Husband and time to socialise

[RumItOver]

The back story is my husband went to a funeral in a city and I went to same city with (then 4yo & 2yo) to stay with my siblings a couple of months ago. Husband said he would be home @ 12pm. He rolled home just before 5am having been uncontactable. I was very upset and was about to start phoning hospitals. We rowed. We made up and moved on over the following days. It was a mistake for me to go- we never go out and I thought we would visit a museum and do something special with the kids before he went out. I should have left him to it.

He just got back from work and informed me he is taking a couple of days off to go to a reunion as he will get very drunk so won't be able to contribute to our family life the following day. I have had a really emotional response to this. I know in part it is hormones as I am pregnant. But also on a completely practical level he thinks it is OK to leave me with a 3 month old waking every 2hours through the night to breast feed, and a 5yo & 3yo. I have little to no support. Both my parents are dead, family not close by and I am a SAHM which is both a privilege and a really hard thing. He is so angry with me and keeps saying I am saying he can never go out again. Sat in bed with the sleeping children crying my eyes out. Am I being completely unreasonable? What can I do to make it better? He so rarely goes out fwiw

How often does he go out and see his friends?
Do you take some time out to spend it with your friends?

Sorry, is the reunion in some months time when you have the baby you're currently pregnant with? Or is it soon and you have a 3 month old & are pregnant again?

I’m sorry that you’re crying right now, I’m sure everybody can relate to that horrible feeling. 💕

I can totally understand your feelings & whilst I always try and see these situations from the other side, I do really struggle when it comes to situations with newborns.

You sacrifice 9 months of going out / partying. You sacrifice feeling good in your skin with sickness, changes in your body, moods, etc etc.
Even once baby is here, some women still sacrifice their previous lifestyle due to breastfeeding.

A 3 month old baby still waking up in the night is something you want support on. Is not being comfortable with your partner going out during this time really that big of a deal?! It’s a lonely experience and all you’re asking for is support during a short space of time.

Once baby is older, you should both have each others backs. Every once in a while if there’s an event / party and one of you wants to go, the other should be like: ‘sure. I’ve got you on this one, I get that you might be hungover the next day too. It’s not all the time, we still need to have our own social lives outside the family, we aren’t just parents.’ - and that works both ways!!! You need time too!!!

Sorry but I personally feel like it’s just the way of life and we have to sacrifice sometimes during the early stages of baby’s life. There will be plenty more times for this in the near future!

I think a calm conversation explaining why you feel this way and that you aren’t asking him to give up socialising forever. That’s what I would do! And I’d hope the man I chose would be there for me on that.

Sending you love xx

Thank you @laminaHK I needed to hear that. The thing is we don't go out. We just started going on dates when I fell with this baby. We had 2 miscarriages last year (i was pregnant for 6 months in total) and lost my mum in the middle so socialising (apart or just away fro the kids) kinda just didn't happen between looking after our kids and just being in survival mode. He calmed down and we have talked it through... he admits he has completely erased what the sleeping pattern of a breastfed newborn looks like. We have agreed to revisit it once the baby is here. I need to try to keep control of my hormones and respond in a more level headed way and he needs to keep his anger in check. We also need to work on a healthier balance of having space from family- tho I have pointed out to him that our children won't let me out of their sight so although he can go out, as i am their primary caregiver it is much harder for him to have sole care of them. This is something we are aware of and are working on- wish us luck!

Sorry my op was a bit jumbled. In a few months time and I will have a 3 month old then. Its just crummy timing but we can make it work if he still wants to go

@Tenashelflife what this has brought up is that there is never time to go out. Just life with very small people and some very hard times recently. But we do need to carve out some time for him (and eventually me) to keep sane

Yabu. The guy is married not in jail.

Nothing stopping you from going out?

Honestly this is a certain way to make a man miserable

This sounds hard but I am sure there is a solution. I think the solution involves finding someone in the next however many months who can stay over for one night and help with the older kids if needed. Who will look after them when you give birth? Do either you or DH have a sibling who could help? I am sure there must be a friend, I can think of a handful of friends of mine with and without kids who would help me out in a similar situation. It just feels impossible now because of hormones etc but there will be a solution!

That sounds more difficult to get to grips with then if you’re not used to going out much.
You sound like you’ve both had a difficult time recently and I can understand why he’d like to get out & take his mind off of things. I’m sure you’d love that too, even if it’s not involving alcohol!

I think I’m understanding correctly that you’re pregnant right now? Well I hope you can both find some time for yourselves and for also being with each other. You’re not just parents, you are your own people too 💕 everybody needs a break.

happy to hear you’ve managed to have a calmer conversation.

& don’t be too hard on yourself - hormones are some crazy shit 😂 im currently expecting my first child so I can’t 100% relate to having other children with all of this going on, although I have been heavily involved with my sister & her children over the years - hence my opinions ! ☺️

I think there are a few points here

• him panicking that he'll never go out and have a big night out again. Yes he will, including one where he can get so drunk and forget all responsibilities- but not when you have a tiny one, and other kids, that's just not fair.

-What if there is an emergency? If he's making himself out of contact for a day just so he can be drunk, he needs to arrange someone to help you like book a night nurse or babysitter from HIS fun money pot so you're not on your own.

• would he be up for you having a day and a night off and disappearing for 24 hours - go and do a spa day if you don't want to get drunk? And him so absolutely eveything for all children? Even if you don't want to do this (eg if you're breastfeeding or don't want to be away from kids) get him to agree to this and have it in the bank for when you DO want to do it- you might also cash in this time in smaller doses like 2 hours off every Saturday afternoon for a few weeks to make up for the 24 hours he's taking off.

• have a chat with him about how having fun and socializing means 'getting very drunk' - is that something he's going to continue doing forever? It's fun maybe but also risky puts him at a high risk of injury or even death which will then cause more hassle for you in terms of your work load (in addition to obviously being sad etc). Would he be happy with you risking your health in such a selfish way knowing that he'd be lumbered with eveything- eg if you said you wanted a boob job but you'd be on bed rest for three weeks after and he'd have to do everything with the kids how would he feel knowing that you'd chosen to put yourself in that state?

Ps I do think you should acknowledge that he has planned the next big night out far in advance with you - thank him for doing this rather than just disappearing and say that you're glad he's thinking ahead and isn't just going to spring an all nighter on you again after he's acknowledged what he did last time was unacceptable

Gosh I can’t believe some women feel it’s unnecessary to have a social life whilst you have young kids - even if it involves a big night out

I agree with Unexpectedly in that it might help to separate out the different things.

Mainly, I think you need to carve out some time when you walk out the front door and leave him to look after the dc. I think this is important in ANY family with small dc, but is even more so when one of you is a SAHP.
Whether that is one evening a week or a Full day once a month - whatever suits you, but you need to spend a couple of hours on a regular basis where you are just RumItOver and not anyone's 'Mum'. Also, so he gets to feel - if only for a tiny % of the week - how hard it can be with 2, or 3 tiny dc relying on you all the time.

Separately, he needs to grow up and learn that you can go out with friends and get in before 5am. That you can go out with friends, and be perfectly capable of functioning the next day. I'm 100% for parents of young dc being able to go out on a regular basis, let alone occasionally, but 'going out' doesn't have to mean becoming incapacitated.