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Original poster

Husband's family

24 replies

Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:23

I am currently unwell (quite badly - not e.g. a cold!) and my husband's parents would like him to spend tomorrow with him to celebrate their wedding anniversary. I was not invited (not that I could go but that's not the point). They have not even asked if another weekend might be more convenient. AIBU to find this selfish?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:24

p.s. is it common to expect your adult children to celebrate your wedding anniversary?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 29/09/2023 09:26

How unwell are you.. as in is he at work today and you are coping at home by yourself or do you need someone with you?

Do you have kids/dogs etc that need looking after tomorrow?

Clearly there are tensions between you and his parents if you were never invited to join this anniversary celebration anyway so it probably wouldn't surprise me that your illness wouldn't cause them to switch things...

Big question is what is husbands response to this...

sunflowerandivy · 29/09/2023 09:27

Do they know you're ill?
I think if you're I'll and ok for a few hours in bed then let him go. But then I hate my in-laws and wouldn't want to go and I hate people fussing over me when I'm ill

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 29/09/2023 09:27

Would you have been invited if you were well?
Is it a significant anniversary (one with a nought on the end) and they have Stuff planned?
Do they usually want the family to celebrate anniversaries with them?

jiinglebells · 29/09/2023 09:27

I'm not sure I'm big on celebrating other people's anniversaries unless it's a big one (like a 50th!). Another weekend might be more convenient for you but perhaps not the anniversary celebration!

Is there a reason they just invited him but not you?

It depends how ill - are you ill enough to need constant supervision or physical help to do things? Or can you bumble along alone but it's not preferable? Are you trying to look after DC or anything when ill?

TGGreen · 29/09/2023 09:32

Why aren't you invited?

Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:35

They do know I'm ill, yes. I'm ill to the extent that I can't go out independently atm (which I hate!) or do basic tasks at home as my mobility is limited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:42

It's a big-ish anniversary but it was months ago and they like their adult children to mark their anniversary each year with a dinner or lunch. I don't know why I'm not invited. I've long felt that they don't like me (they tried to intervene in the relationship years ago) but that always seemed to be more about their inability to accept that their son had grown up (he is in his 40s!!) as opposed to being about anything about me specifically. I've always tried very hard to be neutral and pleasant as I don't ever want to come between them, but this just feels quite disrespectful. But maybe I'm overreacting.

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 29/09/2023 09:44

Are you ill to the point where you wouldn't be able to be alone? As in, if DH goes out you will need to get someone else in to help you?

How long will he be gone?
What's the backstory as to why you wouldn't be invited?

Broadly, I would say it's not unreasonable to invite your DCs to celebrate your wedding anniversary with you and (depending on the history between you and them) it's also not unreasonable to not want to spend a special day with someone you don't get on with.

But there are lots of variables here so I'm reserving judgement!

Madamwahselle · 29/09/2023 09:44

fuck that!

Epidote · 29/09/2023 09:45

It s bit selfish- is, but it is their celebration. It depends if this is just a one event or if they let you on the side frequently IMO.
If is one event I would forget about it. If not I would know from where they are coming and have a word.

Background is important in this situations.

Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:47

@Madamwahselle 😂 thanks, these are my thoughts tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:49

@TidyDancer I won't ask anyone else to come in but only because I'll just stay in bed or on the sofa while they celebrate. And yes, this has happened before. With holidays! Not that I'd want to go on holiday with them but that's not really the point

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 09:50

@Epidote Not a one-off. Would you have a word with them directly?

OP posts:
Fushia123 · 29/09/2023 09:54

Try to let this one go. It doesn’t sound as though it would be a very pleasant or comfortable event for you.

Azaeleasinbloom · 29/09/2023 09:56

I would not bring it up with the ILs but I would be talking to DH.

I would ask him why I was being excluded ( are other DIL or SIL around and are they similarly excluded?)

As to holidays, much as I loathed the one and only time we did go on holiday with DHs family, I would not be happy if DH and I were not at least talking about it and agreeing - I would want a quid pro quo - you go off and leave me with the responsibilities of home, possibly using family money to do so, then I would expect to do the same without complaint.

But overall, I would generally take it as a win that I did not have to waste my time on them ( well MIL, FIL was lovely)

Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 10:27

@Azaeleasinbloom No other ILs around for comparison. His sibling is in their 30s but still not really matured so often stays at the parents' home and regularly organises family meet-ups to which I'm also not invited.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wotty · 29/09/2023 10:28

@Azaeleasinbloom Relieved to hear that I'm not alone in not enjoying time with ILs!

OP posts:
Epidote · 29/09/2023 11:29

@Wotty, I would speak with my husband first, he may not noticed it, he may noticed it and leave it because he doesn't want confrontation or he may fully aware of it and not caring as he should.

Then, depending on his answers I would have a word with them.

Mari9999 · 29/09/2023 11:44

@Wotty
Are you so limited that your husband is taking time off from work to be with you 24/7 ? If not, how can his attending the ceremony be any different than his going to work?

What exactly would you say to the ILs? It seems as though you all know how you feel about and react to each other. How is this situation any different from any other holiday or celebration?

Focus on your healing rather than on something that has been the status quo for quite some time.

Hbh17 · 29/09/2023 11:51

This is a win-win. Husband makes his parents happy, and OP gets to spend a lovely, quiet day on the sofa. Perfect! I've never met an adult who would expect another adult to spend all day at home with them when they're unwell, tbh. Just peace and sleep is what's needed.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 29/09/2023 11:56

erm they’re not unreasonable to want to spend time with their children to mark big events. I don’t even think they’re unreasonable for asking when you are ill, I feel more that it is your partners place to decide if he should go or not and decline if you need someone with you (though it’s not Clear from your op how much help you need).

I think it is odd you aren’t invited to family events, but then it sounds like you don’t enjoy spending time with them so maybe that works out well for you. Again though I see that as more of an issue with your partner. Why is he not asking for you to be invited and/or declining if they are excluding you unfairly?

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 29/09/2023 11:57

What is it you WANT to say to them and what outcome would you want?

Hont1986 · 29/09/2023 12:52

Yes, YABU to find this selfish. Hope you feel better soon though.

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