DH and DD issue

[Lulabella1]

Ok so I will try and not waffle on too much. Married to DH for 16 years, together 24, three kids,15, 13 and 11.

There is a big divide in our family. Its DD15 and DH who stick together and me and the two other children. This is getting increasingly worse the older my DD15 gets. It's five days now since DH has spoken to me because I asked DD was she jealous of the cat. Apparently I was picking on her for no reason. DH said I owe both of them an apology.

I admit that I don't have an easy relationship with DD, difficult pregnany, horrific birth and I returned to work when she was five months old as the recession hit, DH lost his job and we had a mortgage. DH stayed at home for a year with DD so they have a closer bond.

DD is very sensitive and is just constantly looking for money, clothes takeaways etc. She doesnt lift a finger in the house,room is a pigsty and will barely make herself anything to eat. I think she is lazy, selfish and spoiled.

DH just panders to her all the time and it's causing major issues. She says I hate her, I obviously don't. I have admitted that I never built that bond with her which I feel awful about. She wants to do things together just us but for me I think it's just another excuse for me to buy her things. As long as she is getting her way everything is fine but as soon as I say something she doesnt like all hell breaks loose and my DH takes her side. To be honest it's got to the stage where I don't want to be around either of them.

She has ruined the last two weekends and now heading for a third weekend of DH not speaking to me. I'm actually starting to think that DH doesnt want me and DD to have a good relationship.

Advise please.

You admit that you don't have the best bond. That didn't have to be the case. It isn't her fault you had a difficult birth ofcourse. And going back to work early doesn't have to affect your bond. It's a shame for both of you that it's like that, but it isn't too late.

But it reads as though you don't basically like her. Even when she suggests doing something, just you two, you assume she wants you to buy things for her. It is perfectly normal, and lovely, for mums and teenage daughters to do things together, and a part of that 'bonding' that is missing.

I'm wondering if you've always treated her as 'less than' her siblings, and your DH is responding to that by jumping to defend her. Then you blame her for him defenfing her, and the spiral continues.

There's three sides to this story, and the truth will be somewhere in the middle. Yes she might not be perfect (who is?); yes your DH might defend her poor behaviour (and if he's ignoring you, that's really poor behavour on his part); but maybe you're also less than perfect in this scenario.

And given your DD is a child, it's up to you to rise about it and do all you can to repair your relationship.

Thank you, I appreciate your response. I know our lack of bond is totally on me and yes it does sound like I don't like her which is awful. I have been more strict with her and she obviously knows this.

I really do need to be the adult and repair it. I want a good relationship with my DD.

I am a very stubborn person too and I don't know how to let my walls down now with DD as they have been up so long.

How do I start to repair things? How do I start?

She feels like a stranger to me and I don't feel comfortable around her.

The first step is to stop blaming your CHILD for "ruining weekends" and your husband's reactions and behaviour. His sulking is not her fault.

How awful!

Well you've said you think she is selfish and spoiled, you've told her you didn't bond with her, you don't want to spend time with her and you aren't comfortable with her. Frankly I'm amazed you have any relationship at all. I'm not surprised your DH defends her, she needs one parent in her corner!
You need to try and make amends for this. Who cares if you are spending money on her?!? Take her out! Show her you actually care!

Yes totally, fair point.

I truly feel awful that I have let it go this far. I should have been a better mother. My own mother treated me terribly so I should have known better. I'm disgusted with myself.

It honestly sounds like you don't like her OP

Do you actually care for her and love her? I'm not judging, just asking.
It isn't irreparable. To be honest I think you actually owe her some acknowledgement and an apology, then start finding common ground.

Your relationship with your DH should be separate to your relationship with DH, his sulking and ignoring you is down to him. Let him sulk while you try to establish a bond with DD.
Suggest taking her out this weekend, just you and her, if not this weekend then a night at the movies or whatever you know she likes doing.

I care about her and love her and as hard as it is to admit this I don't like her.

Faults on all sides here.

I think you need to remind yourself that she is a child not an adult however she may look now. She is still not totally in control of her emotions. When you say shes oversensitive are you saying that shes oversensitive for a 15 year old girl or for what youd expect from an adult? Most 15 year old girls are very moody and easily hurt. They are still learning how to regulate their emotions.

i very much sympathise with you because i had severe pnd with my first born son and our bond was effected. It doesnt come naturally to me for him and i feel massive amounts of guilt about it. But i know its my responsibility to reach out and try. As the adult it needs to be you and you need to keep at it eveb when it seems its not working.

it's so important especially at 15. When she says you hate her that's so sad. You know you don't hate her but she probably does pick up on slight coldness, on you being slightly harsher with her than other siblings. She needs reassurance. And it might not seem like it's working but when she's an adult trust me she will come to appreciate it that you made the effort with her. Go out with her. Even if she just sits there being moody even if it's just to buy her a takeaway.. tell her that you love her every time she says you don't even if it seems ridiculous and ott to you. You aren't spoiling her. You can't spoil a child with attention or emotional validation. You spoil a child by making up for lack of real warmth and attention by just buying them things.

As for your husband tho, I absolutely do not think he's helping. He should be trying to bring you together not acting like a child himself and taking sides. If he wants to defend her he needs to have a private discussion with you and not involve her as it will only drive you and her farther apart if she feels he's taken sides.

Im sure you know its developmentally normal for teens to be self- centred in their behaviour, want to be bought things etc and doesn't really reflect on how she fundamentally is as a person. I wouldn't beat yourself up about how bad things have gotten between you and DD, its good you want to repair it before it's too late- I would look into family therapy ASAP

Thank you, great advice.

I mean if you don't like her that's your own issue. Because this is a child we are talking about YOUR child whom you raised. This is not a fully formed adult person.. this is someone you are supposed to be helping grow into themselves. If you've already turned against then and written them off as not a likeable person that's just not really a good look. You are an adult. She's hurting and she doesn't have the life experience to express herself or deal with it properly. The effort will have to come from you.

I think if you can afford it some counselling would work well here; DH and I had counselling when we were always arguing with not so dissimilar issues. It got us on the same page and the things became better at home. It may then help to have family therapy.
also despite your feeling about it spend time with your DD; cinema, bowling, ice skating etc. a day trip, it doenst have to involve shopping

I can really see that this is tough on the dad too though, this almost reads as a step parent scenario, my OH would behave defensively towards me if I were treating my step children this way.

This is a lot though OP, at 15 years its really hard to see how you've gotten to this place. You say you love her but you dont like her... but is that true? Do you unconditionally love her? I dont have my own yet but I can say I love myy step children very much, but it isnt unconditionally. My feelings for them very much depend on how the relationship is at that point of time and the point im making is this is the vibe im getting from you.

Did you have PND with her? My step mum went back to work and left my brother home with my dad, that has had no impact on the relationship, it was just practicalities?

Oh, also, if you had cause to ask her if shes jealous of the cat, my guess would be she feels you treat the cat better than you treat her. I'd reflect on how you've got to a point of making her feel that low in the family pecking order, then mocking her for it. Thats really not on.

15 year olds can be very hard to like sometimes anyway which won't help.

Could you open up to her, when it's just you two around, and start with an apology that you've been hard on her, and you aren't as close as you'd like, and you'd like to put that right. Let her talk. Listen. Admit that you know you can be stubborn. Tell her you love her.

She will know you don't like her as much as her siblings, and that's really sad.

It isn't too late to do your utmost to build some bridges, to apologise and to make plans to start building your relationship.

Try to keep your feelings about your DH and how he treats her, out of it. Try to avoid half apologies (I'm sorry but it isn't all my fault). Listen for as long as she wants to speak.

Please don't repeat your own DM's mistakes. You have a lot of life ahead of you both, and lots to look forward to. Some family counselling with her might help, if she's up for it.

Hello OP, I was the middle child of 7! I was the only traumatic birth, the only C-Sec, the only one my mam had PND with, our bond was NOT good.

I knew from about 9 that she didn't like me. Our relationship became turbulent and strained, and I felt hurt and rejected and confused. It's absolutely horrible knowing your own mother likes all your siblings but not you, and having no idea why. I acted out a lot to get back at her. My room was a tip because I knew it pissed her off, I didn't help because I knew it upset her and I wanted to hurt her back.

It really is on you to fix this, she's a child still learning who she is and who she's going to be and she's got another ten years or so of growing to do. It's not her responsibility to repair this.

Honesty is actually important here, you need to talk to her, openly, frankly and painfully. That's what my mam did, and we eventually rebuilt our relationship, but it took her baring her soul and being completely open and vulnerable with me about her struggles, and then she sat and listened while I talked and ranted and cried about how much it'd hurt me. Then we picked up the pieces together. We're very close now, 17 years later, so it's not impossible to fix!

Your husband is at the root of the issue, imo. He’s an emotional abuser, not speaking to you is abusive. He’s making the situation so much worse. He needs to present a united front with you. Only then can you work on improving your relationship with your dd.

And she will know this.

Sounds like an extremely toxic family situation that you and your DH need to take responsibility for. I would suggest family counseling but wonder if it's gone too far for that.

Some counselling for you and DH could really help. You’ve got a (developmentally normal) selfish eldest teen, parenting differences to work through, complicated feelings around the past - this is all stuff a good counsellor could help you both unpick.