Please help me manage my emotions - they are out of control. DH moving on.

[catin8oots]

I apologise in advance if this ends up being a long one.

I have been separated from H for 7 years. I could not continue to live with him as he is chaotic, messy, irresponsible and we clash like wolves. However, for the past 7 years I have maintained some sort of relationship with him for the sake of our DS (13). H lives in his brother's house in a town that is one hour away from me. He has never been able to provide a home/room for DS.

For the last 7 years, he has visited DS here at my home. On weekends, sometimes during the week - he has stayed on our sofa, eaten family dinners with us, walked out shared dogs. My home is close to his work.

I have never wanted to be back in a 'proper' marriage with him but we have muddled along as a family unit.

At the start of the summer he suddenly went weird on me - not answering his phone, ignoring messages. He then cut all contact with me and didn't see DS for 11 weeks. He just kept saying - oh he's a teenager now, he wants to be with his friends at the weekends. The only way I can contact him now is via his brother. I have to text every week to ask for my maintenance money.

I have subsequently found out last week that he has got a new girlfriend from round about the point he went funny on us. I don't care about the girlfriend. Or maybe I do? But I'm fuming that he has ditched DS. I feel like he used us for 7 years until he managed to find someone else.

My feelings are wild. I don't know if it's anger, jealousy, grief, or everything mixed together. Why couldn't he be decent? Why didn't he divorce me if he wanted to start a new relationship? How can he just not bother with his son? It doesn't help that since he's not been around DS has had some quite serious behavioural issues. I asked him on Monday to take him for a few days as I needed a break. He has now dumped him at his brother, who is caring for him.

It's all such a mess and my head is spiralling and I don't know how to deal with it all.

So for years he was sponging off you, living in your house when he felt like and turning up to help DS now and again. Were you also having sex so he got that too?

And now, he's found some other women (who I will put money on is someone who is now facilitating all his needs from somewhere to sleep, food provided, sex on tap etc) and he's promptly dumped you and your DS?

I feel desperately sorry for you and even more so for your DS, but it does rather sound like the only reason he stuck around was because you made it easy for him. I think you have go with being angry now on your DS' behalf. His dad has abandoned him and he is naturally upset and hurt.

Oh OP. It's hard when you have found a way forward that works for you and he suddenly throws everything up in the air.

But, realistically, it was going to happen at some point that one of you met someone else. It's a bit harsh to say that he should divorce you first - he probably didn't expect to meet someone until it happened, and divorce can take a year or two to sort out.

It's absolutely rubbish that he hasn't seen DS for 11 weeks and that he's palmed him off on his brother. Focus your anger there, rather than your own feelings around him moving on.

How is DS getting to school if your ex lives an hour away?

Well, it’s maybe mourning for what you can never have - your family unit of the three of you. Why did you not get divorced? Perhaps you could try to focus your anger on sorting out a divorce and getting a regular maintenance payment, without having to ask for it.

The fact that he gave DS to his brother to look after is reason enough to be grateful somebody has taken him off your hands. He's a using waste of space by the sounds of it. I'm so sorry for your DS but if nothing else it sounds like he has a great uncle who steps up when needed. At least that's something.

You've articulated everything I know. I think I always knew he was using me, but in my head I dressed it up that he was trying to be there for DS.

I feel like 7 years of my life have been stolen.

The reason why I didn't coke for divorce is because I didn't feel the need to. More fool me.

Uncle is driving him back and forth to school. DS is now saying he doesn't want to come home he wants to stay with uncle.

I feel like I've fucked everything up.

You have done nothing wrong. I feel for you. You can tell your son to come home and explain how you feel about the situation.
Seems like you'd be happier with just you and your son moving on together with your lives.

Maybe he is asking to stay with the uncle because he is the only one who seems to provide stable foundations.
You have been blind the last 7 years but hopefully no more. Ask your son to return and that from now on no more dramas, no more half arsing things, the attention will be all on him and you getting it together and providing a stable environment. The only way from here is up, look ahead and concentrate on yourself and your son, don’t waste anymore years.

Don't feel bad about this, I totally get where you are coming from and why you did what you did - you were trying to make the split easier for your son and trying to provide some stability for him.
But in reality it probably helped you too because it was a 'halfway house' between being married and being a single mum. Of course, it definitely helped your DH and made things much easier for him!

I understand why you now feel confused, jealous, angry and a whole mixture of feelings which can be overwhelming and hard to process.

I was in a similar position although my exH didn't abandon the kids completely when he met someone else, but they definitely slipped right down the pecking order.

I realised then that he had been online dating the whole time I had been inviting him here to see them and feeling sorry/guilty that he saw them less than me even though it had been his choice to move out.

But actually he had just been enjoying having meals cooked for him and the faux family time - until he had sorted someone else to keep him entertained.

However upsetting it all is, the truth is, you couldn't carry on in that halfway state forever, at some point one of you had to make the break and move the end of the relationship on.

Your DS will come back to you, presumably his Uncle doesn't want to take him on full time forever?
You haven't messed things up, he's your son and you have been his main carer and will continue to be and to put his needs first.

Ultimately he will see that and appreciate it. He will come to his own conclusion about his father and the way he has put his own needs first.

Speak to a solicitor and initiate divorce proceedings.
Good luck x

Thank you for all of your wise words.

I have spent the last 7 years reminding myself about all the awful things he did to me and why we can't be together.

Now it's like a switch has been flicked and all I can remember are the good times. I keep playing them over and over.

WTF is wrong with me?

Oh God, been there too. Probably because you aren't properly together so the tension is gone. And because the way he is with the new partner is how he was with you at first.
Try to get that anger back, there's a reason you aren't together.

I just wish he could have stood on his own two feet. Found himself a place, set up for his son to visit/stay

But of course he has to wait for another mug to pick up where I left off.

Everyone pointed it out to me for years and I was a stupid idiot with my head in the sand

This sounds really difficult.

Often the best way to deal with difficult emotions is to allow them, and experience them. Feel that rage, disappointment, sadness, & anger. You can feel them and be ok. They aren't permanent: they will pass.

You'll come out the other side wiser & lighter & be able to move on.

And practice saying no so next time he wants something "no" will roll off your tongue automatically

If she's any sense she'll dump his deadbeat arse. If it happens be prepared, he might come crawling back. You need to do now what you should've done seven years ago and don't beat yourself up, it won't help.

Before he was still potentially available and now he has someone else, he sounds an uninterested dad, I hope you find peace and move on, you’ll def be stronger for it.