How did your parents relationships affect yours?

[Irvingcelt]

As in romantic relationships.

Recently married so reflecting.

I will go first.

My parents are still together but IMO it is an unhealthy relationship. My Mum has some toxic traits and rather than challenge it or talk about things my Dad withdraws. My mum then needles at my dad, Dad withdraws more etc. I am not criticising them, no one is perfect, I just feel a bit sad for them individually.

When I was a teen I had no standards in relationships. If I liked a guy, I would chase them even if they had given me little and blatantly were not that into me. I did not once question WHY I would even want someone who was not interested in me or didn't treat me well?! At the time I thought one of my friends was a real hard arse but she just had healthy boundaries and standards.

It baffled me when young lads treated their girlfriends really thoughtfully as I think I just thought my experiences were normal for young lads.

At 21 after a terrible relationship I vowed NO more and vowed to only date men who were interested in me (groundbreaking I know...). I can't lie, it was a self help book that made me question my behaviour!

I realise now I am older I didn't have a model of a healthy relationship growing up and this likely is one of the causes I didn't question my quite frankly batshit behaviour!

My husband is very loving and always makes time for me and considers me which was a very deliberate choice. I am glad I changed my ways when I was young.

Please share your stories.

I have an awful memory of when my parents temp split when I was three that will stay with me forever. Growing up I could never understand why they were together, I really wished they weren't at the time. It was awful. It cast a shadow over all my relationships. I probably stayed longer in relationships that were never going to work, because that's what I'd learnt. Every relationship I've ever had have been complete opposites of the one before, it's like I'm continually trying to find the 'perfect' match. I now don't believe it's possible and I'm happy being single, for now.

WTF?

My parents are still together now. They were both abusive to each other. Mum would sulk and give silent treatment if she didn't get her own way. Dad would mock mum until she cried and try get me and Dsis to join in. Dad put his social life before family. I often witnessed and heard them screaming and shouting at each other. Also witnessed so physical stuff between them too. To the outside world we were a perfect family, I was always told not to tell anyone our business.
Growing up I've always had bad relationships. None of then respected me, I always sought validation and put myself in dangerous positions at times. My relationship have either been they cheated or they have been outright abusive. My worst relationship was with my DS father which I'm now tied to until he's am adult. He still makes my life he'll 7 years after splitting. I've had counselling for 7 years and know you mirror relationships you see growing up. It's hard to break the cycle though

Night and day.
I learned from their mistakes and adamantly, laser focussed and with absolute clarity went about choosing my relationships with single minded determination.

If anyone in the slightest did not meet my very strict criteria, they were gone.
I was brutal.
I didn’t give them a second thought nor did I give them the chance to waste my time so they were gone within a very short time.

I had very few relationships.
My now husband was tested over and over. Just the fact that he is a very decent, kind and reliable kind of fella got him any where with me.

our relationship is absolutely nothing like my parents shit show. Thank Christ.

it might be worth reflecting on how you describe your parents’ relationship. It seems quite uneven.

It’s unhealthy - but you seem to blame your mother entirely for it. She has some ‘toxic traits’ (so she’s inherently a bad person to some degree) and because she’s like that your dad withdraws. Then he withdraws further because the woman he’s ignoring ‘needles’ him.

You could have characterised your dad’s withdrawal and ignoring as ‘toxic traits’ too. In fact, it might be worth considering the extent to which you feel he withdrew from you and left your mum as the one doing all the parenting (and certainly the bits that involve being the ‘bad guy’).

It kind of translates into your discussion of your previous relationships. Your behaviour was ‘batshit’ and the problem was you and your choices. You needed to change. The boys are almost absolved of any responsibility - and you don’t make any link to having a father who emotionally withdraws.

Just an observation.

My father was abusive to my mother, that was an absolute no from me.

I didn’t jump into any relationship quickly. I made them wait.

My sister sought out men similar to our father. She’s now divorced after 25 years of misery.

I taught my children self worth and self confidence, which kept them away from the bad guys!m so far.

I’ve spent most of my adult life single (have 3 kids) and I am sure my parents terrible relationship has an impact somewhere

I think it was my parent’s relationship with me that affected me most, though I didn’t realise this till well into my 40s. It set me up for accepting poor relationships and being unable to see red flags. I am sure my parents not having a great relationship did not help, though they never argued and I think did deep down care for each other.

My parents' relationship was unhealthy and stressful for both of them. It was good that they split up, but because my mum has had such terrible experiences of relationships, not only that one but basically every other relationship she had bar one, I think I really took this on board and expected very little from men. I actually remember when I was pregnant with DS1, thinking "if this doesn't work out I'll do it on my own, it will be fine, it doesn't matter". Unfortunately I think it did matter very much, but it was a bit too late by the time I realised that! Ultimately though I was fine on my own and I was happy to have had that positive role model.

My dad's second marriage was more healthy and I learned that you should not stay with someone who is making you unhappy, because behaving one way in a relationship with one person doesn't mean that is the way that all relationships will play out for you. He is now divorced from my stepmum but that happened after I got married myself, so hasn't particularly influenced me. If anything I can see my stepmum's side better than his, but I have since learned that he had quite a damaging childhood and I suspect this might have been the issue really.

Parents relationship was great, has helped me not settle for anything less.

Definitely agree it has an effect

I am drawn to men who are as terrible as my dad. And i have a never ending tolerance for mistreatment like my mum. 💔

Absolutely this!!!!
I was thinking same when i read OP post. Hang on, the dad retreated? Did he stonewall mum so she had no other choice but to 'needle' him... certainly did he leave it all up to your mum to do the parenting, your mum may have had toxic traits, but we need to look at why that is when theres a man not involved. Lets not blame the woman here.

Stonewalling is abuse

Agree.

I was phenomenally choosy when it came to boyfriends, and would dump or bail within a couple of dates if they did not feel 'right'. This did mean that I was single until I was 30, and my first long-term relationship was with the man I eventually married, but, nearly 30y on, we're still together and still solid.

It was only after several years that I realised I had married a man who was, superficially, very like my dad: solid, dependable, devoted, quiet. Superficially, because, whereas my dad is quiet because he is self-confident almost to the point of arrogance, dh is quiet because he has strong autistic traits.

My parents relationship was amazing, rarely argued and if they did it was over silly things and very mild, a few cross words and it was over.
I had a lovely childhood, wonderful family.

I wouldn’t have settled for less than a kind, respectful, supportive, loving boyfriend or husband. I always had pretty good boyfriends, I was picky, I wasn’t actually that bothered about being in a relationship.

Settled, 36 married at 38 and with child 39. We argue very rarely, again silly things and never nasty, can’t even remember the last one.

When I read on here about what people put up with, being called names, being hit, lied to and cheated on I just think get out. Life is too short for that drama- on either side. I’ve a few friends that have put up with crap for years and it mostly always ends in an eventual split. After the initial heartbreak, they always say WHY did I wait so long. I’ve wasted x number of years on him/her.

My parents marriage on the surface seemed good, but actually I suspect they had many issues long before they split. They were childhood sweethearts and made out like it was a perfect romance, but they had this 'joke' that my mum would never apologise for anything. It seemed to be a huge theme and a huge laugh. Hmm. As an adult I see that seems really fucked up and I suspect my mother is just an outright narcissist. My dad was uneducated and worked lots of awful shifts in various shitty factories. My mum had a slightly more corporate, office type job and was very controlling. I suspect being the breadwinner in the early 80s (when all her friends were housewives so she could boast about her 'status') suited her narc tendencies. She was devastated to leave her job after having me, because back then maternity leave wasn't really a thing, and never let me forget it. It was like me and my dad 'owed' her and that dynamic has stayed with me. Years later after they'd separated and my dad passed away, my mum has totally rewritten the narrative to suit herself. I definitely think this has affected my relationships with men as I've not had a healthy example of a relationship to emulate.

Parents still together in their late 70s. Very stable relationship, although getting a bit tricky due to one parent having signs of the beginnings of dementia. No adverse effects on my relationships, I don't think. I was always picky and not keen to have a boyfriend just for the sake of being in a relationship. No problematic relationships. Been happily married for 20 years.

My parents have had a wild ride together and stuck it out through thick and thin so I suppose I admire them, and aspire to be as strong and steadfast in my own relationship. They're still soppy and silly for each other after I don't actually know how many years, so I hope I can have that energy with my own husband.

However, they were both very shouty and passionate and loud, which works well for them but I have made a conscious effort not to be because I hated growing up in such a loud home.

They had seven kids, I have had one. Similar reasoning to above!

Overall they taught me to seek respect, equality, kindness, fun, openness, passion and loyalty, and to settle for absolutely nothing less. I'm grateful to them.

It's so interesting to see the other side of people who grew up with parents who had healthy relationships and then went onto have them themselves. It seems you had much more self worth and felt you didn't need to be in a relationship and waited. Where as I know I have low self esteem and felt I needed validation from relationships.

I certainly struggle - and always have - with self esteem and the need for external validation. I'm not sure why I never sought it in relationships. Perhaps my anxiety over self-esteem meant that I rejected anyone who gave me a twitch of anxiety.

I didn’t see any love or affection at all between mine, just silences and arguments.

needless to say, I have found showing my feelings and expressing my needs and wants very difficult indeed. I have also become a people pleaser to avoid arguments and silent treatments.

when I look back at their relationship (They are both dead now) I wonder what the fuck they were thinking staying together, even after I and my sibling had left home. They both died miserable, unfulfilled and unhappy.

My parents argued a lot when I was growing up. My dad leaned on my a lot, often talking about how hard it was for him. I remember begging them to separate because I hated it so much. They’re still together.

I’m divorced. ExH was emotionally abusive and I think I stayed way too long because that’s what I learnt growing up - you stay.

I hope by leaving that I have taught my daughters not to, but I worry so much about the impact it will have on them. I did my best with what I knew, but I still feel I’ve let them down.