll have for lunch etc and H won't do that with him. I think him having EOW would work because they can do special things together but he needs a base and he needs the school routine especially to be very very set.

He is in mainstream school.

I'm hoping H and I can come to an agreement with no courts but wondered if we did end up there if they might understand ASD means really important to have routine

Oh god sorry no @Diddleflop writing in a rush. It makes HIM shout and swear but then afterwards when I say "you find DS hard" he will say "i don't find it hard, I'm angry because he's being awful, it's understandable and reasonable response"

@Diddleflop I really really want that to be true.

I think I need legal advice. DS today was completely out of control. Its so hard and H just does not and will not learn how to respond. He responds with rage himself and the results can be terrifying. I need to know if I can stop overnights for example. DS always tells me he wants daddy to live somewhere. H takes that as evidence I'm too "soft" on DS

Taking legal advice is a good idea.
my stbxh did/does talk about 50/50 as he knows it worries me. But I try to take deep breaths and think actually yes, if the girls were happy with that and felt safe and secure then some more time to myself would be lovely. The problem is I know they wouldn’t want it. But try to relax about it. He may not want the reality of it either (mine didn’t). You fight for your son and so what you think is in his best interests, your dad will have to take you to court if he disagrees with that.

Also should say I’m not sure where I read it but I did read that children are generally able to cope with things being done differently at mums house and dads house and there being different rules at each.

I'm not sure why @Diddleflop responses all got deleted. I don't remember anything particularly controversial

@User63847439572 thank you yes I will get legal advice. How does your X respond to your DD if she doesn't want to go round there? I know H will blame me and say I'm too soft or that I do things that make them attach themselves to me. He says this already now when they only want me at bed.

It does seem like such an upheaval and I really have sympathy with your DD - I would struggle with 2 homes but I know its best. The alternative is nesting but you have to be pretty amicable.

Are you happy you've done it?

I’m so happy I’ve done it yes. 100%.
I still get a lovely feeling putting the key in the lock of this little house that’s just for me and the DC.

he responds a bit like that - says that I should’ve told her she has to go. I just try and keep calm and say I will always encourage her but at her age cannot force her.

it is stressful but very preferable to still being with him.
all situations are different but I do believe it was the right thing to do for them too, I didn’t want them to think that’s what a good relationship is like.

Also should say I’m not sure where I read it but I did read that children are generally able to cope with things being done differently at mums house and dads house and there being different rules at each.

This may hold true for NT children, but child in question is autistic so this isn’t helpful.
Hopefully he won’t want 50:50 OP. Be brutally honest here regarding what is best for child. It’s not acceptable for his way of parenting the child to be losing his temper so even if he wants 50:50 then morally you have to fight it.
Even with EOW contact DC struggled big time took days to regulate him again afterwards. He can only cope with a couple hours at a time with his father.

I had a step son who was autistic. Used to go to their dad at the weekend. Not long after we had a phone call and he couldn't cope, the boy wasn't coping and he came home.

I don't think this is counterproductive. You and your husband need to be able to support your son at each other's home. Otherwise you will be doing it all and that is not healthy. IMO

No offence. We all need a break from neuro typical children. How will you cope if it's all on you?

@Crunchingleaf yes. I have been planning my departure for some time, saving money, DS has been relatively settled albeit hugely attached to me, and then his teaxher was off sick, supply teacher and the meltdown when he got home...he was trying to tear doors off. H shouting and then disappears for hours. And it just made me think FUCK...firstly reminded me how careful I've been with routines and that's made me forget slightly the response when the routine breaks but also how DH makes DS more upset...shouting "you are being awful and making everyone in this family so sad. You are so naughty" after DS had calmed down and was in my arms...made DS wail again and start hitting me.

And i just thought dear god I don't think I can leave. I can't allow DS to be with DH alone 50%....neither of them will cope

@Lucious1000 I will cope far far better than I do now. H makes things worse, not better. I have no fear of doing it alone, or being a single mum, my only fear is DH and DS being alone together and me not having any say to bring him back home if he's struggling. I have breaks. He's in mainstream school. I work full time. He's in bed at 7.30. I don't want any more breaks.

@User63847439572 oh that sounds so nice! Lovely. I daydream about that feeling. Respect to you for doing the tough but right thing. I'm finding it so so hard.

I know about the role modelling relationship thing. H is becoming more of a sexist pig, the more irriated he is by me the more sexist it becomes..."I thought you were cooler than other women when I met you but turns out you're a nag too"....and I would hate for my son to mirror that.

Chances are. Unless your husband wants to spite you, he won't want to deal with it and maybe at some point, just like with my 2 step kids, they did not want to be at the dads house.

My exes ex husband was very quick to pick up the phone to say his son isn't coping and needs to come back to us, instead of dealing with it like I/we had to.

DS always tells me he wants daddy to live somewhere.

Please listen to what your son is telling you, or rather it sounds like you are doing the right thing in listening. It’s really unusual for a child to ask not to live with a parent- usually children want their parents to stick together no matter what- so if he’s feeling this and telling you it sounds as if your plans are good ones. I’ll eat my hat if he really wants 50-50.

I get that it feels like a massive risk to you. And whilst I would love to say, have faith in the system that the needs of the child will be put first, I think we all know that ‘the system’ doesn’t always get it right.

in theory, the needs of your son will be taken into account as will his wishes, obviously a greater emphasis would be put on those as he gets older.

presumably if it’s very difficult and your son is very unsettled and upset surely your husband would either find a way to manage and meet his needs appropriately so that your son is happy with him, or he would not insist on as much time with him. Do you think ultimately your husband is capable of putting your sons best interests first?

I get that it’s very scary. I think perhaps in your shoes j might think about trying it and seeing how your husband responds and how it pans out. Staying in your current situation sounds like it’s detrimental to your son anyway. I think you have to give your husband a chance to see if he can meet your sons needs alone and to see how it goes. Many many men say they want 50/50 and then it doesn’t materialise. But of course there are no guarantees.

you could frame it that if your worst fears are realised ie. Your husband insists on 50/50 against your will and you feel it’s harmful to your son and the authorities don’t take that on board, you could consider reconciling and try again when your son is older.