background: I met my partner 4 years ago and we spoke as friends for a year of that. We got closer and I made it clear I was interested in more knowing he’d never initiate. Looking back I now feel like I essentially begged him to be with me as he wouldn’t have shown interest romantically if I hadn’t and this is likely why the following issues now exist.
Fast forwarding, we had ups and downs and I felt like we weren’t progressing or having a healthy relationship at times. I’d communicate what was on my mind and discuss what we needed to do and in his defence he done everything suggested, he made effort where it was needed and we were eventually on track.
We spoke about what a future would look like and he told me he wanted to propose and had picked out the ring already. We spoke about having children and living together as they were really important to us, especially him due to his upbringing.
Fast forward again, we now have a baby, very wanted and planned. We’re mostly happy but I always have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach he isn’t with me for love but for convenience and now for the baby.
Im not depressed or paranoid, there are things that genuinely make me feel like he doesn’t love me and does it to keep up appearances and not have the shame of a failed relationship sharing child custody. I have told him how I felt and that he doesn’t act like a man in love, he assures me he does but nothing visibly changes. I have spoken to my best friend who stays on the fence and she thinks it’s a lack of confidence on his part.
Without badmouthing him as he is a good man, some of the things that trigger these thoughts:
He won’t have sex with me, it dwindled around the time of conceiving our baby and we haven’t had sex since. Id always have to initiate prior to that, he’s a take it or leave it man but when we were friends he was sex mad. It makes me feel like he doesn’t find me attractive. He claims he has no sex drive but I know he masturbates.
We don’t spend time together anymore. Prior to my pregnancy we’d have dates and regular hotel weekends. Even when baby is asleep he does his own thing and acts like I don’t exist. We barely say much to each other because I only see him for a few hours in the evening after work and then he goes to bed early. When we did have an unexpected afternoon to spend together alone he used this time to mow the lawn. He goes to bed early because his job tires him out so we don’t have evenings together. Weekends are often taken up visiting family.
He never brought up the subject of a proposal or a marriage again. I get the impression he doesn’t want to marry me. The opportunity came and went twice. I’m too embarrassed to talk about it now because I chose to have a baby with him before the security of marriage so it’s too late to comment in that aspect.
Kisses and hugs are far and few between and feel awkward on my part. Like I just don’t want him to touch me anymore. All the issues combined make me feel gross and lonely so any affection feels forced and cruel because it brings to the surface how my own partner basically avoids me.
He’s a great dad, but as a supportive partner in parenting I feel like a single mum. Not just because he works all day but we don’t feel like the team he promised to be. He’ll take the baby for time together and I feel like I need to disappear because I’m in his way. He doesn’t do night feeds or help me around the house. My own fault because he never has and I never asked him to, but he promised me a lot that he would and wouldn’t do yet it’s the opposite. I don’t know if it’s on purpose and he’s making a mug out of me or he’s just clueless.
Im financially independent and I don’t need him as such, I had visions of us being a happy family but since my pregnancy that image has slowly faded. I love him and want us to be happy but I can’t force him to love me if he doesn’t.
The last time I told him his actions make me feel unwanted he broke down and cried apologising he’d made me feel that way when it wasn’t true. I believed him and thought we’d get back on track. After a week he stopped making effort again and it slipped back. He brings me flowers when he knows I’m fed up because he thinks that’ll sweeten me up and that I won’t leave him. (My opinion not something he has said).
I know it now sounds like a horrible relationship, maybe it is, on the surface we’re fine and I love his company and personality, but I know I always wanted more for myself. I wanted romance and passion which I’ll never get from him. Yet I can’t imagine not being with him.
I know I’ll get plenty of replies telling me to leave him because he’s checked out. That’s how it feels and I don’t know what more I can say to make it different, but the thought of ending it for those reasons doesn’t feel right to me. He made a lot of huge sacrifices to be witH me which used to be enough to believe him, now we’re like room mates. I feel really embarrassed that it’s got to this point.
He’s not cheating fwiw, he runs a family business and is surrounded by siblings, aunts, parents etc all day until he’s home. He doesn’t socialise or go anywhere.
I just don’t know what else to try to make my point clear before calling it a day. If I have one final big chat about this I struggle with wording and I often break down and can’t get the words out, writing it down feels dramatic. I can’t change him but I don’t want to give up. If he doesn’t want me anymore I want him to admit it and not let me take the fall.
Can anyone help?