He made a joke about being a narcissist

[Crossaintqueen]

Do you believe that people tell you who they are?

Speaking to someone new and he made a joke out of the blue about being a narcissist. It wasn’t really relevant to the conversation we were having and it gave me pause for thought. So far there have been a few red flags but nothing major. Just wanting to hear thoughts/ opinions.

He's vain, shallow, materialistic, a bragger, pushy, tramples your boundaries, doesn't take no for an answer...is that what you're looking for in a partner? Most people wouldn't view that as "nothing major".

My ex told me he was psychopath and even sent me the results to a test he took online which he scored highly in.

Run

You can be a narcissist without having NPD - narcissism like most traits is a spectrum.

I’d say this is a case of “when someone tells you who they are, believe them”. He is aware he has narcissistic traits.

A now ex of mine once told me that he didn’t have emotions like other people, didn’t feel love etc, could just switch off his feelings if he wanted. I didn’t believe him at the time, but a lot of heartbreak later realised it was true. I really wish I’d listened sooner!

This just isn't true. Between 1 and 5% of people in the uk are estimated to have NPD. That's anything from 1 in 20 to 1 in 100 people.

People with NPD though want to look like the amazing, wonderful people they think they are so are actually often very popular or at least generally considered very nice. They're not crazed or nasty to everyone they meet. Often it's not at all obvious unless you are very close to them for a prolonged period - and that's when it comes out. It can be years and years of not understanding what is going on though.

They are shallow people - but beyond that they have a huge ego but no real self esteem and no real sense of who they are. They are chameleons and will be who you want them to be if they want to impress you. They need constant ego boosts aka supply and will manipulate conversations to get the constant positive feedback they crave because they have no genuine self esteem. But at the same time they think the whole world revolves around them, they are never to blame for anything (their non existent self esteem won't allow it) and if you should happen to point out their flaws then they will turn against you in an instant.

People are objects to them that are useful or not useful, they see no issue in using people for their own ends and assuming people are happy to be used by them because they are so amazing. They seek perfection and nothing and no one will ever be good enough, the pedestal they put you on at the beginning when they think you're perfect will soon come crashing down when they find out you're only human. They have low empathy and low remorse, they cut people out with ease. They will lie and gas light you and think it's because they are clever and you are stupid. The narrative in their head is far away from reality and they see everything they do through a very different lens to the average person.

It took me 25 years to realise my OH ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism and it was on here that I first heard the term. A year beforehand my OH had actually said to me that he thought he might be a narcissist (a lot of lies had come out and he said he didn't really feel empathy for people) and I said I thought not as he didn't go round saying how wonderful he was. But turns out he did have flashes of insight and when I showed him that actually he ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism he was right back to the narcissists prayer - I don't have narcissism, and if I do I'm not that bad, and if i am then it's no big deal, and if it is then it's not my fault (because I can't help having NPD right?) but if treating you badly was my fault, well at the end of the day you deserved it (because I'm amazing and you're not and you didn't appreciate those facts).

So after all that OP I would not be taking any chances with this guy, if he is a narcissist as he suggests then you won't have seen anything yet. This will be the teeny tinyist tip of the iceberg. Walk away now before the lies and gas lighting have a chance to start and you have no idea what is and isn't true. I promise you it is just not worth the risk.

Best post I've seen on here about narcs. Read this OP, really read it and take it in.

Sums up my situation completely.

Get out now is my advice. The earlier the better.

One of the most overused words on here. It's used so much to the point of it becoming meaningless.

There is a difference between narcissistic tendencies and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, everyone has narcissistic traits, some more than others.

It's only when you spend a long amount of time with someone, like a family member or a partner that you can gauge whether it's more than tendencies.

In my experience, the behavior and abuse was consistent and went way further than someone who has narcissistic tendencies. It was full on delusional, changing personality on the fly for varying people, nice in public but hate filled at home and rewriting the past multiple times to become a victim, becoming a new person entirely over and over in order to avoid responsibility.

It didn't just extend to me either, it happened to previous partners, all of our friends and our entire family. Every bridge was burned through hatred.

Bear in mind also that people with NPD are not likely to seek diagnosis, they are perfect, everyone else is the problem, they have to be. So, by that basis alone, the statistics are likely skewed and even then they can mask and not be diagnosed. That's why generally I believe NPD usually get diagnosed when they have done so much damage or are in a position that they are forced to by third parties, they won't admit it themselves, they are perfect.

@Crossaintqueen Mine I believe is covert so wasn't all about possessions and flaunting it but they did in other ways. However, the ignoring your feelings rings true, doing things regardless of what you say and also the friends and family.

Mine has lost every single friend through their behavior, they eventually saw another side and it took over ten years for the mask to slip and that slipped when they eventually spent long periods together. Family, they found fault in every single person over the years and cut them off one by one until eventually they did the same to me and discarded me. Now they are alone but has my children isolated with them.

Listen to your gut, I didn't and she nearly destroyed me and is still trying.

This.

No real need to put a label on it.

He does sound a bit self absorbed and for me that would be enough reason to not progress the relationship.

It doesn't really matter if he is a narcissist or just a selfish arse. Either way, he is not a suitable partner. Dump him.

Number 3 bothers me a lot because he appears to be popular and well thought of at work, so I guess part of me wonders why that hasn’t translated into real life friendships? Someone he worked with he use to call and chat to about work then they got diagnosed with cancer and went off on the sick and he hasn’t bothered with them since. No texts or calls to see how they are, I guess I thought it was quite cold.

thank for you all of the advice everyone. I know I do tend to be a sensitive cautious person so I’m always wondering “is this actually a red flag or am I just sensetive”.

OP, my partner is a narcissist who has self awareness. I won’t lie. Some issues come up again and again, and it can be exhausting. And this is despite him being in therapy and us having agreed on clear boundaries (we wrote them down).
If your partner is not seeing a therapist, and is also ignoring your boundaries you will have nothing but trouble down the line and you will suffer.

It's hard to say with the friends and family, like others have said that could be all manner of reasons. Mine seems to be they have so many issues with people, friends and family it's obvious it's them but they don't accept that.

Sickness wise, I found if they were sick the world had to stop and you were expected to become a nurse. Should you or others be sick, it seemed to be disgust and they wouldn't want to be around.

I’m always wondering “is this actually a red flag or am I just sensetive

And who decides whether you're 'too sensitive' or not? Where's the 'sensitivity barometer' they use?

Your attitude dismisses your feelings, and your feelings are the deciding and conclusive factor in whether you have an enjoyable life or not. Your feelings are the part of you that chooses whether to like being abused or not.

Wondering 'Is it just me being sensitive, or is it a red flag/abuse' is the trait in you that leaves you vulnerable to ongoing abusive relationships. Here are the 2 versions:

1. The unhealthy, vulnerable to abuse version: I feel uncomfortable with the way I feel around this person, but I'm probably just over-reacting, -sensitive, so I will give them the benefit of the doubt. This version involves questioning your feelings, i.e. not trusting your feelings to be in line with 'the truth'
2. The healthy, immune from abuse version: I feel uncomfortable with the way I feel around this person, and, because I respect myself, I will not repeatedly put myself in uncomfortable situations. I will distance myself from this person. This version involves trusting your feelings to be in line with your own truth, regardless of external influences.

Can you see the difference? It doesn't actually matter if something is 'a red flag' in anybody else's eyes. If you are not comfortable with someone's behaviour, and, after a quiet, calm chat to explain to them, it doesn't stop, then you distance yourself from them. There's no need to complicate matters with whether you're 'right' or not, because then, if you're 'wrong', you'll be obliged to keep putting yourself in uncomfortable situations anyway, because you won't suddenly like something you thought was a red flag, just because someone else says it's not.

Does it make sense? You can't be over sensitive, because there are no rules about how sensitive you should be. Nobody can tell you that there are, and if they try to, they are disrespecting you, and trying to force you to live to standards they set. You make the rules for you. You make the rules regarding what you will and won't accept. You decide for yourself what you like/don't like/want/don't want. Nobody gets to tell you how you should be, and you don't get to tell anyone else how they should be either. All you can do it draw closer or distance yourself, depending on how well people are aligned with you.

Nobody who will make you happy would have you asking questions about red flags and oversensitivity.

He meant what he said. He's a narcissist.

Thank you for all the replies. For some reason it wont let me directly reply to people.

Lots of people telling me that I should listen to myself and end it if it doesn’t feel right for me. I would be ok to give him a little longer and see how I feel around him but he appears to be in much deeper into the relationship than I am and I don’t want to string him along. I think I will probably end it. I do feel sad as he is a good conversationalist and funny but I guess ultimately I don’t trust him on some fundamental level and I’m going to listen to that.

but he appears to be in much deeper into the relationship than I am

That's also a sign of a potential narcissist early on - they have stars in their eyes for you and seem to have fallen hard and fast, and you end up feeling bad about potentially letting them down badly by admitting you don't feel quite the same way.

With narcissists, it's because they're in the idealisation phase - they see you, and your potential future together as perfect - and they are dismissing or ignoring any potential differences that could become problematic, or they have written a whole role for you in their head (eg "She's got a great job so we'll have a good lifestyle, we'll have one kid and she can stay home for six months and then go back to work so we don't have to compromise our lifestyle, she'll be a great mum and do all the kid stuff because she's really into kids, we'll have a great sex life just like we do now, when the kid is older I'll teach them surfing just like me while she stays home and prepares an amazing meal because she's a great cook... etc etc").

At some point conflicts will arise between the role/personality they've imagined for you and what you actually want, and then they will feel lied to/tricked and become aggrieved, despite the fact that the whole thing was a fantasy in their head in the first place.

He wants to move in together and we’ve only been dating for 4 months.

I asked what drew him to his exes and he said “they were all nice girls” and when I asked what else he was confused and didn’t really have an answer. There was no “she was funny” “we balanced each other out” “we had great hobbies” just…nothing.

He wants to move in together and we’ve only been dating for 4 months.

I asked what drew him to his exes and he said “they were all nice girls” and when I asked what else he was confused and didn’t really have an answer. There was no “she was funny” “we balanced each other out” “we had great hobbies” just…nothing.

Honestly... I think you have your answer, don't you? He's told you he's a narcissist, he's got multiple red flags for narcissism... if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's most likely a duck.

Having been through the absolute wringer with a narcissist, I would always play it safe because if you're sorry, you'll be very, very sorry.

He probably wants to move you in quickly so he can get some help with paying for that house he thinks is so great... or he has plans to do it up some more but needs a cashflow injection from a partner to do that. I should say that with narcissists, in the beginning there often appears to be a lot of money, but as you get enmeshed financially in the relationship, hidden debts, lack of savings, dubious financial arrangements etc typically start to come out of the woodwork.

If it's anything like mine it accelerated insanely fast right off the bat, it was intoxicating but in a good way, too good. Dating, moved in, engaged, house, married, children with brief gaps between.

In that phase, they also mirror you. Looking back now everything I liked, enjoyed and valued, even my personality was the same, it was like I was dating myself. Only, right after marriage, actually pretty much on the day, bang, a new person appeared. Although wanted to be married they seemed to not like being locked in.

Same with children, major need for children obsession almost and soon as they came, bang new person again and didn't actually truly care for them.

So familiar, though we never actually married.

@Crossaintqueen As far as I am aware it's a case of they see everything about you being fantastic, like a child with a new toy and they align themselves to it. I've seen mine many times over the years latch onto new people and almost become them, behavior changes, even take on sayings as if they've always said them.

It's weird when you see it but needless to say it doesn't last long. That toy gets boring and then they start devaluing and eventually discard it.

They also cycle ex's in the same way. For no apparent reason they decide to pick them up again and act like nothing ever happened, no matter how long it's been.