Infidelity and sanity

[iamthemanny]

Married 23 years - Both Mid 40s

2 months ago my wife (now estranged) announced she had been having an affair for 4 months. She said she wanted to leave me (and my just secondary school age) kids. The kids saw and heard all this.

She then ran away to her evil friend and took the kids !!! Even though I am a stay at home dad. She still sees kids as I was forced into agreeing a 50/50 split. Solicitors now running things.

Turns out it is some guy from work. So I think 4 months is a lie.

8 weeks in she is trying to force this guy to meeting my kids. They have seen things from her moving out 2 days after she left, that no child should ever have seen. She asked them to pack her stuff for her. Sick !!!

She is not acting like the mother she was and now has a place ready for him to share with her. She is obsessed with this guy.

My kids have asked to see a shrink and support from school and the church I go to.

2 questions please

Is 8 weeks too soon for my kids to meet this homewrecker?

No lady I have spoken to can understand how she could do any of this and lie to her kids for 4 months pretending we were still a family. Particularly as they are now receiving professional support.

Do people with experience of Infidelity recognise this kind of behaviour or has she lost the plot?

I am still in pieces, she carries on like life is normal and does not care about anyone other than herself.

Thanks for any help. I

You can and probably should fight this not just let it happen.

What other women would do is pretty irrelevant because it's happening.

Can you afford to be a SAHP now?

@iamthemanny yep nothing here surprises me. Your reaction and wording is also unsurprising. It is a completely life altering, life shifting occurrence. Please don’t underestimate the deep shock you’re in and the trauma you’re experiencing.

FWIW I absolutely agree that children should not be introduced to affair partners for a reasonable amount of time. The expectation on children to adjust quickly and cope by adults to suit their needs is absolutely selfish and entitled but sadly I don’t believe legally you can’t stop her.

You can plead to her better nature (there’s research out there supporting a significant wait) but I can’t see that working as she is moving in with this man and I’m guessing that is where she’ll do her 50% of the care from.

IMHO your best route forward is to be a safe place for your children while you try to heal yourself. This is no easy task I get that but they need a grounded adult with their best interests at heart to feel safe during this rocky time.

To understand better her odd and obsessive behaviours and complete change in character it might be worth getting yourself a copy of ‘leave a cheater gain a life’ and please get yourself on the ‘surviving infidelity’ website as you’ll get ongoing sound advice from really knowledgable posters. Post what you’ve posted here on the just found out board and you’ll be pleased you did.

I truly am sorry you’re in so much pain. Time is a healer, I promise.

Sounds normal behaviour of someone who's having an affair and wants to be with the other person.

My ex was astoundingly cruel to me and our children when he left. Didn't care about anyone but himself.

Stay strong and do what's best for your children, Always put them first and that way they know they can always rely on you.

If she continues to pay yes. I have a part time job, trying to increase my hours but not simple sadly.

i am fighting all the way to protect my kids. I have a top solicitor, wasting stupid amounts of my kuds money.

I am so sorry you're going through this. Her behaviour is sadly not uncommon for someone who has cheated and become infatuated in my experience 😓. Doesn't make it right though.

Thank you so much for all your help :), I am using that website. I did not realise about the forums, that is so helpful.

Yes, I will protect my kids like a lion. My family sorted out all the professional support fir the kids, I am also having counselling.

Sadly the ones who always lose out in these situations are the kids.

Make sure you are the one to prioritise them and always talk to them and ask what they want to happen. They are old enough to have an opinion and make their own decisions about where they want to be etc.
As someone on here once said, and it really stuck with me, this is their only childhood, it's not your wife's only relationship or her new partners'. Protecting their childhood takes priority over everything else.
Good luck, been there and I know how horrible it is but you will survive it.

Of course it's too soon. I don't know her to say whether this insanity is new or if she was always selfish and you finally can see it. Maybe ask your therapist for their insight because they probably know more about your life and should be trained to have deeper perception of human behaviours and patterns.

If your kids are in secondary school I assume they are just pre teens or teens and the can have a word of when, where and with who they want to spend more time, so 50/50 doesn't have to be in this case the preferred option by them.

Get advice and take your share of everything to enable to build a good future for you and them.

And remember that she is not your friend.

I really feel for you, that was awful to read.
You must be in a state of shock.
I'd try to concentrate on getting help for yourself and your DC to process what's happened.
Try to draw a line under your wife's behaviour, as hard as that will be, you will drive yourself mad thinking why / what if and there's absolutely nothing you can do to change what's happened.
DC meeting the OM is far too soon but realistically what can you do to stop it when they are with your wife?
The only way is for your DC to refuse but that would be very hard for your DC to do, to go against their mother.
In your position I wouldn't throw good money at solicitors, I'd agree to 50/50 and concentrate on your relationship with your DC.
50/50 is sometimes in the best interest of the DC so that they maintain a relationship with both parents, in this case with a OM in the background Im not so sure it's in their interest.
In your position I'd be horrified at the thought of my wife and the OM planning on playing happy families with my DC.
I think your wife is very selfish and should be ashamed of herself.
You otoh sound like you have the best interests of your DC at heart.
Don't let this ruin your life, make a plan, up your hours or get a new job, go out for a pint, gather your friends and family around you for support.
You'll get through this, you sound like a lovely person and I'll be thinking of you.
If you were a woman I'd end this reply with "chin up, tits out, you've got this"
❤️

Even if you had separated amicably, the kids should not be introduced to a new partner after 8 weeks of mum and dad not being together. My ExDH had an affair and it’s hell on earth. However what you are going through is just on another level, so I don’t know how you are coping at all. Just try and stay strong for your kids.

😂😂😂😂. Thank you so much. Man boobs allowed 👍🏻

Yes 8 weeks is too soon and unfortunately yes her behaviour seems to be normal in this sort of situation. My ex DH did similar and some of the things he has said and done astound me. He's not the same person I thought he was

I'd advise talking to your children and let them know that they do not have to meet their mothers new partner if they don't want to. I assume they are over 11? If so their views will be taken into account regards where they live and the split of time. If they would rather live with you and see their mum EOW that is their choice

sadly it’s all about her which feels like a knife in the back.

I'm so sorry op. It is shattering I know.

Can her parents reason with her at all?

You will need a lot of time to process this. Be as strong as possible for your kids in the meantime, which I know is very difficult.

I've been on both sides of things @iamthemanny - I'm not proud to admit it and regret it hugely - but in my first marriage (in my 20s) I completely lost the plot when obsessed with someone else and behaved in ways totally alien to me and my normal moral code. We ended up divorced and I never got the chance (quite rightly) to make things right as he met someone else quickly. Having said that it did start because I genuinely felt totally irrelevant in Hs life and I was genuinely unhappy.

No, they are a waste of space

@Susieb2023 Thank you so much. That book is amazing, but also hilarious. Tells it as it is with real language :)

@iamthemanny glad it helped!! It really opened my eyes to just how utterly depressingly common the behaviour of cheats during affairs is!