How to cope with hating yourself?

[hatemyself1234]

I want to preface this by saying I understand that I have deep issues and I need professional help to overcome this, so I don't really want comments on that. I just want to understand if other people feel a similar way to me and how they manage to cope.

I am relatively young, well educated, had a professional career before kids, generally am well liked, have friends, I'm in good shape and I believe I'm attractive. Nobody in my life has ever told me otherwise on these things and everybody I've met/been in relationships with have treated me/made me feel as though I was a 'good'/attractive/smart member of society.

But when I was a child my father would compare me to my friends/neighbours kids etc, belittle me for getting upset about anything, always tell me he was ashamed/embarrassed of me etc and I have lived with this feeling for all my life.

I've now been with my DP for around 5 years and have 2 kids together. Since my daughter was born 2 years ago I have had what I can only really describe as a kind of breakdown in terms of my self esteem. I am convinced that my DP is looking at every other woman around us and thinking to himself they are better than me, he wishes he was with them etc and looking at me in comparison thinking how ugly I am. It has got to the point where I am not leaving my home, not going to my daughter's toddler classes anymore and cutting off my friends. I cannot watch anything on tv with him as in the past he has made comments about women being beautiful and I feel he is looking at every woman on tv and comparing me unfavourably. I cannot go out in public at all with him as he genuinely does look at other women and, as I mentioned above, it makes me feel like he's comparing me. We have not had sex properly in maybe 1 year now because I resent him for thinking badly of me.

This issue was triggered by an infidelity on his part around the time my daughter was born and the genuine fact (not my imagination) that he does look at other women in the street/restaurants etc and not glances but really ogling them. Other than this, he is very nice to me and I know he cares for me.

I believe that my feelings are somewhat reasonable given what he did but I know that the way I have reacted and internalised it is not normal. I am trying to get help for my own deep rooted issues.

But do other women feel this way? That their DP/DH is looking at other women and comparing them unfavourably? Not to the extreme that I do but is this in any way normal? How do women deal with the fact we're told that men will look at and lust after others and we should accept this? How do you keep your self esteem intact if your partner thinks other women are attractive?

These questions are truly not to validate my extreme reaction to myself but to understand how other women feel and how I can begin to see it from a more 'normal' perspective. I also don't really care about fixing the relationship with him, I just want to learn to deal with my feelings about myself.

I don't think this is about you, @hatemyself1234. I think you could learn to love yourself if you didn't have a husband with a wandering eye.

There's nothing wrong with finding others attractive - I do, DH does. But - this is celebs, unattainable types, not the woman that walks her dog past the house every day. That's unacceptable. I can imagine if my husband was ogling said woman I would begin to hate myself particularly if she possessed a more desirable trait than myself.

Your problems would disappear if you left him

I had an ex with a wandering eye, it's disgusting & really does slowly damage your self esteem

They know what they are doing. It's hugely disrespectful

It’s fairly clear you married someone who makes you feel about yourself the way your father did. It’s notable that he’s so much older. You probably think this is just what men are like.

So important that you get away from him and important for your kids too.

There's nothing wrong with you except that you think there's something wrong with you.

None of this is because you "have issues." "You're insecure" is a BIG stick with which unfaithful men like to beat their wives. You feel insecure in your marriage because your husband is a cheater. That's not you being a crazy person, that is you recognizing his behavior. He humiliated you by cheating on you and told you it was your problem because you're "insecure."

Your problem isn't that you are insecure. The problem is that your husband isn't trustworthy.

Your husband is a vile lecherous man who ogles other women. And somehow you're taking this as reflection of you and your own appeal and worth.

Fuck's sake.

He's also had an affair.

His behaviour will wear you down and ruin you. He's a really low value being.

I think my childhood issues are almost a red herring in these surface issues as he is truly being disrespectful to me. But I think I need therapy to look at the reason why I ended up with such an older man who behaves this way. Why don't I value myself as the beautiful, smart, young woman others have told me I am? Why have I let his actions define the way I think of myself? Why have I let a man like him take my self esteem and years of my life? Why did I have 2 children with him? Much to think about!

Your childhood issues are not a red herring OP, they are the reason you are in the situation you are in IMO. You ended up with a much older man because you wanted to be good enough for your father - you're trying to play that scenario out with this man. To prove you're good enough.

You don't value yourself because your father didn't value you and so you learnt that you weren't valuable - no matter what you achieved. You have now transferred this onto your husband, his actions now define the way you think about yourself. He has just taken over from your dad as the person who takes your self esteem. This is your normal and this is what you know and are comfortable with.

I think it would have been wise to leave your DP when he cheated on you. He's not a good guy OP.

There's a lot to unpick in therapy because it sounds like you partnered up with your father. Maybe you are still hoping to win approval from a father figure. Unfortunately, its backfired because instead of boosting your ego he is as bad, if not worse, than your father was.
Some men oggle women (the not so nice untrustworthy ones), some don't ( nice respectful ones). No woman wants to or should, put up with the first kind.
So, it would be totally fair to ditch him and it is entirely possible to find a man who doest do that, because not all men do.