DW has left. Asking for advice and reassurance.

[ScreamingIntoTheVoid]

First time poster here looking for advice and if possible some reassurance and encouragement that things will be OK.

Last month my wife of 15+ years left me. Some of the reasons she gave were down to me and some down to her. Luckily they all are ones that can hopefully be worked on and, coupled with the fact she agreed there are loads of good things about our marriage, this means she has agreed to a trial separation to try and reconcile our marriage. She says she still loves me deeply. We start couples counselling in mid October which seems to be later than it should be but she has asked for the time to sort things out in her head first.

I have been devastated by this and am struggling to function properly each day, and am willing to do anything to make this work. I have also been completely blindsided by this as up until only 2-3 weeks before everything seemed to be going really well. I've looked back at texts and things from only 1-2 months ago and they give no indication of any issues (quite the opposite) My worry is that this sudden change could have been caused at least in part by some mental health issues (she has had some personal trauma this year) and a mid-life crisis, but if that's the case then I have no idea how we can tackle this. On the other hand, if that's the case then it might increase the chances of us being able to fix this and get back together? She has admitted that she is still confused about what she wants, on more than one occasion came close to cancelling moving out and has missed me a lot more than she thought since she moved out.

She also asked me this week if we'd be able to be friends if this didn't work out as she will always want me in her life. I am probably overthinking this but this has freaked me out, making me worry that if she is asking this then this is currently what she wants. I don't think this trial separation is going well so far, partly as we never actually set ground rules for it. I tried to but she got cross and said to wait until couples counselling so they could advise.

I am overanalysing everything she says which is annoying her, but I am just so distraught and confused by the situation. Honestly, if I wrote down all the good things about our relationship that she admitted you might be baffled that we're not currently happily married. And she still tells me she loves me, likes hanging out with me and we've slept together a few times. I'm trying to not think too much about this until we can start couples counselling and start talking properly about this.

In the meantime, does anyone have advice on what I should do over the next three weeks? And is there anything from what I've said that I cling onto as an indication that things will work out? And does anyone have any thoughts on that sudden switch in how my wife has been in our marriage?

Well things will work out, whatever happens. I honestly think you would be better off doing two things.

1. Take a step back- realize that you could and can survive a separation/divorce and that (to borrow a phrase) “other people have sovereignty too”, by other people I mean you.
2. Ask yourself if you really should feel blindsided. Has she being trying to tell you for years, and you have ignored or thwarted her attempts to actually talk. How do you actually react if she starts conversations you don’t like?

As difficult as it is, the best thing you can do is not ‘cling’ in any way. Don’t cling to things she says and just don’t cling in general.

I know it’s very difficult but I think your only hope here is to try and dial back any desperation as much as possible as that will only make it worse and push her further away.

There's a chance she has met someone else and is currently very torn between new excitement and old security.

Try to give her as much space as possible, hold back and maintain your dignity, whichever way this goes it can only help you to hold yourself up.

It doesn’t sound like you’ve really temporarily separated if you’ve slept together several times since she moved out! She’s all over the place, and you are too… your confusion doesn’t surprise me.

I think you need to put some boundaries in between you, and wait for the counselling to start.

Work out what YOU want in the meantime.

It takes two people to make a marriage and two people to break it. The signs were probably there, but a lot of men (anecdotally IMHO) don’t pick up on them. My ex certainly didn’t despite months of marriage counselling, although I’ve come to terms with the part I played in the breakdown.

@ScreamingIntoTheVoid I think it's really important to be calm and non clingy and carry on with life because I know myself what I wanted was space in my head to think things through and clear time apart - not being asked, what are you thinking , where are you going, how do you feel etc- that pissed me off more- What will be, will be - so retain your dignity . It may indeed be she doesn't see you in a sexual/relationship way particularly any more but likes you as a friend - so is factoring that into the equation now and hence why she asked.

When I was much younger (20s) I broke up with a partner because among other smaller things, I didn't think he appreciated me and my naive expectation was that he'd be shocked at losing me, grovel to get me back and never take me for granted again. He was indeed shocked and incredibly upset but he respected the break up, never contacted me again and eventually married the woman he met 4 months later!

My point with this is to consider if this could be an unhealthy way of getting you to realise you've been taking her for granted in which case playing it cool might not be the best approach..? Have you long stopped complimenting her, asking how her day is, giving her your full attention when she's talking, helping with the mental load of running a house, suggesting fun dates etc etc? If so she just might be looking for you to acknowledge you need to try harder and really start trying harder

All this really depends on the reasons she has given you.

But honestly, if she's moved out even before counselling, there is a lot less chance of coming back.

Is it feasible she has met someone else?

Presume no children involved? After 15 years- is that something that has ever been an issue in your marriage?

There aren't many details in your post about what the actual problems are between you so it's harder to tell what might be going on.

It also doesn't sound like there's a firm commitment on her side to work at things.

I think she's keeping you on hold while she decides what she wants (or possibly pursues someone else).

Start making a Plan B (life without her).

So she’s having her cake and eating it. She wants a trial separation but you’re still talking, hanging out and sleeping together.

I honestly think the best way for you both to get clarity is to cut contact completely during your separation, maybe even with an agreement that anything you do during this time is off limits as far as being open and honest later on. If she thinks you’re going to make the most of being single it might focus her mind a little. As it is, she clearly thinks that by still having sex with you that you won’t go elsewhere for it while you’re ‘apart’. Fuck that.

You need clear boundaries around what you can and can’t do while you’re on this trial - you know the Friends quote “WE WERE ON A BREAK”. You don’t need that coming back to bite you on the bum, so be clear what the break means for you. If she doesn’t want to discuss it just email it to her as a list of bullet points.

Stop giving her the emotional and sexual parts of a relationship without her commitment to fixing it. She won’t appreciate you.

Stop sleeping with her
Tell her no, you can't be just friends in future (too painful/stops you from being able to move on properly) so if you don't reconcile that'll be it, no contact as it's over at that point.

Sounds like she's got a bad case of itchy feet while not having the courage to set you free. Called wanting to have her cake and eat it.

Go into counselling with an open mind but protect yourself emotionally too. At some point - and not dragged out too long - she needs to commit or go.

Being 100 percent honest with yourself, are you sure you have no idea why she's feeling this way? I think deep down you must know at least part of it. Don't underestimate the toll that doing the majority of housework and mental load can extract from women.
However, she does sound a bit flaky and confused, best of luck op.

It would be useful to know the reasons she said she’s potentially leaving.

I also wondered if she’s met someone else or has someone else in mind…and agree with the PP who says stop sleeping with her, stop offering emotional support and make it clear you cannot be friends after splitting. That you love her and want her back, and want to talk it all out, but you won’t be a half way house, reassuring her whenever she wants it whilst she tests out a little independence and you suffer in limbo.

“I also wondered if she’s met someone else or has someone else in mind…and agree with the PP who says stop sleeping with her, stop offering emotional support and make it clear you cannot be friends after splitting. That you love her and want her back, and want to talk it all out, but you won’t be a half way house, reassuring her whenever she wants it whilst she tests out a little independence and you suffer in limbo.”

Totally this. It sounds like she’s got you at her beck and call at the moment and treating you like a toy she can pick up and put down when she feels like. You need to assert some independence and agency here. Take back some power. Give her a chance to miss you and realise what she stands to lose by walking away. At the moment, she isn’t having to experience any loss because you’re so available to her. Either way, she might stay gone but she’s more likely to miss you and come back if she has to really do without you now.

This is so hard for you, and I'm sorry you're going through it

I think you need to protect yourself. No more sex, no more friendship

Explain that you love her and want to work the issues out but in the meantime you must draw some boundaries

Don't pin everything on the counselling.

Try to do some things that will make you happy and nourish you

Start an exercise regime, go for saunas, massages, join a group to do with a new hobby. Anything which helps you stop fixating on her for a while

Look after YOU!

My money is thats she's met someone else