Your replies do have an impact - thanks MNers

[Levithecat]

A few years ago I posted about my DH’s odd behaviour, when he was meant to be in recovery from an alcohol issue. Everyone told me he was drinking again. I found the thread really confronting and chose not to act on anything. However, it sowed a seed, and that grew - it helped me be more suspicious, and challenged my naivety and desire for everything to be ok. It’s harder to convince strangers that everything is fine.

of course he was drinking again. And when I found out, I left him. We finalised our divorce last winter and after a spell of not having any access to our DC unsupervised, he has gone full into AA (which feels a bit like another addiction, but less damaging for our kids) and has had 9months of clear blood tests.

so I just wanted to say that, even when if feels you are banging your heads against a brick wall, what you say probably does go in, even if the poster isn’t ready to accept right away. posting here can be a very tentative but vital first step.

Interesting to read this OP. I have not been here long - my DP is six months dry - I have told him if he drinks again I shall leave. However it’s still hard to move on after the behaviour I have tolerated for so long.

I still feel bitter tbh Lola. He has gone down an AA rabbit hole which is preferable for DC sake but he’s so sanctimonious and still hasn’t actually taken accountability imo. Posting here did have a profound effect on me though, I had thought people would say something else/excuse him, but now I see how much he had gaslit me to protect his drinking. Hope you’re ok X

@Levithecat, yup, it's a personality type to replace one addiction with another. Everything in an alcoholic's family's life is about the alcoholism one way or another. If it's not the drinking, it's an obsession with staying sober.

Glad you got out. So many people buy into the bull and end up wasting their lives. Like my mother.

@Levithecat can I ask how you managed to restrict access from him ?
Just as I'm in a very similar boat

Hi @solice84 - I’m so sorry.
my view, solicitor’s view - and I guess also exH’s solicitors - was that he wasn’t safe alone with the children, and was a safeguarding risk. I had evidence to back this up, like him passing out on the sofa with baby DS and smothering him (I found them, but DS had to go to hospital), and friends seeing him drunk driving.

So he went along with my suggestion because I think he knew if it went to court he’d have even tighter restrictions. He only had the kids when he had another adult present (usually one of his parents). Then he got into AA and agreed to monthly blood tests, and we had a plan of staggered increasing access as time went on.

good luck. Happy to chat anytime

Hey OP what a great update.

I do get very disillusioned with some of the posters on here. Especially the DV ones, they say they're going to leave him and ..... never come back to the thread. And you just know they've gone back.

There's a thread at the moment where the Op's partner has done everything but be caught naked in bed with the boss he's having an affair with. But the OP is still not believing it.

So to hear that sometimes they do leave is heartening!

Well done OP!

Well done OP.

You have given your DCs the most amazing gift. I hope that you will focus on your healing as well.

Even your DH has benefited from your actions if he is sober now - although he sounds like a ‘dry drunk’.

In time you can give back to these threads.

I was similar to you - posted here was told I was an enabler - flounced off in horror but it sank in and finally I saw it crystal clear and he was gone. However he did have therapy and we eventually got back together - but when I ended the marriage it was 100% for definite - and it was the right thing to do for every single one of us.

My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner - and that I became an angry exhausted co-dep raging fool in those years. I should never have lost so much of my dignity and self.

My boundaries are muuuuucccchh higher now

We're sowing seeds. If and when they grow is up to the OP.

Glad to hear your garden is in full bloom.