Can I get past this? If so, how?

[DracunculusVulgaris]

Good evening. I am really struggling with something which causes me anxiety and distress and not sure if, or how, I can overcome this and would appreciate any thoughts.

I have been with my partner for 18 months and, for transparency, and the avoidance of doubt or obfuscation, I am male. I am neurodivergent and not always able to process thoughts or see things in the way that neurotypical people do. I am also aware that I am very sensitive and emotional, all factors which may, or may not, be relevant.

For many, many years my partner has attended a big national annual sporting event, ( to get drunk and gamble, but that is a seperate issue!), with a group of friends, including her closest friend, S, whom she has known since school. For a number of years she, and S, when they were both single, used to meet up with a group of men, who came down from London every year, especially for this event, and who used to take them out to dinner then drinking and dancing. She has told me, on four occasions now, that one year she and S got so drunk that they became seperated and she ended up going off in a car with several of these men. She has also said that she will never tell me what happened that night and that nobody knows except S. She has effectively told me, without telling me, what occured and has also said that, if she could turn back the clock, she is not sure that she would do anything different, which leads me to believe that, for her, it was a positive, rather than a negative experience.

I am really struggling with this, and, along with other very graphic detail about her sexual experiences with previous partners, it is killing my libido. I am not naive enough not to realise that everyone has a history and she has, as she has often pointed out, had more sexual partners than me - I have only ever had 4 sexual partners, am somewhat reserved and lacking in experience, not, as I realise myself, very proficient and a little bit 'vanilla'.

This is really hurting me, but not sure if I am being, as my partner tells me I am, oversensitive. And I do not know how to get past it and don't understand why she has had to raise it on several occasions, knowing that it causes me distress. For reference, I am 60 and my partner 59.

Sorry this is so long, but just need to get it out and canvas opinion as to whether or not I am being ridiculous. Thank you.

You necessarily may not be oversensitive. If is in her past and she is not willing to carry on with that sexual aspects just give the relationship a chance. However the disparity of libido between both of you may become an issue.
If she talks about it like she won a price when mentioning her past relationship and sexual encounters I would take it like a red flag.

I’ve dated people who enjoy telling about their past sex life in order to try and make me feel “jealous” or insecure. If anything it also just turns me off that person. I don’t think anyone wants to picture their ex partner doing things with someone else, especially when they may be very promiscuous.
There are things from my past that I’ll never bring up with my partner now, just like he knows what not to bring up with me.

Basically from what you’ve said it seems like you’ve got “the ick” which can happen in relationships and when dating. You’ve heard something about the person you’re with that’s maybe turned you off them and made you realise they’re not right for you. Maybe time to throw this one back in the pond and look for a new fish!

Who instigated these sorts of conversations?

I'm not sure there's any good that comes from sharing tales of sexual histories/exploits - it's really none of new partners' business unless there's an STI involved.

If you're turned off by her past, that's OK, just break up with her.

Would you like her to be ashamed and upset about her previous sexual experiences?

She can't change anything that's happened in the past so is it your hope for her to feel humiliated for being more sexually experienced than you?

If she's turned you off, she's turned you off. Why do you think you should try to get past it? It's your preference not to have a partner who does what she insists on doing. So don't.

She sounds like a walking red flag to me.

Why anyone would think it was a good idea to start telling you about their past like that is beyond me!

I think it's the height of disrespect.

Dating is for figuring out if you fit with the other person. If her past sexual experiences are a problem for you, that is nothing for which you should apologize or feel bad. Her sexual experience is not something for which she should apologize or about which she should feel bad. If her past is an issue for you, that's a sign of incompatibility.

What bugs me the most about your post is you say she sort of mocks you about it, brings it up all the time and makes snarky remarks. No matter what sexual experience she has, she should have enough human experience not to be a big jerk about stuff. Someone who cares about you does not do or say things that they know hurt you. And it's not enough for her to say, "I don't mean to hurt you." It's not enough to not want to hurt someone, you have to not want to hurt them. (Does that make sense? It seems very circular to me, I hope I'm getting my point across.)

If you can't or don't want to get over her past, you certainly don't have to stay with her. If you want to stay with her though, you will need to let it go. I would honestly be more concerned that she's unkind than that she's had an adventurous past.

Thank you all for your responses and thoughts, it is much appreciated.

@Epidote , yes, she does seem to be proud of it, hence having brought it up several times, despite knowing that it troubles me.

@Chelsea543 , this is just one of many factors which is making me question the relationship in its entirety, but it is one of the more significant ones! I have absolutely no need, or want, to know intimate details of her former partners or sexual history, but she seems determined to keep referencing these things and also asks for chapter and verse regarding my former partnerships, which I would rather leave in the past. And yes, being human, I do imagine her sharing intimacy with others in the past, which hurts.

@category12 , it is always she who instigates these conversations.

@WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory , no, I have no desire for her to feel ashamed of her previous history, or feel humiliated about being more sexually experienced, but I do not feel that it is neccessary for it to keep being brought up and making me feel humiliated, undermined, degraded and less than. There is so much more than this issue, which I outlined in a thread a few weeks ago, but don't wish to rehash on this occasion.

@Watchkeys , you gave me some very thoughtful, thought provoking and pertinent advice on my previous thread, which I am still digesting - thank you again.

@Dacadactyl , hmmm, yes, I find it disrespectful too, unneccessary and fail to understand the rationale behind it, and what positive purpose it serves.

@HoneyBadgerMom , yup! Unkindness seems to be behind many of the things she does, or says, not just this issue.

Thank you all again and please don't think that I am trying to diminish or 'rubbish' her in any way, far from it, it is just that this is eating away at me and I am aware enough to know that it will destroy our relationship unless I can move past it

I remember your thread before, yes.

What would she have to do to make you leave her? What's a deal breaker for you? How would you envisage your relationship being 'destroyed' if you can't get past this? How would that go?

I think you'll just go on forever, she'll keep pissing you off, and you'll think there's something you need to change about yourself because you can't seem to be happy with her.