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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I think my DH needs therapy

6 replies

okthenwhat · 28/09/2023 16:53

I could type everything out, but fundamentally my DH has emotional and behavoural problems that stem from his relationship with his mother that I think could be aleviated with therapy. His job offers confidential therapy so it is available.

I know I can order or persuade him to get therapy and an ultimatum (therapy or I leave you) won't help either but there has to be something I can do to nudge him along.

OP posts:
Californiabound · 28/09/2023 16:57

Tbh I think you would only get anything out of therapy if you were both willing to be open and motivated to change. Could be wrong, but forcing a reluctant person into it seems counterproductive.

BettyPhuckzer · 28/09/2023 17:03

I think that's right. If he's forced into it, it won't work well (imo)

Moistbushes · 28/09/2023 17:08

I could see for years my husband needed therapy circumstances eventually almost forced him to.

He’s had a years therapy now and whilst I can see it’s helped him a bit it hasn’t fundamentally helped with his deep seated issues, both my DD and I can see that. But it’s not our place to dictate what he discusses in his therapy session and I honestly don’t think he’ll ever be able to face discussing these long term traumas and the impact they’ve had on his entire life.

Whilst you might see that your DH might benefit from therapy you can’t dictate what he discusses in his sessions and so the issues you see might never be dealt with.

I’m the same in that I know some of the issues that negatively impact my adult life stem from my childhood but I have never been able to discuss them in therapy sessions in fact I’ve done everything possible not to as it’s too uncomfortable for me.

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 28/09/2023 17:29

Are you asking this because he's being abusive/behaving unpleasantly towards you?

Specso · 28/09/2023 17:33

You can suggest someone might benefit from therapy but persisting at trying to nudge or push them into it isn’t a good idea.

You can’t make anyone do anything, they have to want to or decide themselves that it’s in their own best interest. If you’re not happy with him as he is then you need to reevaluate the relationship. If you are happy with him but just think it would be good for him then you need to step back from trying to tell him what’s good for him. Only he should decide that. Being pushy about what’s best for someone else can be really annoying and may push him away.

CheekyHobson · 28/09/2023 19:46

Similar to @Moistbushes, I could see my ex needed therapy for issues stemming from a bad childhood for a long time before he finally went at my request. He's been going for years (I think he still goes) and he's a little better than he was, but I think he's too invested in the image he has of himself to be properly honest with the therapist and confront himself. I know he hid a major issue from his therapist for months while we were still together and the only reason he started talking to her about it was that I discovered a whole lot of evidence of his behaviour and he was forced to confront it. He has other issues that I am sure he will never admit to/bring up with his therapist as he is stuck in denial/blame mode.

If someone is not there for the right reasons (ie is really just going to "prove" to themselves that they're a victim and misunderstood/under-appreciated and everyone else causes their problems) then they won't get much out of it. Maybe some surface-level tools. Worse, if they are very dishonest with themselves, they will twist and weaponise things their therapist says to use against their partner/other people.

During our breakup my ex claimed his therapist said I was controlling. I know I am not, and I also know a therapist wouldn't be likely to make such a definitive statement about someone they're not treating. I - sincerely - said I didn't think I had control issues but if his therapist was that sure about it, then perhaps I should make my own solo appointment with her so I could understand things through the eyes of a third party. I asked him what exactly she had said, so I could discuss it and all of a sudden "She says you're controlling" became "Well, she said it sounded as though you might tend towards over-control".

My ex would often accuse me of being controlling, but could generally not give examples of how I was doing it. Sometimes he would twist/exaggerate/make up something I'd said or done and claim it was controlling and refuse to accept anything to the contrary. (Of course, in one-to-one therapy, the therapist will only hear the twisted/exaggerated/made-up version.) I could tell from what his therapist really said that she was trying to validate his perspective of 'feeling controlled' without taking what he was telling her as gospel. But he twisted her actual words to serve his own narrative, just like he used to do to mine.

That's the trouble with people who have deep-seated issues - they deploy the same toxic strategies (lying, misrepresenting, blaming, stonewalling, self-aggrandising etc) on their therapist as they use on everyone else and it makes genuine progress very difficult.

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